Posted by: TRAPPED | 2008/06/19

When is it time to leave a marriage

Cybershrink coined a phrase in post 1614, that marriage is thicker than blood and water. I wish my husband believed that. My husband doesnt seem to believe that marriage is thicker than blood and water and I say this not just because he puts everyone and everthing except me first in his life, but he also doesnt care that Im not happy in our marriage, despite the fact that Ive told and showed him many times. Marriage counselling is not an option as he refuses to go, he doesnt communicate when he has issues or doesnt respond to me when I try to to communicate when I have issues, he gets cross for petty issues, and every other day he gives me the silent treatment because he is cross, nothing ever gets resolved because he refuses to tell me when he is unhappy about something. Since we've been married, he has never greeted me in the morning and when he is cross with me, he doesnt greet me when he comes from work, he kisses me hello one day and the next day he doesnt. This may seem petty but for me tha grew up in a house where this was part of our lives, its something I cant get used to, and dont want my son to think that this is normal growing up. I feel like telling him to stop greeting me altogether so as to spare me the cold shoulder he gives me altogether when he is cross with me.

When I point out certain things to him that Im not happy with, he says I wear the pants in the relationship, he wants me to give my opinion when it suits him. I feel trapped in my marriage and I am asking myself the question everyday what am I going to do? Do I stay in the marriage and just go through the motions day in and day out, being unhappy? Because it doesnt look like anything's going to change. I feel like Im the only one working on my marriage. He is never affectionate or loving towards me, only when he wants to have sex, and Im so turned off by now by this, that I have lost complete interest in being intimate with him, but because I feel he still needs me that way as my husband, I make love to him at least once a week, just so he doesnt feel Im depriving him. Am I in some way giving him permission or signals to treat me the way that he is treating me? DO I also become "detached" and disinterested like him? When do I call it quits? Because Im 31 now, we'll be married for 3 years in August, and I dont see how I can carry on like this for another year, or until I turn 50 one day and then saying I had enough, I would have wasted 20 years of my life.

I have always felt that I rushed into this marriage because we didnt know each other well enough,he also thought we rushed it but he didnt have the guts to say it out loud, but I tried to make it work, and its just not working. I dont know what to do. We also have a 2year old boy that i need to consider, who I dont want growing up in an unhappy marriage but who still needs his DAd. HELP PLease!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry, too long for me to handle today, as I am having to set a limit on the maximum length of posting I can dare to read and try to reply to, but I hope other readers will respond helpfully and kindly.

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Our users say:
Posted by: CK21 | 2008/06/20

As a man, i've had a similar set of facts wih my wife. All I can tell you is that people do not change, irrespective of anything. He is what he is - you need to decide whether you are willing to put up with this for longer, or have you had enough. Personal experience has taught me that a relationhip *any type of relationship) is a two way street - there needs to be mututal love, mutual respect, mutual sacrifice etc. Your husband sounds like a very troublled person, and this should not be something that you have to pay the price for. More importantly, your child will inevitably grow up with these issues around him which can never be heealthy for children.

You need to start thinking about yourself. If you were to ask every other person in your situation about whether or not they were able to see a sustained change in their partners, 99% would say no - that is just the truth.

Good luck!

Reply to CK21
Posted by: SB | 2008/06/19

Dear Trapped,

I was in exactly the same situation as you, what I did was simple, I treated him exactly the way he treated me if he was rude to me I am rude back, I he gives me the silent treatment I give it to him 10 times worse. My husband then told me one day, "you are not the women I married I don't know you" my reply to him was You made me this way. I am treating you the way you are treating me. He didn't like that at all because it wasn't nice anymore. Men and women in my opinion are equal and NO MAN has the right to treat a woman like that. He should be ashamed of himself. good luck

Reply to SB

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