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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2003/03/19

When the end is in sight ...

I posted a message on 12 March entitled "Unhappy marriage with baby on the way". I was very impressed with the responses and I thank everyone who offered advice. Today I face another dilemna around the same situation.
My husband told me this morning that for a year now, he's been having an online relationship with another woman who he has come to care for. He has no intention of ending it although he does not expect it to go any further.
I found myself hurt and enraged and decided that I do not need this in my life. I feel I have spent too many years forgiving and hoping. My baby needs me now and that is where I wanto to focus my attention. As painful as it was, I have asked for divorce. I still love him intensely but I also hate him for what he has made of my life. I believe I need to get out of this situation before my baby comes and is also subject to the lack of commitment from this man. There's still a possibility that the baby could change him but I don't know if I should take that chance. He says he can't or won't leave me but I have asked him to leave my house and I'm sure he will eventually give in. I think he believes I will calm down and change my mind - I always did in the past. But I want this time to be different, I want it to be the last.
Am I being selfish or am I doing the right thing here? How long should I hold on before I give up? How much pain should I endure before I end it and move on? How will this affect me and my baby?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Anon,
You are not being selfish simply for insisting that you be treated with respect and consideration. What did he expect when he told you about his online love he refuses to end --- a medal ? There's no particular merit in sufering avoidable pain. DOn't you have other sources of support, with whom you can discuss this day-by-day, such as family and close friends ? And why should it be you who changes your mind ? How about him, for a change, changing his mind about his infidelities and lack of committment ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Zeena | 2003/03/20

If he can be unfaithful online (I take it to mean he hasn't actually met this woman) he can be unfaithful in reality. The baby won't change that. In fact, a baby creates -- to start off with -- more tensions than you can now imagine. A baby means less time for him, a tired wife, a wife with upset hormones who simply does not feel like having sex ... A baby is gorgeous, but also means sleepless nights and dirty nappies and a generally disturbed household.

Maybe this is the time to unplug his PC, load it into his car with his clothes and belongings, and give him the keys to drive away.
Maybe he'll grow up and come round and get to his senses. Just don't bargain on it.

Reply to Zeena
Posted by: Data | 2003/03/19

Hey Anon. Your not selfish or any other.
I am young, And I have a baby of a year and 8 months. I was gonna get married to the
father of my child. So, I felt things wasn't rite between us, and told him to wait after the baby.
I was 4 months pregnant, then he went of makeing my best friend pregnant.
I know we are not in the same situation, but still I just want say that you can do without him.
If I can make it, you can make it to. You can bring your baby up letting him/her know there father.
But it is you and the babies life. Ask yourself, is this situation with your husband - Do you want your unborn child to see all this happening, you fighting and bitching over the other woman. You are always gonna be unhappy. And if you are unhappy so will your unborn child be.
I learned this the hard way. Untill a stranger came my way, and told me only these words: " IF YOU ARN'T HAPPY GIRL, WHY DO YOU EXPECT THAT YOUR BABY MUST BE? "
He turned and walked away.

Reply to Data

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