Posted by: sad | 2009/07/25

When can I just give up?

i know your answer will probably be " never"  - there are millions of people with problems far greater than mine and i should be grateful for the opportunities and life i have. i' ve tried telling myself that - it only deepens my guilt and further entrenches the feeling that i' m nothing/nobody/a bad person/such a piece of shit that i don' t deserve to be alive.

i' ve been in therapy for about 18 months and things have only got worse. i go to a support/therapy group. i' ve tried a few anti-depressants. now i' m refusing meds because they' ve only made me regard myself as an enemy for letting them control my mind. please don' t try to convince me that meds do NOT control your mind - people have tried already. therapy hasn' t changed a thing - it just feels like people are telling me that the few things i do have clear in my mind are wrong.

i really want to give up. the struggle to carry on existing every day is not worth the existence i lead. i have no ambitions, aspirations - there is nothing i want from life. i just want to sleep, all the time. i can' t kill myself because i don' t want to hurt my mother - and any words in the world would not take away the hurt that i would cause her. i' m deluding myself if i think i can kill myself without killing part of her, too. so what do i do? hours and hours of damn expensive therapy, months of pills which only made things worse. how long do i have to carry on doing this? it all falls under the term " depression" , but nothing is helping. i' ve tried exercising, being with friends, volunteer-work etc. the therapist wants to convince me that i do care and i want to be with people - why? i don' t care any more, and i don' t want to be around people. because i don' t have a plan to kill myself anything i say is not taken as urgent - which means that i' m just going to live in this purgatory until i die of other causes. i want to give up. i don' t even know why i' m posting here, because i can' t imagine anything anyone says changing things.

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Our expert says:
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Exactly as you expected ---Never. that's the only good answer. You are worth far too much, to ever give up.
What sort of "therapy" have you been in for 18 months while getting worse ? If it is psychoanalytic type, lie back and talk of your childhood, type therapy, or shapeless and wishy-washy, give it up as useless and get a competent therapist using modern and proven methods like Cognitive Behaviour Therapy ( CBT ). I'd be very surpised if you made no progress in even 6 months of proper CBT.
It sounds as though those "few things (you) have clear in your mind" are entirely negative things, which you may be clinging to. In proper CBT, you would be hlped to scientifically test these negative assumptions you feel so at home with, and see how they are unhelpful and damaging, and how alternatives actually work better and in the end make more sense.
It sounds as though you have brilliantly brain-washed yourself into believing nothing will work, and in a sense may be sabotaging each method to ensure that it doesn't work. That may lead to worsening depression, but maybe some deeper sense of satisfaction that at least you are right about being awful and incurable. But that only seems true because you are making it appear to be so. I wonder if you have taken any of the antidepresants in the right doses, times and duration for them to have a chance to be helpful. And I wish you were right that ADs somehow magically control the mind. All they can do is enable you to regain useful control of a mind in which chemical imbalances have ensured you are losing control of essential aspects in how it works, and enable you to use this fresh control in ways that are fruitful rather than self-destructive.
How do you use a self-help / support group ? As an opportunity to try to convince others of your negative point of view, and find faul with their diferening views on the situation, perhaps ? Or to honestly consider the views fo others, as possibly at least as valid as your own, maybe even more so. If people keep trying to msugest that some of the things that seem so clear in your mind, are wrong --- it is possible these people might be right ?
You are absolutely right about at least one thing, though, the terrible hurt it would cause to your mother --- and probably to more other people that you would realise, if you did anything to harm yourself.
However, I applaud your decision NOT to harm yourself. That's an absolutely right decision. But then, what would "giving up" really mean ? Isn't there a signficant sense in which you have already actually given up, in ways that have prevented all the potentially useful interventions from being allowed to help you ?
At least one of the reasons you posted here is because within you, part of you reognizes that your negative thoughts are indeed incorrect and unhelpful, and that though giving up seems attractive, it certainly won't help any more than anything else does --- whereas most of the interventions you have tried COULD help, but only if you would allow them to do so. Being in such a negative frame of mind is indeed unplesasant, but it can become a habit that offers at least the comfort and security of familiarity. I hope you have the courage to change that and actually allow the various methods of hel, to help ?
And take Zexeon's kind words seriously, too. She has faced far worse hurdles than you have ( not in any way to diminish yours ) and still finds ways to cope and find positive aspects to life

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Our users say:
Posted by: Zexeon | 2009/07/25

I seem to do most things wrong (couldn' t even draw blood today as I most probably went right through the vein so I just realized so 3/4 times ain' t that bad as we are human we fail sometimes. At least you spelled voluntary work right. Ich denke freiwillige arbeit solle gut sind aber ich bin eine Schizo und kein Menschen brauche mich. Although I help with children at church again as from tommorow and really enjoy them so going to do it. It might leave your mother hartbroken should you die, my brother even told me he won' t come to my funeral if I kill myself, he' s so funny (I love him to bits as well) My daughter did a fun run and was tripped and end up 18th place with a silver which is great cause she could have given up and got nothing I' m so proud of her. So I' m glad I saw it as a problem to inject a coctail paste of meds into myself or ... as I might even just have harmed my body and live with the concequences. I saw a guy that might have been in a motorbike accident and I actaully pittied him and prayed for him and that made me realise we are actually ... anyway don' t do anything you might regret later as with some sleep anything might look beter tommorow ... :-)

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