advertisement
Question
Posted by: Anon | 2012/04/14

When do you walk away from family

I have had a complex upbringing, which resulted me in leaving home at a very early age (before matric), never saw my family for years - and was rather content with this arrangement. When I had kids, I sort of decided to make amends with the family - the whole blood thing and guilt. Needless to say it has not gone all that well, but I have tolerated it for 7 years - which has resulted me now reaching my breaking point.
I hate my mother, have no respect for her, and really could not care if she was dead. I know this sounds harsh, but after everything that she has put my through as a child and now as an adult, she does not deserve more. I get on ok with the rest of my family - who all blatantly admit they know what my mother has done, and they do not support her, yet they all stand by her for the sake of blood relations. This is now putting me in a bit of a position, because it is turning things into an all or nothing choice, in order for me to walk away from my mother, I need to walk away from my entire family. I do understand that the rest of the family do no belong in the middle of the battle, however I also do not want to have to lead almost 2 lives - one when in the presence of my mother, and the other my actual life. I have always maintained that it was then being hypocritical to myself. I feel nothing never seeing her again, and am more comfortable knowing that my kids never have to see her again, however it means then that all christmass''s, birthdays etc, we will never attend. It also means that my kids will not see their grandfather (parents are still married - surprisingly). cousins uncles - and in all honesty is does not phase me at all - but is it being fair to the kids, do they really need to know family?
The friends that I have are closer to me than my family ever was - and I do have a support circle in them (as do my kids). There is no family on the kids father''s side at all, so this really is their only blood.
My reasons for the hatred of my mother is very deep rooted, but to give examples, when my husband died, her only comment was that I was better off and should appreciate that things happen for a reason. My family never attended his funeral incase they upset my mother. (My husband was a good man, and there was nothing wrong with him other than he stood up to my mother).
When I had children he convinced me to get in contact with my family - my mothers comment was she hoped I used a sperm donor, and that he did not father my kids.
When I was a child, the amount of emotional abuse that I endured from her was extreme, There was occasions where she physically abused me - not badly, but included throwing plates at me, putting my head in the toilet etc.
The reason she has always treated me the way she has is because I was the only girl in a family of 5 sons - so was always the odd one out.
I guess I am asking, am I wrong walking away from all this drama for good. I personally cant have a medicore relationship with her where I just tolerate her for the sake of peace, so for the sake of the kids, I either try and make things work - which I have failed at currently - or I take the kids away from it all for ever.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Oh, the awful things that get done in the name of "blood" or "blood relations" !
There is no value whatever in children knowing any or all of their relatives, unless those relatives, and relationships with them, are at least benign, if possible nurturing. Mere relationship, without true caring, is really of no recognizeable value.
And where, like the mother you describe, she is cruel, unforgiving and abusive, they can only benefit from not knowing her.
You tried to make things work with her - and the failure of that mission was her fault, not yours - and should feel no guilt or worry about giving up that fruitless attempt and moving on with a life that sounds as though it will be enhanced by her absence.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Pain | 2012/04/16

I feel if a relationship is detrimental to you it will in a long run affect the kids. I am not sure how people can separate loving the child without loving the mother. I have always not gotten along with my sister, as the years went by it just got worse. Now I can safely say I hate her and I do not want her or anything about her around me. She is toxic, I have tried to be accommodating but I always end up with egg on my face. She is selfish, rude and everyone is always making excuses for her. I am not the type, so maybe am not the right person to answer, for me I will say let go of bad rubbish.

Reply to Pain
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/04/15

Oh, the awful things that get done in the name of "blood" or "blood relations" !
There is no value whatever in children knowing any or all of their relatives, unless those relatives, and relationships with them, are at least benign, if possible nurturing. Mere relationship, without true caring, is really of no recognizeable value.
And where, like the mother you describe, she is cruel, unforgiving and abusive, they can only benefit from not knowing her.
You tried to make things work with her - and the failure of that mission was her fault, not yours - and should feel no guilt or worry about giving up that fruitless attempt and moving on with a life that sounds as though it will be enhanced by her absence.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement