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Question
Posted by: HM | 2005/12/12

When will I have my OWN life?

(my apologies in advance the long message)

This is the one time of the year that I love with all my heart and yet it causes me such guilt and frustration.
I am a happily married women and desperately want to live my life and have my own family but, I have this issue with my mother. I cannot say that she is controlling, I cannot say she tells me what to do or how to rule my life but, she has this amazingly annoying way of making me feel GUILTY. To the point were I want to tear my hair out and run away. Guilt has to be the one most evil feeling in this world. Yes, perhaps I am to blame, I am a terrible daughter but I do not know how to change. I have never had a personal/intimate relationship with her and our communication is to say the least pathetic, "so how is the weather lately". Understand that that is not me I love "intimacy" with people and at the age of almost 30 I am finally finding confidence in myself to go out there have close friendships and relationships. I have an amazing marriage and we are so happy and open. My parents never had that and do not have it now which makes me feel so guilty becasue they are lonely even thought they are together. And now it is Christmas and this whole cycle of guilt gets extremely worse. My mother is terribly jealous that I get on well with my inlaws. My husbands family is nothing like my own and I feel bad but I crave their company just to be a part of the harmony (don't get me wrong, its no white picket fence family but there is this sense of FAMILY which I just love) I do not feel that way with my parents. Growing up there has always been conflicts and fights between families and now nobody talks, I have not seen relatives in years. Christmas with my parents is, christmas with my parents, it feels so lonely and I feel guilty that I do not want to be there but I have to go or my mother will surely take her car over a bridge. I want to have my own family one day but I am dreading this time of the year when children arrive, I can just imagine the awkwardness of trying to share the season between our families and all I want is to have MY OWN FAMILY. My mother loves babies and children it is when they become teenagers that the communication ends, and I do not want my children to be apart of this cycle. Can you just imagine what it is going to be like?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Making someone feel guilty, is a particularly skillful way of being controlling. You are not responsible for your mothers, or your parents, happiness. If you enjoy your husbands more comfortable family --- what's there to feel guilty about ? Ever considered counselling to sort out some of these issues ?

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