Our expert says:
Exactly as you expected ---Never. that's the only good answer. You are worth far too much, to ever give up.
What sort of "therapy" have you been in for 18 months while getting worse ? If it is psychoanalytic type, lie back and talk of your childhood, type therapy, or shapeless and wishy-washy, give it up as useless and get a competent therapist using modern and proven methods like Cognitive Behaviour Therapy ( CBT ). I'd be very surpised if you made no progress in even 6 months of proper CBT.
It sounds as though those "few things (you) have clear in your mind" are entirely negative things, which you may be clinging to. In proper CBT, you would be hlped to scientifically test these negative assumptions you feel so at home with, and see how they are unhelpful and damaging, and how alternatives actually work better and in the end make more sense.
It sounds as though you have brilliantly brain-washed yourself into believing nothing will work, and in a sense may be sabotaging each method to ensure that it doesn't work. That may lead to worsening depression, but maybe some deeper sense of satisfaction that at least you are right about being awful and incurable. But that only seems true because you are making it appear to be so. I wonder if you have taken any of the antidepresants in the right doses, times and duration for them to have a chance to be helpful. And I wish you were right that ADs somehow magically control the mind. All they can do is enable you to regain useful control of a mind in which chemical imbalances have ensured you are losing control of essential aspects in how it works, and enable you to use this fresh control in ways that are fruitful rather than self-destructive.
How do you use a self-help / support group ? As an opportunity to try to convince others of your negative point of view, and find faul with their diferening views on the situation, perhaps ? Or to honestly consider the views fo others, as possibly at least as valid as your own, maybe even more so. If people keep trying to msugest that some of the things that seem so clear in your mind, are wrong --- it is possible these people might be right ?
You are absolutely right about at least one thing, though, the terrible hurt it would cause to your mother --- and probably to more other people that you would realise, if you did anything to harm yourself.
However, I applaud your decision NOT to harm yourself. That's an absolutely right decision. But then, what would "giving up" really mean ? Isn't there a signficant sense in which you have already actually given up, in ways that have prevented all the potentially useful interventions from being allowed to help you ?
At least one of the reasons you posted here is because within you, part of you reognizes that your negative thoughts are indeed incorrect and unhelpful, and that though giving up seems attractive, it certainly won't help any more than anything else does --- whereas most of the interventions you have tried COULD help, but only if you would allow them to do so. Being in such a negative frame of mind is indeed unplesasant, but it can become a habit that offers at least the comfort and security of familiarity. I hope you have the courage to change that and actually allow the various methods of hel, to help ?
And take Zexeon's kind words seriously, too. She has faced far worse hurdles than you have ( not in any way to diminish yours ) and still finds ways to cope and find positive aspects to life
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal
advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.