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Question
Posted by: Hi | 2007/05/09

What's going on?

Yesterday I saw an unfamiliar new name on one of the e-mails that my bf forwarded to me.

The name stands out between the others because it is indicated as someone who he regards as an older woman. I, out of curiosity asked him who she was and he replied that it's just a lady he knows. Later on when I asked him where he knows her from, he said that she was his sunday school teacher and worked at the doctor's office - implying or making it sound as though she worked at his doctor's office.

Still feeling uneasy about this woman, I checked the e-mail address and got her full name from it. I chatted to one of my friends about this and what do you know - she knows the woman. Turns out it's my bf's ex's mom. We have now had a huge fight over this as he has promised not to talk to his ex anymore, she has created enormous problems throughout the last six months of our relationship.

He is on good terms with her parents, although they did not date that long. Another thing is that the mom downloads her e-mails at home and the daughter still lives with her.

He promises that he only has contact with her mom, and just forwards innocent e-mails to her now and then. I have a weird feeling about this. Has anyone been in this type of situation, is it possible that he's telling the truth?

I have asked him over and over if he's still in contact with his ex and if he want's to be with her - he says he has made his choice. I've even told him that I'll give him some time with her to finish up this unfinished business or for him to truly figure out what he wants - and he still insists that he's made his choice.

He has cheated on me before and it's been two months since the last caught, fight, break up and make up. I can't do this for the rest of my life. He's talking about getting married. What can I do to know if I can truly be at ease in my relationship. He promises that he's changed and won't cheat again.

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Our expert says:
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I wonder why, if there was the chance that this would upset you, he bothered to forward this email to you ? That he did so surely shows that he had no idea that it would be seen by you as upsetting or sinister. And isn't it possible that the woman IS indeed his former Sunday-School teacher, ANd worked in some way in his doctor's office, AND is his ex's mom ?
As he apparently cheated on you before, clearly you have little confidence in his fidelity right now --- why not see a relationship counsellor together and work these things out ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Hi | 2007/05/09

The name looked odd between all his friends names, that's the only reason I was curious of who she was. It was only when he gave me those stupid answers that I realised that he was hiding something.

I was not snooping, it's pure coincidence that my friend knows this woman, but yes I sometimes feel that I have to go to desperate measures to check up on him and it sucks.

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Posted by: Hi | 2007/05/09

With the way I'm feeling now, I don't even what him to touch me.

He knows that the survival of our relationship is still in a critical condition, yet he still just does what he wants. Throughout our fight over this he has mentioned the idea of breaking up twice. So what'll happen is he'll break up with me and will be back in a couple of weeks time, telling me all the things he knows I want to hear. Dammit I should've kicked his ass the last time he came crying!!!!

Reply to Hi
Posted by: John | 2007/05/09

Hi Hi (looks like a Hawaian greeting!)

You know the old saying: looks like fish, smells like fish, tastes like fish......hey, it must be fish!!!

I am not sure if the other saying about "once a cheater, always..." because that does not make allowance for people to change and grow. I like to think people do have the ability to learn lessons from their own behaviour and to change accordingly. This separates us from the apes, don't you think?

Anyway, I have to agree with you that, in this case, things look a tad suspicious. The CS suggests that he left the woman's email address for you to see (as an odd kind of proof of innocence) but I think he was just being sloppy, specially since you have already caught him out, proving that he is not only dishonest but rather inefficient at it at as well.

On top of that, I do not imagine that you are enjoying the whole policing thing, snooping around and being all CSI over everything. Its an unpleasant existence, having the nagging feeling that all is not right while polishing the magnifying glass.

Trust can be earned and you have to decide if you want to give him the chance to do so. If not, return him to whence he came from, cash in the guarantee if its still valid and find another man.

Reply to John
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/05/09

Why do you keep on doing this to yourself? You will end up a nervous wreck and I can promise you now that you will break up in a few years' time if you don't break up with him now. Whatever you do, it will end between the two of you, and wouldn't it be best to do it now and save yourself a lot of heartache and stress?!

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: Me | 2007/05/09

sister - i have been there before, ended up having his child and guess what? he dumped me after he was a cheat! so i say RUN while you can.

They say once a cheat always a cheat - that is so true my friend. Good luck anyway

Reply to Me
Posted by: Hi | 2007/05/09

Even if she is a teacher, works for a doctor, has a daughter etc etc whatever.

Him just conveniently leaving out the little detail that makes such a huge difference is deceiving. So now he's gone from a lier to a deceiver?

Reply to Hi
Posted by: Hi | 2007/05/09

Yes, sure, thanx CS.

Isn't it possible that he is disguising his ex as her mom in order to communicate with her and did not think that I was clever enough to notice.

Also, if there's nothing sinister going on, why conveniently let out that 'this lady he knows' is his ex's mom? He has never ever mentioned that she was his sunday school teacher, he is the type to mention such detail.

If he would've said that it's his ex's mom, I would've been upset, but at least that would've been the honest answer and I would not be left wondering why he lied and who he is actually communicating with.

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