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Question
Posted by: whatwhat 24 | 2007/03/26

what's up with her?

hi all

Hope you all had a fab weekend and are not too down that it is monday morning.

need your advice/comments on a relationship i am in. As i have posted before, i was in a committed relationship with the most wonderful man for 6 years. When he started talking about marriage, i realised that i could not carry on the relationship knowing, deep down as i have always know but have been too afraid to confront, that i'm a lesbian. I ended the relationship and have since gotten involved with a woman.

Now, you must know that i have never felt this way about anyone in my life. It is so exciting but at the same time so scary. And, despite the fear, i am not at all frightened about committing to her, yet she has issues with commitment.

The past month she has been busy at work and i understand that, but now that that has finished, i thought that she would be more available. yet, she still remains distant. I eventually lost patience with the whole scenario yesterday and told her that i felt i was the only one committed to making this relationship work and if it isn't what she wants she is free to end it. if however she wants to try make it work, i'm willing (remember i'm crazy about her).

We chatted yesterday and she apologised for being so distant and we are going to give it another go. my concern is that she has said that she never wants a long term relationship and still remains emotionally unavailable. at the same time, however, she acknowledged that this is her first relationship in five years and is still 'learning'. And she does seem to change as our relationship progresses. for example, initially she told me she didn't want a girlfriend and now refers to me as that and we are exclusive.

my question is this, do i stick around to see where this goes or do you think it is a lost cause? i think i'm falling in love with her and don't want to fall too hard...

FYI she has no issues with the whole 'gay' thing so don't believe this is a factor in the whole scenario

thanks guys, may monday be swift

cheers
whatwhat 24

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi again Whatwhat 24 and thanks for this post.

I think many people are taking a bit of strain at work right now, for many of this is crunch time - financial year end. We need to make allowances for this, knowing that it will pass. A really great response from GreenEyes who points out that relationships go through phases and that your girlfriend does seem to want to make this work. It has been five years since your partner was in a long-term relationship, and maybe she's had a few bad experiences, but it sounds as if you can the exception and support her through her doubts.

Life is full of risks. Even making a pass at someone implies a potential risk of rejection. Engaging in a relationship implies a potential risk of failure or rejection. Falling in love with someone implies the risk of experiencing pain. Never let this hold you back - if you're developing strong feelings for her, great! Fantastic! You've been together for five months already so these feelings are probably long overdue - you've obviously developed a strong sense of who she is as a person and I'm sure your feelings are very real. Don't sabotage the relationship by backing off -take the risk, and support her in taking the same risk.

You've heard it countless times before I know, but keep the communication open and honest. Great that you were able to express that you sensed her not being available to you on an emotional level, and make sure you allow her the space to express herself openly and honestly without your becoming defensive. And mind that you don't over-crowd or smother her with your emotions and needs. Allow things to develop and unfold at a pace she's comfortable with.

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Our users say:
Posted by: GreenEyes | 2007/03/26

Good, i'm happy you're going for it.

We all take a risk of being hurt when we start opening ourselves up emotionally.
5 months, it's still pretty new... take things slow sweetie.
And if she's worth it, I'm sure she feels the same about you :)

My monday already sux, but thanks anyway :)

xxx

Reply to GreenEyes
Posted by: whatwhat24 | 2007/03/26

thanks for the response Green eyes. it's been approx. 5 months that we've been seeing each other. i never thought of myself as being emotionally distant - maybe i have, and i will definitely take that into consideration and work on it.

i agree with you that i have nothing to lose by giving this relationship a shot - rather take the risk of being hurt, she's very much worth it.

i hope your monday doesn't go too badly. thanks again :)

whatwhat 24

Reply to whatwhat24
Posted by: GreenEyes | 2007/03/26

Hey Whatwhat 24..

Ok, i'm sure in your previous post ( i do remember it) you told us how long you've been together... but remind me again pls :)

But apart from that, if she's already changing her attitude, even slightly, by referring to you as her girlfriend, and the fact that you guys are exclusive, i honestly wouldn't write off the relationship as a lost cause, by the sounds of it, she is trying to make it work (we all have our moments of being distant and withdrawing into ourselves, without even realizing it)

I can also fully understand you not wanting to get your heart broken, but that would mean YOU would need to be emotionally unavailable too... don't do that babe.

I would give her a chance, it sounds like she also wants to make it work...
take each day, argument, loving tender moments, hurdle and moments of just loving each other as they come.
Deal with issues as they come up, it's really good that you spoke to her about her being distant, keep everything out in the open.

But most of all, if your relationship works out, fantastic, i couldn't be happier, but if it doesn't, you would have atleast spent that time with the woman you love, and yes, quite possibly gotten your heart broken, but you WILL stand up, dust yourself off and say 'hell, i know this is painful, but i also know it's not the end of my world, my life will go on, and i will meet an amazing woman that will want to share her life with me'.

We're woman sweetheart, we find strength when we need it most, wether it's the strength to open ourselves up to love another, knowing we're taking a chance, or to deal with whatever heartache and pain that gets thrown our way.

Good luck, take each day as it comes.

Keep us posted :)

(hope my monday morning ranting has helped a little...)

xxx

Reply to GreenEyes

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