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Question
Posted by: ME | 2004/02/09

What to do now??

Dear Doc, I'm a married woman and I had 2 sexual encounters with an ex working colleague. I left the company more that a year ago. The first encounter was a few days after I left the company and the second a few months after that. I'm not making any excuses about my unfaithfulness, but as usual there were a lot of things that contributed to this happening. I know, I know that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage and I know that Rome wasn't built in a day. I'm married for 10 years and have lovely 2 kids.Spoke to my husband about what happened and guilt made me move out the house for about a week or so and my husband said that the kids wasn't taking it so well, so I moved back in again, without resolving how we were going to work this out. We both went for counselling (professionally and the Christian way).

The guy I had my unfaithfulness with is a divorcee and a good friend. From the day I started working at my previous company I must admit I fell in love with him as a person, but he was married and I then pushed my feelings aside, I mean after all I was also married, but after a year or so after I heard of his divorce I started to talk more to him and we actually became good friends. We never use to go out for lunches and so on Always keep out of harms way(my motto) I knew how he felt about the divorce and his wife, he still loves her and would love to get back with her. But we both got caught up in our moments of weakness. I'm still thinking of him and what we did( I don't regret what we did, but as a Christian it is/ was not Biblical) I miss him badly and I miss talking to him. At times I wish that things were just different, that we both weren't married and we could've started a relationship. Sometimes I have to really control myself, not to phone him, or email him and I must admit it is difficult because I do have access to both of this. He doesn't know HOW I really feel about him as a person and to him it was most probably just something that happened. To focus more on my marriage last year my husband and I, we renewed our marriage vows and people think we're the ideal couple. And I feel like I'm the worst person on earth feeling the way I do.

I'm just wondering.... What can I do to forget about this whole ordeal. How can you as a person just kill or bliss this intense feeling you have for someone..... Am I a lost cause that wants to life a FAIRY TALE?? I set so HIGH standards for myself and look what I did!!!

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Our expert says:
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Dear ME,
One thing that would help you to forget about this regrettable incident would be to fill your time better with other activities, to leave less time to think dreamily about the affair. Life is absolutely NEVER a fairy tale ; if it feels as if it is, then (a) you're fooling yourself, and (b) the Wicked Witch is about to turn up and spoil the tale, anyway. You've been setting high standards for yourself theoretically, but not practically and in your deeds. It sounds also as if part of this wistfulness ( boy, but it IS full of wist !) is that you miss having this guy to talk to. Can't you find someone else to talk to, woman friends, especially, to replace this function ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: !!! | 2004/02/10

Matt: 11:28 "almal wat vermoeid en belas is, KOM na My toe"
Gaan na Hom toe....Hy sê in Sy woord: "Jy is skuldig......MAAR VRYGESPREEK".

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Posted by: ME | 2004/02/09

Females are difficult to trust and to talk to. They slander to much.....and the one is always better then the other. We are very judgemental and we judge before we hear anything.
We're always thinking saying - tramp, how could she, the poor guy, what about the kids, man I'll rather keep away from her just incase she want's to get hold of my husband, you can't trust her.....stuff like that

Maybe I should try keeping occupied, like you say "it will keep me from beig wistfull" about this guy, but how can I if almost everything I see reminds me of him.

Must admit it's not only the talking I miss, I just want to be in his embrace/company all the time. I REALLY DO MISS HIM ALOT.

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