Our expert says:
If you are hungry and your partner is also hungry, there will be little disagreement over what to eat and how often to eat it. Both having a desire for satisfaction allows comfortable cooperation in the planning, the preparation and the consuming of the meal. Just as two hungry people are both eager to eat, when both partners have similar sexual appetites they are both likely to be eager to make love.
When one partner is hungry but the other is not, the hungry one’s invitation to eat may not be enthusiastically accepted. Talking of pizza may fall on deaf ears and presenting a cookbook may not promote a keen interest in eating, or even reading about food. In fact, trying to force food will likely backfire, stirring resentment and avoidance, rather than awakening a desire to eat. Pressure or coercion has never stirred appetite. In similar fashion, pressure fosters sexual avoidance, not sexual passion.
With biological hunger for food, we may invite our partner to eat with us and, if he or she is not interested, we might say, “If you are not hungry, I’ll just eat alone and satisfy myself.” This is reasonable. The one making the statement usually feels OK saying it and the listener is usually OK hearing it. However, when it comes to the biological hunger for sex, we may not feel so good about saying, “If you are not feeling like making love, I’ll just play alone and satisfy myself!” Furthermore, many partners would be appalled that their ravenous mate would even think of such a thing. If you are hungry, it is OK for you to eat alone, but if you feel sexy, it may not be OK for you to orgasm alone!
The difference between our thinking of satisfying an appetite for food and satisfying an appetite for sex is most dramatic when it comes to satisfying the hunger with someone else. We might say to our partner, “Since you are not hungry, I’ll go have a meal with a friend.” That’s usually OK with everyone involved. However, if we say, “Since you are not feeling like sex, I’ll just go and climax with my friend!” the reaction will be quite different.
We need to understand sexual desire not just as a biological hunger, but as an appetite with some very interesting psychosocial limitations and interpersonal implications!!.
A very famous Chicago Psychiatrist and the Director of the Loyola Sexual Dysfunction clinic, Prof Domeena Renshaw taught me about the “Four T’s”.
Touch: The important of touching each other
Time: We need time to make love
Talk: We have to communicate and be able to express our needs to each other
Trust: Possibly the most important component in any relationship.
Try Prof Renshaw’s winning recipe for a while and see if you can cook up a storm in the bedroom.
Dr Elna McIntosh
PS. Congratulations, I don't often see couples theses days that have been married for 27 years. Unfortunately there are no pills for her tea or coffee, but you can write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will forward you info on our "7 weeks to better sex program"
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