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Posted by: What to do | 2008/01/25

What to do

Posted by: What to do
Message:
CS, in reply to my previous post and the question you asked (does this relationship overall make me happy?)
Yes this relationship honestly makes me happy at times, but How do I rate or measure the scale of balance or the quantity of happiness as opposed to the not so happy moments? Do you measure this in the average of hours, days or weeks? do I keep "score cards" pinning down all the positive and negative things he does and does for me personally, as opposed to the negative ? (Yes I do happen to have a calender note book which I use as a journal and I jot down all his moods, behaviour and habits, and one would think after 2 years I would have a complete pattern as to see the balance from a objective point of view. But NO I still don't. I've previously written to you about his daughter being his beginning and end (dated 10 Jan under Please help) and yes I do realise he has enormous problems, issues and hang ups. and yes he is a bipolar and alchohol user but yes he also tells everyone what I mean to him - and sometimes even to me. He basically does all the cooking (coz he loves it and actually love to do things for other people - but unfortunately only when he feels like it) He continously admit being unfair, selfish and non understandable at times but also refuse to hear nor talk about anyone or any thing involving therapy, help, medicine, counsellors or the worx. At times he become sullen, withdrawn, quiet, almsot to the extent of being cold hearted and not caring - but he then still never does anything to on purpose hurt me or any one else. At times like this he just request to be left alone until such time (it could be hours or days) that he emerges again. Our friends think we are the most adorable and wondeful couple on the planet, all the time saying things like you 2 looks so good together, you 2 sure are soulmates - and yes at times I feel that way to. He's got his own way of doing things and acting on other, and sometime almost create the impression that if I don't like him or his way's I know what to do. Other times he is appreciative of me and what I mean to him, thanking and praising me for all the love, care, support and what else. Only to perhaps a day or two later resume in his little corner not wanting me nor the world to bother him and his thoughts. He sometimes does magical unexpected things - stop next to a road to pick me a bunch of flowers - run me a bubble bath, write me a poem, plays me songs and at other times he has me hurt and literally in tears for not wanting to walk hand-in-hand in a shopping mall with me, not sending me smss's, not touching when I need it, not talking when I think need be - how on earth do I measure this ? overall ? literally?
Besides the fact that I told him I'll love him forever, I'm a spiritual person with a positive booming nature and non withstanding the fact that I honestly do love him with all my heart and mind and soul (why else would I have put up with him, his moods, his strange ways of acting) if I did not care as much as I do. I'm honestly still head over heals in love with him - have been since the day I met him, I'm forever wanting to pleasure him, hug him, cuddle him, kiss him and do positive inspiring things along with having loads of fun and laughter and creating a harmonious well balanced life together - at times I just don't know if its happening and if he is, due to previous hurt and distrusts, so disillusioned about life and way past really caring what quality of life he has. I take each day at a time, never knowing what today holds, will bring or how it will end. I always hope and pray that it will be a good positive one and I kinda live in my attitude towards him so as to that no one could ever turn around and say I didn't do my share. I believe in him, I trust him, I support him and although he makes be beyond mad at times and I end up despising myself for loving and caring so much I still do. How would you rate the overall balance of this relationship?

Am I, the dreamer, living in a fantasy world where I concure up visions of the ultimate paradise world where we live happy ever after? As long as I'm happy? :-) am I expecting to much from one single person? isn't he giving enough already - or as enough as his complexed personality possibly can? Could it be that I just might have more to give and offer and sacrifice and then I do and when I don't see the rewards and returns being mutual I feel cheated? I'm thinking so many things when poeple talk of starting a new live. There's a saying,: better the devil you know than the one you don't know". and also the grass is not greener on the other side. Everyone and all relationships most probably has their ups and downs and some more than others and in the end who says it would prove being better or more happier than what you have now in any rate?
dear CS please tell me all I need to (and not need to) know.

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Our expert says:
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Dealing with emotional issues mathematically never works, does it ? A pocket calculator does provide these answers. Part of the reason is that the values depend so much on what you personally and individually, do or don't value, and the right answer to your equation may be very different from anyone else's.
YOu seem to be describing a guy ( you seem to understand him rather well --- does he understand you ? ) who can be very pleasant and caring, and whose down-side isn't highly unpleasant, but a withdrawal at times when he feels he needs to be alone --- is it really too hard to agree to that ? With all due respect, compared with the horrors many women have to endure within a relationship, not holding hands in the mall, not sending SMS, really don't sound like massive negatives --- are you perhaps at times rather too needy, even demanding ? Is it at all possible that some of your expectations may be a bit unrealistic ?

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