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Question
Posted by: Chantell | 2005/07/21

Where to start !!!

Hi All
A while ago I posted a question rergarding my husband where I said I do not understand him anymore. to cut the whole story short, he's been so quiet latetly not communicating with me concerning our marriage and everything, he's been so cold for the past 3 months no intimace in the bedroom, but the only time he will talk to me is when money is concern, I try to talk him to see a marriage counseller he was not interested, Monday he was leaving to go and work out of the town he did not even inform me that he was going. I confronted him to find out what is theproblem which he did not give a good reason why is he acting like this. I sms him telling him that when he comes back home the day is coming back he is not going to find me and the kids at home I'm going to look for the place to stay for me and the kids ,because I could see that he does not love me anymore, suprisingly he came back last night. Today he phoned to say I must write down points I need to talk to him about and he would do same.

My question is where do I start because the problem in my house is been caring on now for the past 3years where to start now,my biggest problem is his aunty we are staying with at home and I cannot tell him anything about her. how are we going to solve other problems if we cannot the aunty's problem first.

Do you think I should sit down with him and try solve other problems or move out so that he can decide whether he needs me in his life or not.

Any suggestion will be appreciated

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Our expert says:
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Good somments from soleselect and SR. WOuld auntie be interested in joining you to press him towards marriage counselling ? Would he really prefer to pay all the costs of a divorce and maintenance, to joining you in marriage counselling ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: SR | 2005/07/21

Chantelle = I normally find that doing a role play in the 3rd person works wonders i.e. you play someone (Not you) who is married to your husband and he plays someone (Not him) who is married to you.

In this way you can exchange stories about both of you without getting pissed off at one another and really pack it out. Works great on email and the phone and face to face.

Try it

Reply to SR
Posted by: soleselect | 2005/07/21

Hey Chantell
Try focusing on the most immediate problems you notice.
Imagine your life as a clover shape, with each leaf being a different sphere of your life.
How does your husband affect each sphere and why?

As you work out these spheres and how your husband affects them, also take into account his Aunty and how she affects your life. If you are going to have an honest relationship with him, you may as well lay all the problems on the table but, be careful as to how you do it...

To bombard him with problems is not a very good solution, people feel threatened in that sort of a situation and his defenses will come up and interefer with your disscussion... rather, put them across , letting him have a moment to absorb and understand... also, try not to get too emotionally involved... it will only lead to you possibly becoming unclear and incoherent and then not solving but magnifying the problem.

He may have some important issues to discuss with you so, be prepared to listen and not get emotions in the way... yes it may hurt but, if you're trying to resolve an issue the best way to do it is to look at it from the outside- that's why best friends are often great to talk to in such situations... a clear head will definately help.

Try the clover method.

Reply to soleselect

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