Posted by: almost given up | 2008/09/12

what to do?

My wife and I have the perfect relationship, the only problem is sex, she was molested when she was young and she can' t get over this and therefor she has a mental block towards sex. I have tried everything I can possibly to try and help her get over this but nothing seems to help. Is there anything I can do, maybe books that anyone know of or a website where I can read up on what to do to help her. Maybe a good councilor that deals with this issues in the cape town area that I can take her to? Please help, I am at the stage where I am questioning if I must give up.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

This is one of the tragic consequences of sexual abuse and many victims struggle tremendously with initimacy, or certain sexual acts, in subsequent relationships. This is usually quite long work, as there are often a huge number of issues which 'block' victims in one way or another. I think you have the right idea about finding a counselling/clinical psychologist. You should be able to get a referral from your GP, or alternatively contact the SASHA helpline (0860 100 262) and request someone from their list that deals with such issues in your part of Cape Town.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: nh | 2008/09/15

I agree in full, just be patient. It took me quite a few years to get past my molestation affair. but due to my very patient husband I can have sex now without any fear or " dirty feelings" . She is very lucky just to have someone like you who cares so much.....

Reply to nh
Posted by: Dave | 2008/09/15

I feel sorry for you and your wife, but don' t give up - all good things come to those who wait. I suggest you and your wife find a peer support group for abused victims and go together - so you can know how she feels and so she can have the support of other people who have been through it.

Reply to Dave
Posted by: L | 2008/09/12

Dont give up on her cause she needs somoene who is going to be patient and understanding. Ur support will mean a lot to her. I know its hard but if u guys talk about it over an over again may be body will relax when she is with u.

Reply to L
Posted by: ANON | 2008/09/12

HI Almost given up

I was in the exact scenario, except im the wife who was molested and couldnt get pass it. DONT GIVE UP ON HER.

I maintained that i wanted to remain a virgin until i was married. Come honeymoon night and i was so terrified. So everytime we tried i would get tense and therefore did not have sex for 2 years. I did go see councillor,but to very honest with you it was a waste of money for me. Maybe it will help your wife though. So what my wonderful husband did was make me talk to him about the molestation over and over and over until it was like just another story. It still affects me, but not as much as it used. One day it just happened spontenously. My husband was patient and kind and understanding the whole time. Im happy to say that we have a healthy sex life now. I don' t know if this will help you in any way. Just wanted to let you know that I did get past it.

Reply to ANON
Posted by: L | 2008/09/12


I really feel for you. I was molested too when i was younger so i can imagine how your wife feels. It is not that we do not want to get " down and dirty"  just feels abnormal to us. I am very shy even after being married to the most amazing man for 11 years!! i look at sex shows and scenes from movies and i long to do that but when it comes to the crunch, i chicken out. Please do not give up on your wife. Tell her to do what i am doing - take it one step at a time, try things for the first time together - get to know each other' s body and tell her how you feel and vice versa. Explore together and make her understand that it is not a " dirty"  thing it is natural and beautyfull. Tell her that she should at all times be open and honest with you. If you try something and she does not like it then you will stop, or at least that is how we are trying to experiment. Good luck.

Reply to L

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.