advertisement
Question
Posted by: Suri | 2004/11/15

What to do now?? Help!!

I love my boyfriend so much, I missed him alot this past week, he is in Durban for Diwali. He now wants to extend his holiday by 4 days more. I don't know how I am going to manage. Missing him made me very moody and emotional. I am crying alot.

He says he cares about me alot but his feelings for me are not the same as I feel for him. He says that when he gets back we need to discuss this and find a positive way forward in this relationship. He wants me to think about how can we move forward in this relationship that would be good for both of us.

I honestly don't know. I love him, and want him to be happy. I am even prepared to give him all my love and not expect any in return from him. But that makes him feel guilty. I don't know what to do. I have never had such strong feelings for anyone else before. My counsellor advised me to just love him and not expect too much in return and just enjoy being in love. I do enjoy it but sometimes it is so bitter-sweet that I just want to cry.

He keeps saying that his feelings is not the same but he is always phoning me. Always wants to see me, when we are together he doesn't want me to leave. I think he is scared of getting to deeply involved again. How do I try to find a way to show him that my love for him is real and true? How do I get him to realise that he truly loves me?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Suri, maybe you will be able to have a happy and wholesome relationship with this man, but not if you allow him to become so necessary to you that you weep and feel desperate if he adds 4 days to his holiday --- that sounds more like an addiction than a relationship. You have done so well in so many ways, recently, but this seems to be the next priority for you to deal with, and he's right that you need to deal with it.
Otherwise, in the love dept., you're like the swimmer, out of her death, who clings so desperately to the Lifesaver, that she strangles him !! It sounds like he is genuinely fond of you, but fortunately, without that desperate and addictive quality to your curent love for him --- so it's good that his love for you is different from the way you feel about him.
I wonder whether you are able to do what might be needed to show him how much you love him, as that might need you to work on lessening your degree of intensity of love till it's a bit less smothering, less frightening to the average nice guy. Try to enjoy being in Like, as well as in Love.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/15

Hi Suri,

Well I must say, more than that I don't think you can afford him right can you.

It's good knowing that he needs, but be open to the chance that because you feel so strongly for him, that hopefully this is not just something only you know.

Try, if you can, take the concentration off being in love, or loving him so much. Try rather sticking by your decision of being there for him. I know this is not easy, but I also know you cannot allow yourself to be lost in this love you feel. Always don't forget yourself Suri.

I feel it is good to feel with the heart, but it is better to rule with your head.

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Suri | 2004/11/15

Thanx for your advice.

Shaun, that is what I am trying to to do. I enjoy loving him. I enjoy just holding him in my arms when he is upset. He does need me, I know that. I have promised to be there for him.

He also has said that he cannot say he won't ever fall in love with me, he is just very cautious right now. I don't blame him. I just need to find some patience.

I was on the phone with him earlier. He said he can't wait to get home so that he could spend time with me. We both need each other and comfort each other alot.

Believe me if I felt that he was not honest and just using me, it would be alot easier for me to forget all about him and move on.

Reply to Suri
Posted by: Mona | 2004/11/15

A relationship has to be 100% from both sides, or it will never work. If he doesnt love you the same way, then he will just end up hurting you. Its not right for him to keep you on a string, so i suggest you talk to him and find out exactly how he feels. A breakup is never nice, and it hurts like hell, and although it wont feel like it at the time, it will get better, you will get over him, every cloud has a silver lining, you will find someone else that will feel the same about you! You can not force this man to love you. Be strong, we are here for you.

Reply to Mona
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/15

Hi Suri,

I am maybe gonna offend you here, but I have to ask this. Are you not giving too much of yourself in this relationship? I am quite proud of your progress & break-throughs you have recently made, & I must mention that the feelings you are experiencing right now may not be very healthy to your newfound individuality...
I think your new guy is being quite honest with you, & I feel that you really need to take his suggestions seriously. I'm sure you know you cannot force anyone into a realisation. Being there for him, listening to him, supporting him & understanding him right now maybe the best thing you can do at the moment. I feel this way coz he seems to want that quite badly.

As painful as it often is, being in love is knowing when to let go. Loving someone is exactly that... Love. But I would warn that you do not give too much of yourself to the extent that you feel lost & empty coz you not getting much back in return. Love also has a way of being much better when it is mutual... Equal give & take.

Missing him so much is not so bad, & I hope you give him time to miss you as well, so when he gets back he cannot wait to see you.

I tend to agree with your counsellor that you should just enjoy being in love right now, & try concentrate on that aspect as it kinda has it's own way of you projecting an air of being in a comfortabl place.

Remember, getting into a relationship on the re-bound always has the tendency to eventually bring out your dislikes & maybe even make you feel claustrophobic... Being in love can be hurtful, can be wonderful... Give it time to grow Suri.

Sorry if my response was not what you looking for, but I really feel you shouldn't ignore your recent break-throughs.

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement