Posted by: Just anoter one | 2008/06/06

What to think

This might be one of those problems, but I need to understand what is happening.

Three weeks ago, I overheard my husband talking on the phone to a female. I was studying with my ear phones, so he thought I couldn’t hear him. At first I thought he was pulling my leg and was about to get up and laugh at him, cause he should know by now I am not a jealous person. Something he said and the way he laughed made me really suspicious. So I sat down and continued listening. The things that were said. It sounded like a first meeting being arranged and planned, or rather a quickie. I started shaking real bad from shock. They talked twice that night. The whole night I am trying to figure out what the hell to do and plan a lot of stuff in my head. When he fell asleep, I took his switched off phone to have a look, there was no sms’s, but her number was on there, and switched it off again. Couldn’t sleep at all.

Eventually just before sunrise, I ask him if he loves me and if there is anything he needs to tell me? He said no. I asked him nicely, and made him understand that this might be his last chance, but still he said no. Then I asked him who he was talking to on the phone? He said to one of his friends. I then asked him why he was giggling, asking where “he” lives and would need condoms? Is he gay? Then there was the look! Gotcha. He tried getting out of it and I then got his phone, asked him to switch it on and went to the number and told him he can tell me or I will phone her. He told me. They haven’t met yet, done anything.

The thing is what I don’t understand; I stayed extremely calm through everything, not my style. We talked everything out, me still staying calm. Then he cracks, he doesn’t understand why I am acting the way I am. He would prefer me getting mad and acting up, because maybe that is what he deserves? I wasn’t going to, only thing I requested is that he shows me what she looks like. Still waiting.

Anyhow, things have been going extremely well after that, better than ever, even the sex. Did ask him do we need to get tested, and he assured me. Now the last week, he is always tired, doesn’t want to go out anymore, sex is a mission. He asked me why am I so nice to him lately? Duh, the whole attitude in our marriage is different, more relaxed, and both of us changed through this. I even thought maybe we needed this to happen as a wake-up call.

Can it be that he is struggling to get over this, cause right after it happened, I felt like he was cross with me for interfering with his live. Then he thanked me for caring so much to stop him from doing something stupid. I warned him that I am not his babysitter, shouldn’t and won’t watch his every move. I did offer the option to him to part ways, but he declined full on.

Why is he pulling back now, how does men’s mind work?

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Our expert says:
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Wouldn't some sessions of marriage counselling ( eg through FAMSA ) be a good idea ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: cheated on | 2008/06/06

how come some people say its temptation? sounds like it was offered on a platter. was it? when things like these happen, it usually ends up coming from both sides. why is one always more to blame than the other. he has a problem, he should have spoken to you. whether its lack of communication right down to sex. it was for him to fix whats lacking, not go looking for something else. the choice was his. he is lucky to have you, i would have turfed him

Reply to cheated on
Posted by: Just another one | 2008/06/06

I did call the number and spoke to her, not much, just made it very clear that I know where she lives and am aware of her, she is married too, and to not call or accept calls. I will call her husband and make him aware of what is going on.

As far as I can see, nothing wrong in the marraige, he assured me it is nothing in the marraige.

I will try and talk it out again, final talk about it. Still think it was just selfish lust, maybe even midlife crisis?

Reply to Just another one
Posted by: almost mad | 2008/06/06

you right, u not his babysitter. i think you two need some marrage counceling. Because even though he didnt cheat yet, you never mentioned finding out the root of the problem. Why did he feel he needed to have sex with another women. was it just selfish lust? or was there problems in your marrage. either way, cheating is wrong. He will be tempted again unless you two deal with the root problem instead of just deal with it as an isolated incident. You were right to confront him, but you make it sound all so simple. when in actual fact its a lot mor complex. i guess we all deal with things in different ways. I really cant say what he is thinking because i dont know him. But in general, he iis either still meeting with this women and wants you too, or he is truelly sorry and trying to avoid further temptations. good luck

Reply to almost mad
Posted by: Just another one | 2008/06/06

I hear you and I am over feeling guilty. I did ask why, what went wrong, and he assured me it was nothing I did. He himself doesn't know why, weak moment? Why is he pulling back from us now?

Reply to Just another one
Posted by: neo | 2008/06/06

i think he knows he's got more to loose by loosing you,i also think he got tempted and unfortunately for him it was more fortunate for you to can save go on girl give him something he can feel.never ever feel guilty for something you think it was the wright thing to do.good luck

Reply to neo

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