Posted by: exhausted | 2007/08/16

what to do?


I am a 25 year old father, for 5 months now. i met the mother of my child 2 years ago and she was already a mother of 2. we fell inlove and have been together since. we are shortly due to be married and things are not going so well.... very long story.

She has SERIOUS trust issues due to previous arseholes who have made life terrible for me. but i have spent the last year in couple counceling as well as individual.

i have got to a point were i really feel i can no longer handle it. We fight over small things, she invades every inch of me with aggresive force and unfounded accusations. i am cussed down for imaginery things and then i have to apologise. i feel that i am the father that came into the realtionship with two boys as she does not show them the same interest or emotion as she does the baby and it is as if they are cast to the side for me tro take care of, but when i do then there is a whole uprising as to what my intentions are towards them and if i love them!!!! on and on and on.

What i really want to know is if i left now before i get married in september what are my chances, under South African Law, of getting custody of my Josh. She is not capable to look after all three and she often threats suicide to get the insurance money paid out to them as a means of their survivial.

Should i stay on the path and get married will this help the chances of custody?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It sounds as though you hacve seriously tried to solve these problems, with couples counselling and indiviodual counselling --- but it sounds very much as though it is HER who needs the individual counselling --- doesn't she recognize that she needs more serious help to work with her personal issues ?
Your actual question is of course a legal one, and only a good local lawyer could answer it for you. If you can assert, and better yet document the concerns you have about her behaviour especially as it bears on her fitness to have custody, sole or shared, of the kids, the court is supposed to decide on the basis of whatever is best for the children. I don't see how continuing towards getting married would improve your chances of custody, but again, that's a legal question, and a local lawyer experienced in such matters would not only know the law but have some idea of how the magistrates in your area usually handle such cases

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: hope | 2007/08/19

I'm wondering if she could be suffering from post partum depression. The baby blues are common after having a baby but sometimes they do not subside, and cause a depression. If she is threatening suicide, then she obviously needs some counseling or medication. Does she realize that she is acting this way?? Perhaps she could visit her OB GYN to discuss this and get started with some sort of treatment. If she hasn't always been this way then it could be the case. She needs to realize that she is hurting not only you, but her children as well. I wonder where is their father??? Does he have any involvement with the children?? Could it be that after she had his children, that is when problems started with them, which leads her to feel the same will happen with the two of you, as you say she has had a hard time trusting you because of her past?? Perhaps, you should consider post poning the marriage, if she agrees to get help.....then if not,, like CS says, document her behavior, recored any information that would prove her to be an unfit mother to help for you to obtain custody. She needs help, and I think I would try to get her the help she needs. Good luck to you, and congradulations on becomming a new father. Don't let all this take away from the new life which is dependant upon you.....

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