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Posted by: Worry Wart | 2005/06/28

Who can help cure my insecurities (Long, sorry)

Dear Cyber-Shrink or anyone who can give good advice. I don't know what to do anymore, I am 27 years old, and growing up had a terrible childhood because my dad was physically abusive to my mom and me. He often cheated on her and threatened to kill me or my sister if she tried to leave him. When I was 19 I moved out of the house, and when he passed away, I moved back home. I met a guy at a nightclub, and "fell in love with him". Never having had real love from my dad, I held onto the "love" that this guy offered me and married him a yr later. The marriage was a disaster and he lied to me constantly, about work, about everything, and after a brief internet affair I knew nothing about at the time, he walked out on me. I was broken. I moved back home and for almost 2 years didn't even look at anything vaguely male because of the way my 3 year marriage ended. In the meantime, my mom started dating a man and after 2years or so, he started cheating on her... talk about bad luck. Anyway, exactly one year ago, I met a guy through a friend of mine who totally and utterly swept me off my feet. He's the most caring, loving, considerate, gentle human being I've ever known. I have fallen so deeply in love with him. I never knew love like this existed. However, the problem I have is that to this day, exactly one year and one day after we met, I still battle to trust him. I'm constantly terrified that he's going to leave me. It's so bad, that I can't sleep at night, worrying that I'm going to lose him or that he's going to die or that he's going to have a thing with a woman at work. He's NEVER done anything to warrant any of this insecurity. He's always been honest with me and lately he's been talking a lot about us moving in together. He's been married before and his ex wife also cheated on him, and he told me that he knows what it's like to be hurt that way, and that he loves me and will never do that to me. When we first met, one of the first things I told him was that I never wanted to get married again, and he seemed pretty relieved because he felt the same way, but lately, I'm more insecure than ever because I feel that we'll never be married and what's going to stop him from just ending our relationship one day and moving on to greener pastures?? I am so insecure and I've become so selfish. I need him all the time. He's become like a drug, I mean if he has to work a bit late or when he's got studying to do and I dont' get to see him, I feel like part of me has died. I miss him so much when we're at work. I'm almost certain that this is not healthy for our relationship and I'm terrified that my insecure behaviour is going to end up chasing him away. I don't want to do anything or see anyone, if he's not with me. He is the absolute centre of my universe. Please help. What must I do when all the close relationships around me and even ones that I've had, have ended up in deceit and hurt?? How can I ever learn to trust?? I'm desperate for any suggestions.

Thank you for taking the time to read this,
WW

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear WW,
It is very undertandable, in the situation in which you grew up, that you grew very reluctant to trust people. And you fled from a miserable home into an unwise marriage with a guy who cheated you, as a way of hoping to escape from the earlier miseries. You don't need to repeat the mistakes of the past, and this present relationship sounds excellent and surely no mistake. But you are allowing yourself to become too desperate, and too dependent on this guy, in a way that is presently limiting your chances of happiness. Counselling would be the best answer --- check out, for instance, what might be available through the Psychology Deprt of your nearest Medical school or major State / Provincial hpospital.
Don't Worry's comments are worth reading carefully. You are capable of finding lasting happiness in your relationships, once you learn to be appropriately suspicious of life, but no more than that ; to know that you can assert yourself and survive whatever happens, and to be loved, because you deserve to be loved.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Don't worry, be happy... | 2005/06/28

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possesion
and company doesn't mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child
And you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid flight
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much, so plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you learn
and you learn . . .

Reply to Don't worry, be happy...

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