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Question
Posted by: blu | 2003/03/18

what should i do about my mother

hi, I need your advise. I am almost 20 years old and have been out school for 2 years now. The problem is my mother. She still treats me as though i were sixteen and not at all like an adult capable of making my own decisions. A few years ago her over protectivness and degrading remark made me consider suicide. I really dont want to get to that stage again but she is making me so unhappy. I hate living at home and just wish i could move out. My mom seems to think however that i have to 21 for it to be legal. She is also hypocritical and wouldn't let me house sit 5min away for a friend but was quite willing to let me go to England at the beginning of the year. She treats me as though i wouldnt survive 2 min in the "real world" but she doesnt even give me chance to take little steps in that direction first. What is her problem? I feel like im a prisoner in my own home. I cant talk to my mom because she always shouts me down. Ive tried everything and she doesnt want to listen to anything i say. I cant stand it anymore! What can i do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Check on the issue of "legality" -- I rather doubt that at your age she'd have much success in applying legal sanctions if you moved out -- especially if you were behaving responsibly, either a student or working, and staying in a decent place you could afford, or sharing with other young women. And what about going to England ?
Some parents, especially moms, find it excessively difficult to let go, and to allow their children to become independent ; and by being over-protective, instead of making your life safer, may actually endanger it by not allowing you to get enough experience at personal autonomy and responsibility.
What do other readers think ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Captured Angel | 2003/03/19

Remember one thing - you won't be almost 20 forever. 21 is just around the corner and so, if all your efforts are ignored you have the option to leave (legally in your mom's eyes). So, don't ever contemplate suicide over something which will only really be a problem for a very short time in the bigger scheme of things. It's always a difficult time when parents have to learn to let go, and their teenagers want their independence. Teenagers also expect their parents to treat them like adults and then occasionally they do un adult like things. I think there are lots of people your age who experience similar frustrations to what you have.
Remember also, that moms just KNOW things sometimes. They do have the uncanny ability to smell danger and often make seemingly illogical decisions, but always remember they do it out of love and protection.
Talking about things is always the best bet at the end of the day, so perhaps you should sit her down with some tea that you make for her, tell her how important her approval is to you, and how much you want to be the best daughter for her, and then tell her how much you need to do certain things. Tell her how her remarks and behaviours make you feel and maybe it will help her. (You have nothing to lose by doing this) Don't try do this while you are angry though.

Reply to Captured Angel
Posted by: mm | 2003/03/19

wees bly dat jy nog ouers het. 'n ma wat omgee. Die dag as sy nie meer daar is nie, dan eers sal jy besef wat jy verloor het. Wanneer jy eendag self 'n ouer is, sal jy ook tot die besef kom dat jou kinders jou lewe is en jy net die beste vir hulle wil hê. Ek praat nie jou ma se optredes goed nie, al wat ek sê is waardeer haar terwyl sy nog daar is. Probeer dinge met haar uitpraat, maar wees die minste. sy is en sal altyd jou ma wees.

Reply to mm

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