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Question
Posted by: Jupiter's Husband | 2004/01/08

What would you do?

I read the letter my wife (Jupiter) wrote to you and your reply on 07/01.
I'd like to tell you more to make things more clear then maybe you could give me effective advice. I also own clothing stores like my wife does. Basically I don't have other colleagues besides my wife. The other woman I contacted is not my work colleague. I met her a couple of years ago in one of my shops. A few months ago I met her again, from the job she is doing I thought she may have contacts for helping my friends and my new business. So then I did contact her a couple of times for this reason, and she did help. About that SMS, all I did was leave a message at her office that I would be there next day with people, then I received that SMS from her which said "No problem baby what would you like me to wait for you in". SInce I am a foreigner maybe people feel they more easy to say forward things or flirting with me which I always ignored.
I don't always tell my wife everything , whatever I think is not important I also forgot easily since there's so many other things I need to think of. Since my wife found the SMS I thought her reaction is unecessary. On the one hand I don't want to upset her or make her unhappy , that's why I stopped using the home phone to contact that woman. On the other hand I also believe I'm not wrong so that's why I still have contact with her.But recently she contact me more often which I don't want and I also think it's because my wife gave her this illusion.

Sometimes I feel like being myself, to keep connections and to keep my wife happy don't always go together.I also feel stressed. Since I'm a businessman I don't want to be too serious about those small things. I love my wife and I don't want to make our after hours miserable so I'm stressed because I feel that she says I lie but I think it's difficult to give her the right answer to make her happy since she is one very serious woman.

Is that really so bad?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Jupiter's Husband,
By Jove. Soon we may have the whole Pantheon present ! Nice to hear from you, anyhow.
From what you say, if there are even minor cultural / language differences, it can be difficult to understand fully when someone is being playful or flirtatious rather than just communicating straight-forwardly.
It sounds like, though your intentons may have been honest and honorable, maybe this other woman isn't being entirely pleasant, and maybe she is enjoying in some way the suspicions she has caused in your wife.
it sounds as if the situation that arose may have been innocent on your side, but that it did indeed look suspicious to your wife ( conversatons about business can usually be done during office hours, surely ). Maybe you did switch from using the home phone in the hope that this would be less upsetting for your wife --- but you can see how it could have looked still more suspicious to her. If you absolutely have to have business discussions with this woman out of office hours, wouldn't it be better for them to happen where your wife can hear that they're business and nothing more ?
Tell your wife that you love her, not only in words, but also in deeds. Explain to her what has ( and has not ) been happening. And you can tell the other woman that while you appreciate her help in regard to business contacts for your business, you are happily maried and don't want want to upset your wife who you love, so you don't want to have long conversations with her out of the office and office hours.
And otherwise, I think our regulars and readers have made their usual wise comments on your ps\osting, and agree with them.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Spooky | 2004/01/12

Something stinks - no question.

Since familiarity breeds contempt (the manifestation of which is now clearly visible and exposed by the blatantly explicit sms - and there was absolutely nothing ambiguous about it's intention to be flirtatious, so please let's cut the bullshit, ok) this outsider female has to be cast out of your personal and business lives immediately and permanently if your marriage is to stand any chance of survival.

A spade, is a spade!





Reply to Spooky
Posted by: jupiter | 2004/01/11

yeah right! this is the same things he told me. even a few days ago when i found he still sms and call her, he says it's her that sms him first. so what, i was so angry that i slapped him. he says he wanted to tell her not to contact him anymore, so what's stopping him? unless he's searching for a really polite way and moment to say it, ok it's understandable, meanwhile, what are all the sms's and calls about in between and until then? to top it all off i was cleaning earlier and found a crumpled tshirt in his cupboard with that same perfume smell. of course he can't smell anything even after the maid said it smells like perfume. well, i didn't want to ask her but i was frustrated that he was denying it. so what am i supposed to think. i wear perfume and by the end of the day it's worn off but how can he that doesn't even wear perfume have clothing that smells like it??? he has the cheek to tell me it may be grass or herbs like i'm some kind of moron that's nothing the first time he said it may be incense or soap and then finally coz he was holding a friends baby, tell me moms out there, do any of you lather your tots with perfume? when u wash your hands does the soap somehow travel to your neck, t and jacket?

i just don't get it. one moment i think to myself it can't be and things seem to be dandy n i think maybe i AM overboard, but then u suddenly find those hidden calls and scents out of nowhere!

the first time i called her she said she had a boyfriend, i asked her r u involved with a so and so (my husband's name) and she was evasive.
next call she tells me she is married and don't mess around with other women's men.
so what is it exactly boyfriend or husband? after the 2nd she sms my husband "u must call me now no joke" when he call she said u must sort out your shit with your wife or u can put her on the phone and we can all sort it out after she had just been extremely polite to me how can she scold him as if they know each other that well.

i won't say more now except that i know 2 wrongs do not make a right...amid all the speculation....i feel like doing exactly the same thing to him so help me god!

Reply to jupiter
Posted by: This sounds like a big fat greek wedding | 2004/01/10

Don't think for a minute that your wife has a problem. Let me tell you how jealous my wife is.

I have a female colluegue (hope thats spelled more or less right) who, because I have no desire or need to put her number on my cellphone is not on my cellphone address book. My wife's reaction after going secretly through my addressbook is ' What are you trying to hide, everybody else is on your addressbook'. She was probably going through my cellphone bill looking for incriminating evidence of illicit calls.

Shit happens and I'd really feel for you if this woman sent you this message out of the blue or if she had intended it for somebody else and pressed the wrong no. by accident. I wonder how many relationships have had really bad moments because out of the blue somebody sent a sexy sms to his or her phone. Unfortunely you cant prove you dont know the sender.

For a moment try to be honest with yourself rather than try to convince others of your innocense.

Reply to This sounds like a big fat greek wedding
Posted by: Us | 2004/01/09

After reading your posting I must say that you dont sound very sincere to me. Personally I think that you are hoping that your wife will read it, believe it and forgive you. If some woman that we do not consider to be close friend sent a massage like that to my husband I would chuck him out and ask questions later.

Reply to Us
Posted by: Untrue | 2004/01/09

I don't think you're being honest with us!
You told her that you sometime call her just to say Hi! and now you're networking with her? And really how do you call your business associate with a "Babe" or maybe you mix business with pleasure "exchange favours" I mean? Why don't you call her while your wife is around or involve your wife in that "business" you're doing, she also has a clothing store you know so she might learn a few things in that friend of yours.

Reply to Untrue
Posted by: Jasmine | 2004/01/09

Good for you for also stating your side of the story. However, I think you are not treating your wife with respect. Marriage is a joint venture. Treat her only as you would like to be treated. You say your actions are harmless, since your wife is not inside your head, how can she know that?
Communication is the key. If you bought a car, of course she should know. If you think its unimportant then perhaps you are not marriage material and you should never have got married in the first place.
One things for sure, you two aren't going anywhere untill this matter is resolved and she is able to trust you again.
Godd luck.

Reply to Jasmine
Posted by: advice | 2004/01/09

I am glad u chirped up.
Firstly whether u r a foreigner or not, woman should not send a married man such an sms - it implies that she is not only interested in business and since u continued to contact her in the quiet especially when ur wife is not there also implies that u have something to hide.... hence ur wifes reaction.
And what did u do to rectify the situation. U r at the end of the day creating the insecurity in ur wifes life, she is not doing that to u. So u need to solve the problem.
I agree with "Also a woman" - disassociate urself from this woman because at the end of the day, if u dont have love then what is materialism and its not as if u r poor as u did say clothing stores with an s.
Secondly how do u buy a car and not inform or discuss it with ur wife. What u deem as unimportant, she might deem as important. As cheap as the car might be, it is still important. An unimportant thing would probably be buying a sweet from a shop. Stop making ur marriage a business relationship, "the need to know basis attitude has to change".
If u r going to be late, phone and inform her. U r not a single guy anymore. U chose marriage, and hence u chose to share things.

Reply to advice
Posted by: Also a woman | 2004/01/09

Obviously you do love your wife and my suggestion is to break all connections with the other lady, even if it was only for business and to get more contacts for your business. As a woman I would react exactly the same if I found such a sms on my husbands phone. Your wife have to learn to trust you but having still contact with somebody sending sms's like that is not very fare. Give your wife a chance! Do not get me wrong I don't say you are in the wrong.... but where there is smoke there is fire! Give your wife reason's to trust you again!

Reply to Also a woman

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