Posted by: Inc | 2004/09/27

What to do?

Hi friends... Please tell me what to do?
I have recently been dating a man that I am so infatuated with... It's been 2 years since the break-up with my ex... thing is I don't know how to tell the new guy about me... I thought I wouldn't say anything... just tell him that he has to use a condom because I don't want to fall pregnant and that I'm not on any other contraception... that was plan A. I didn't expect the response that he gave me... which was that he is already sterilized! Now what? I know that I should tell him... but I don't want to risk losing him! I've lost so much and been rejected by my family, friends and even the guy I was dating because of this disease.. I don't want to lose again... I know that if he really likes me the way I think that he does, that he will stay with me... but it's such a risk. Please tell me how I should handle this?

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Posted by: Ted | 2004/09/30

Geee, Inc you know what? I believe from the bottom of my heart that you have more than enough strength and courage to overcome whatever challenge that comes your way.

Everyone faces challenges in life but its only the strong at heart like you that survive and your survival ensures the survival of those who aren't strong as you are. It is the resposibility of the strong at heart to remain strong to keep the strongest link going.

Interesting quote: " The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing".

You know what girl? you are a good person and a lot of people survive on your goodness, don't allow anything to change that okay!

Reply to Ted
Posted by: AMAZED | 2004/09/27

Nobody is tired of listening to you. It helps to talk, I wish this forum had been around when I was going through my own hell.
Your ex-husband and your ex both sound like real pigs. Why do we as woman always pick rubbish, and the good ones we are not interested in?
Dont feel any guilt about anybody. YOU ARE NUMBER 1. Your ex didnt want you then, why should he have you now, when nobody else wants him. Leave him where he is. Does he have any contact with your daughter? Does he pay maintenance, Im sure not, so why does he deserve to see you or her???
As for your mother. Im sorry but I cannot imagine any mother doing things like she has done. Im glad that you are not bitter about it, but a mother should always be there for her kids, even when they are big. You owe her nothing, fine, she gave birth to you, which you did not ask for, but apart from that??
As for her accusing you and your stepfather, maybe he had been having affairs and she had to blame somebody.
As long as you know that you have done nothing wrong, feel peanuts for all of them.
Its home time - so go home, have a great evening, ignore his calls/messages. Have a great evening with people who love you - your kids.

Reply to AMAZED
Posted by: Inc | 2004/09/27

Thank you for all the encouragement... I really needed that today.

The ex that I spoke about on Friday is not my ex husband... I got involved with this man after my divorce... he told me he was divorced and for a little while I was happy... then I got a call from his mistress telling me that he was still married to his wife and that the he has this mistress too... I put him out only to discover that I was pregnant... so, I went through all that on my own... he also had both me and the other mistress pregnant at the same time... now he is stalking me... and he always makes me feel like I've done something wrong to him... He has never apologized for what he's done... he doesn't feel that he did anything wrong... he sent me a message this morning and I just ignored it. It was a really difficult time for me ... being pregnant ... having the germ and having to test my baby all on my own.... but all this has made me stronger. This is why I'm so scared of getting involved again.

my mother never approved of my husband and always told me that I would end up with AIDS... I can't help but feel that she wished it on me... my family and I have a bitter relationship. My mother sent me to CT to live with my aunt when I was 4... because she married my step-dad and he didn't want me around... I came back home when I was 16 and my mother and I have never seen eye-to-eye... from a young age, she made me feel that I owed her for having me... that I have always been a burden to her... that she should have given me up for adoption... she accused me of having an affair with my step-father when I was 17... and I had the whole family on my case... I can't tell you the things that my mother has done to me... my family always told me that I wouldn't finish school... that I would fall pregnant and get married before matric... but I proved them wrong... even then, I was always being picked on... because of my mother. No, I don't hate her... I've just learnt that it is best to keep a safe distance to protect myself from her attacks... Yes, she feels that I got what I have because I didn't listen to her...
Shoo... I hate talking about the past! I'm sure you are tired of listening to me too...
well, I feel much better than I did this morning... thanks to this forum and the amazing people it holds.

Reply to Inc
Posted by: Lothma | 2004/09/27

Inc, I am also on the very same kind of boat,and my feeling is that its too soon to tell him everything about yourself - for all you know he could be having the virus himself because he is so trusting - I say stick to the previously mentioned condom story and carry on with life, tomorrow will have to take care of its self for now.

Just enjoy life as long as you do not spread the disease all is well - but on the other hand you do know that you will have to tell him one day.

Reply to Lothma
Posted by: AMAZED | 2004/09/27

I agree, that will be a good way of doing things. Like you say, you will also be able to see his reactions.
Never ever feel cheap and worthless. You did not ask to get this "germ" your ex-husband gave it to you. He also gave it to how many other woman who might not even know it yet. The so called "family and freinds" that rejected you will be sorry one day - what goes around, comes around. They are not worthy of you or your love. I can understand certain "freinds" rejecting you, as in times of trouble you always find out who is your real freind, but family??? It baffles my mind that your own family are like they are. There are so many people out there who think that they are so safe and happy, point fingers at women whose husbands screw around, saying the woman deserves all she gets, it freaks me out totally. My so called freind actually slept with my husband and still visited me, listening to me cry my heart out, offering advice, meanwhile telling the world that I was not decent enough for my ex.
One day, somebody that has rejected you will also catch this "germ", not a nice thing to say, but true.
The same "freind" that slept with my ex now sits a very lonely bitter woman.

You sound an amazing person. I have never met you yet I think of you often. You always know the right thing to say and you have been through so much. But you are a strong person (even if you dont feel like one right now) and whatever you decide to do and whatever the outcome - you will come through it smiling.

As for spending the rest of your life alone. Like you say, you have got so much love to give, and somebody will realise that and accept you for being you.
I cannot stress enough, you are not cheap and worthless, you are a woman who believed in her husband and got a bad deal.
(Did you get rid of him over the weekend - he sounds a real shit)

Reply to AMAZED
Posted by: Inc | 2004/09/27

thank you Amazed... yes, I always have advice to give others and I try to be positive... but my problems are very large... I don't find it easy to talk about them. Yes.. my feelings for this man are quite intense... I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.... I feel that I have so much love to offer... but it's this thing and the things that go through people's minds when they know... I didn't ask for this to happen to me... but people (my family and lost friends) that make me feel cheap and worthless. I'm going to tell him that if he wants any action from me, then he must use a condom - I don't know his past and he doesn't know mine... then I can tell from his reaction and decide if I will tell him about me or not... I don't know yet if I should bare my soul to someone who doesn't share my feelings.
I truly hope and want him to be that special person in my life... but it seems that only the truth will determine that. He lives in JHB and I live in PTA... so I don't see him during the week. He could tell from my voice this morning that there was something bothering me... and he wanted to know what it was... but I told him that we will speak on Saturday when I see him again.
Having this 'germ' involves so much more than just having it and looking after yourself... it affects every possible area of my life that I can possibly think of.

Thank you for being here!

Reply to Inc
Posted by: AMAZED | 2004/09/27

I wish that I knew a way of taking away all your pain, and offering you advice that would work but unfortuanatley I dont have the answers for you.
You are so full of good advice and humour for everybody else and meantime your problems are getting bigger and bigger.
Its very easy for people to tell you to "tell him". I dont think that there is ever a right time and place for something like this. It sounds like your relationship is already getting intense so you should be telling him soon.
We all fear rejection, and it sounds like you have had more than your fair share, but somehow you have to build yourself up to tell him. If he does reject you then he is realy not worthy of you in the first place. Somewhere out there is a person for each and every one of us, that will accept us for who and what we are, I truly believe that. Tell him - maybe he is that person.

Reply to AMAZED
Posted by: Inc | 2004/09/27

Thank you KS...
I will approach it that way... I think that would be the easiest way to do it... man, I feel like so scared! I know that he's not worth my time if this doesn't work... but I'm so infatuated with him right now, that I'll be really sad if I do lose him... but better now than if I was too involved!

Reply to Inc
Posted by: KS | 2004/09/27


here's my two cents worth. This is the oldest trick in the book of men saying they are sterile, etc just to avoid using condoms.
Just tell him you are not willing to take the risk of another pregnancy and as such would rather not tempt fate. Also the fact that the relatioship is still new should count in your favour in that you can tell him you dont know him well enough to do it without a condom as there are a lot of disesases out there and you both need to protect yourself. watch his expeession when you tell him this and the way he reacts to this will determine how to handle this. I also read that even if you are posiitive you must still protect yourself from further reinfection, so there is no way you can think of doing it without protection. I am sure you know that.

My view is that if he is not interested in protecting himself - this should be a red flag and I would proceed with caution. I can understand your dillema and feel your pain. Hope this guy is mature enough and appreciates you, if not - it will be his loss. Chin up and good luck, girl.

Reply to KS
Posted by: Inc | 2004/09/27

I know that you are right... no, we haven't spoken about it... and the fact that he was willing to do the deed this weekend without protection, tells me how naive he is... I made all the excuses under the sun and felt really rotten for not having the guts to tell him... I'm feeling so down and out about this ... like I'm losing again and again, over and over all the time. I need to speak to him about this... I don't know how I'm going to do it.
No, I don't know his status and I doubt that he knows either.

Reply to Inc
Posted by: AMAZED | 2004/09/27

Hi Inc.
You know that you have to tell him. I dont know how or when but before you sleep with him you have to tell him.
If he wants you he will stick around.
I am sure that when you initially tell him he is going to be shocked, maybe even storm off, but once he sits down and thinks things through he will either come back to you or sorry to say it, reject you. I personally would rather be rejected now with a clear consiounce than be rejected by somebody that would hate me for keeping something so important back.
If you dont tell him before you sleep with him he is going to be realy annoyed at you for not giving him the chance to make his own mind up.
Have you talked about HIV? Do you know his status???

Reply to AMAZED

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