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Question
Posted by: Head-over-heals | 2003/03/04

What to do?

I have been married for 14 years to a very dominating, self-centred man. Now I have met someone at work who I have fell in love with (14 years older than me - although he doesn't look it). He makes me feel special and I'm nuts about him. He makes me feel alive and excited about doing new things. The problem is that he is also married, although he seldom sees his wife as he works away from home. He says he feels the same way about me - but what if he is just using me because I'm the prettiest and most popular woman at work? What if he is lying about his feelings? What if he won't leave his wife for me? What if I make a mistake by leaving my husband for him? Can one feel so utterly attracted to someone in such a short time? I feel so uncertain - please help.

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Our expert says:
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Dear Head-Over-Heels ( a rather undignified posture !) ;
It is easy to form a quick infatuation like this --- when you meet someone who treats you in a way different than the way your spouse does, it may feel like a dream come true. We all enjoy having someone make us feel special --- why wouldn't we ? But be really cautious.
OK, you find your husband cominating and self-centred ; but you made a committment to him, and maybe the two of you can work things out if you work on persuading him to join you in some marriage counselling to identify and solve the problems in your relationship.
Can you trust this new guy ? hard to tell, isn't it ? He's working away from home, and if he wanted to simply use you, for his own enjoyment of your attractivenes--- well, he'd probably say much the same as he has been saying, wouldn't he ? In the sitation you are describing, he is cheating on his wife and encouraging you to cheat on your husband --- hardly convincing evidence that he's ttally trustworthy and honourable, is it ? If he can enjoy a relationship with you, wh would be leave his wife ?
And you used the right word "attracted" to him --- one can easily get attracted to someone, for many reasons, many of them bad ones. That's not the same thing as love.

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