Posted by: May | 2007/04/23

What would you do....

I started dating X in January 2006, and he asked me to move in with him as soon as they finish building his house which is end of May. Yes he wants us to get married and have a family, he has a child and I also have one and she stays with my parents.
2 weeks back i found out that he is married and I asked him about it and told me that they've separated in November 2005 and are getting dirvoced. I then asked him why is it taking too long I mean a year is too much and told him that I ma not comfortable having a relationship with him until he decides on what he really wants and act on it. Not that I'm pushing him to dirvoce the lady but if he wants me to move in with me, he must be clean and have no past issues that are unresolved. I have given him a space to concentrate on this issue and make up his mind even if it means loosing me it is fine. I am very much protective of my daughter and myself and need someone who knows what he wants, but with him I am not sure, and he thinks I'm being unfair. What was I suppose to do.

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Our expert says:
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Not to have told you from the first that he is married was seriously dishonest. And it does indeed sound as though it is taking oddly long. Sounds like you made the right decision, and you were NOT unfair.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Buzz | 2007/04/24

May - you said it: he's keeping his options open. You went into this relationship in honesty and trust, but you didn't get it in return. Even if you continue this relationship, you will have trust issues with this man and no one can blame you. No excuse can justify a fundamental lie of 15 months.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Btdt | 2007/04/23

The fact that he did not tell you he was still married is one thing. But, being in the same position myself, the time it takes to get divorced is not unrealistic. Mine has been going 18 months, and still another 6 months before we even get to court.

So, discuss this with him very carefully. It COULD be that he considers himself divorced already, and is just waiting for the legalities to be formalised. Up to you to decide what's the truth

Reply to Btdt
Posted by: May | 2007/04/23

Thanks for all your honest responses, Kite I understand that you can't disclose eveything to every girl or man you meet, But as soon as you realise that you want to spend your life with someone, don't you think you need to let your skeletons out of the closet. Yes if he told me that he is going throug a dirvoce, i was going to understand give him time to do whatever needs to be done and then when he is a free man them would proudly say he is mine, He is not the first to go through and not the last so why hiding it. as for now I can not say that he is ours and I'm the second woman to him, I also thought he is not sure whether to leave the woman or not so he is keeping his options open just incase things doesn't work out for him then he can go back to save his marriage, provided the lady will be available for him at whatever time.

Reply to May
Posted by: kite | 2007/04/23

question is would you have said yes to him if you knew he was going through a divorce or separation had serious issues but still wanted to be with you im not saying ommitting th truth is right but how much information to you just give out, i was lucky enough because he said listen i have just one skeleton in my closet and i am not ready to disclose, i then saw his child one afternoon and he had no told me about the child i just this is your child and this is your skeleton. i took it in and accepted even if it hurt because i dont have a child i dont have baggage but he wants to be with me.
so before we all judge i just think he acted out of fear of losing you but was an idiot for taking too long!

Reply to kite
Posted by: Buzz | 2007/04/23

Why would he not tell you that his still married, but separated from his wife? The only reason I can think of, is because he still has feelings for his wife and/or a relationship with his wife!!!

Even if he is indeed separated from his wife and has no feelings for her, even if he got divorced today, would you still want a man who's lied to you about a fundamental issue right through your relationship, which is 15 months? It says everything about his integrity and character, and in your shoes, I'd stay away from this man.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: rose | 2007/04/23

no no no you are not unfair
thats rather manipulative id say.

why keep being married from you of theres nothing to hide?
trust your gut when you are unsure.

Reply to rose
Posted by: Mama Mia | 2007/04/23

Why did he not tell you in the first place that he is still married? How can he want to start a new relationship, ask you to move in with him and then only find out he is married.

Reply to Mama Mia

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