Posted by: What to do? | 2008/01/23

What to do?

Please tell me when or how do u make the decision (again) when u know or realise (again) that a relationship is in a bad shape. When its more bad than good for u and u are having more tears than laughter, more hurt than help, more destruction than passion, and u most probably deserve more from live? but how would u know for sure? i've been reading all sorts of material in order to asses my relationship and now I finally need to decide to do something about it, don't I? What good does it do reading Robin Norwood books about "Women Who Love to Much" and the rest of them when at the end of the day I'm still confused and don't know if I should make a decision or not?? And I spend my days fretting about should I make and end to it or should I just gracefully continue as things are at presents? should I distance myself emotionally (okay try harder again) and live in the same house but gradually detach myself from him and any and all words, activities, things he does or doesn't do, where he goes or talks to - basically just end up for mere financial reasons and the odd occasional and far between sharing moments of having another breath in the house or should it be seen that I cannot do this bacause it will hurt me to much and at the same time be imposiible to try and live life that way when I'm still so in love with him and yarning and craving for any caring and positive anything from him. I know I'm a woman who love to much, I know i'm basically addicted to him, I know all of this and still I cant imagine myself a life without him. What to do? except things for what they are worth and realise what they wont ever be, live with the saying you've made your bed now sleep on it, or cut the cord and make a painfull unthinkable transgression with a start to a "new" life?

Like so may others I've probably had arun through all the answers and the questions but I would just like to know why one don't do what you know or think would be betterment and after realizing so many wrong indifferent things about a guy and your relationship, why still in spite of all this do I cringe inside just at the mere though of having to not see him every day?? What to do?

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Our expert says:
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It'll be interesting to zee what other readers have to say here --- stop lurking and join in, folks !
Overall, does this relationship make you happy ? Why not see a relationship counsellor together so as to be better able to make a wise decision ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2008/01/23

CS won't see your second message, you have to start a new post if you want him to comment again.

You are in a very difficult situation. Living with someone like your partner cannot be easy. It's probably not easy for him to be him either.

I get the feeling that you are afraid to try having a life without him? Since he won't see a counsellor, why don't you go on your own? I think you would benefit from talking this over with someone objective, and perhaps working on your own self esteem so that you feel better equipped to be a person in your own right, not just one half of a relationship. Perhaps it would also help if you can take up a hobby, do some volunteer work, learn a new skill... anything that gets your mind off your relationship for a while and lets you feel good about yourself. You may even find that it becomes easier to deal with his mood swings if you have alternative outlets for your feelings.

Take care

Reply to Maria
Posted by: What to do | 2008/01/23

CS, Yes this relationship honestly makes me happy at times, but How do I rate or measure the scale of balance or the quantity of happiness as opposed to the not so happy moments? Do you measure this in the average of hours, days or weeks? do I keep "score cards" pinning down all the positive and negative things he does and does for me personally, as opposed to the negative ? (Yes I do happen to have a calender note book which I use as a journal and I jot down all his moods, behaviour and habits, and one would think after 2 years I would have a complete pattern as to see the balance from a objective point of view. But NO I still don't. I've previously written to you about his daughter being his beginning and end (dated 10 Jan under Please help) and yes I do realise he has enormous problems, issues and hang ups. and yes he is a bipolar and alchohol user but yes he also tells everyone what I mean to him - and sometimes even to me. He basically does all the cooking (coz he loves it and actually love to do things for other people - but unfortunately only when he feels like it) He continously admit being unfair, selfish and non understandable at times but also refuse to hear nor talk about anyone or any thing involving therapy, help, medicine, counsellors or the worx. At times he become sullen, withdrawn, quiet, almsot to the extent of being cold hearted and not caring - but he then still never does anything to on purpose hurt me or any one else. At times like this he just request to be left alone until such time (it could be hours or days) that he emerges again. Our friends think we are the most adorable and wondeful couple on the planet, all the time saying things like you 2 looks so good together, you 2 sure are soulmates - and yes at times I feel that way to. He's got his own way of doing things and acting on other, and sometime almost create the impression that if I don't like him or his way's I know what to do. Other times he is appreciative of me and what I mean to him, thanking and praising me for all the love, care, support and what else. Only to perhaps a day or two later resume in his little corner not wanting me nor the world to bother him and his thoughts. He sometimes does magical unexpected things - stop next to a road to pick me a bunch of flowers - run me a bubble bath, write me a poem, plays me songs and at other times he has me hurt and literally in tears for not wanting to walk hand-in-hand in a shopping mall with me, not sending me smss's, not touching when I need it, not talking when I think need be - how on earth do I measure this ? overall ? literally?
Besides the fact that I told him I'll love him forever, I'm a spiritual person with a positive booming nature and non withstanding the fact that I honestly do love him with all my heart and mind and soul (why else would I have put up with him, his moods, his strange ways of acting) if I did not care as much as I do. I'm honestly still head over heals in love with him - have been since the day I met him, I'm forever wanting to pleasure him, hug him, cuddle him, kiss him and do positive inspiring things along with having loads of fun and laughter and creating a harmonious well balanced life together - at times I just don't know if its happening and if he is, due to previous hurt and distrusts, so disillusioned about life and way past really caring what quality of life he has. I take each day at a time, never knowing what today holds, will bring or how it will end. I always hope and pray that it will be a good positive one and I kinda live in my attitude towards him so as to that no one could ever turn around and say I didn't do my share. I believe in him, I trust him, I support him and although he makes be beyond mad at times and I end up despising myself for loving and caring so much I still do. How would you rate the overall balance of this relationship?

Am I, the dreamer, living in a fantasy world where I concure up visions of the ultimate paradise world where we live happy ever after? As long as I'm happy? :-) am I expecting to much from one single person? isn't he giving enough already - or as enough as his complexed personality possibly can? Could it be that I just might have more to give and offer and sacrifice and then I do and when I don't see the rewards and returns being mutual I feel cheated? I'm thinking so many things when poeple talk of starting a new live. There's a saying,: better the devil you know than the one you don't know". and also the grass is not greener on the other side. Everyone and all relationships most probably has their ups and downs and some more than others and in the end who says it would prove being better or more happier than what you have now in any rate?
dear CS please tell me all I need to (and not need to) know.

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