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Question
Posted by: Ney | 2006/10/27

What should I do?

My fiance and I are getting married in February and we have a six month old baby. Recently, he has been so insecure and inadequate about himself, and accusing me of not respecting him coz I have money and I pay all the bills etc. He has serious money problems, and I m sinking in debts coz of loans I ve been taking loans trying to cover up for him. Nevertherless, I m paying back those loans others they have a maturity period of 5 years. We have 2 houses both of whom I m paying the bond for, a car , baby actually everything. I never had a problem with this. Everytime I dont act the way he expect me to, he tells me I dont have any respect for him coz he dont have money, I m paying the bills etc.

This thing is starting to affect me, as he is using valgour language when he is upset. After that he will say"' How do you expect me to do this and this if u dont give me money'', why is he not asking nicely than to be rude. Y/day he came back midnight drunk, started to insult me saying he is leaving my house and start his life elsewhere as he dont have money to contribute towards our household, I dont respect him etc. I honestly try to do everything to be there for him, respect him but at times I feel he is manipulating me.

I dont even know what to do with the wedding as I was busy with the preparaions? I suggested we keep the wedding on hold until he sort his money problems, as I think they might contribute to his frustrations but he dont want to. I m also paying everything towards wedding expenses and at times I feel heavy. Marriage counselling is not even an option as he dont want even to go through that route.

I honestly dont know what to do???

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Shouldn't you two solve the money problems BEFORE the marriage ? And don't you need good financial and legal advice before taking on the debts of a man who can't manage money and runs up large debts he can't cope with ?
And he has the cheek to complain that You don't respect HIM, because you're paying all the bills ? How about HIm respecting You because YOU are paying HIS debts and tidying up his messes ? ( And why, by the way, do you have two houses when you're in debt ? )
If he so badly wants to be respected, why doesn't he bother to act like a real man, worthy of respect ?he should try to Deserve it, not to demand it. From the sound of it, he IS manipulating you and using you, and doesn't appreciate it. Why isbn't he working to pay off his debts, instead of just getting drunk ? Pressing ahead with the wedding is not a great idea. And if he can't be bothered to join you in marriage counselling --- is there anything he CAn be bother to do, other than sponging on you ? He has zero investment in the marriage, nothing financial o emotional. Move on, you deserve more

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: kat | 2006/10/27

sell one of the houses pay off all the debt, he must go for counseling coz he has a drinking problem and he has to pay at least half of the bills, keep your finances completely seperate and hold him responsible for his things. you pay your bond and make sure that your name cant get stuffed coz of him. as mine has been. and you dont marry him until this is sorted coz it will only get worse. you are making it too easy for him to sponge of you.

Reply to kat
Posted by: Echelle | 2006/10/27

You have to pay for everything and he's using some of the money for alcohol?! You really need to get out of this, otherwise it will turn out ugly!

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: D | 2006/10/27


Hi Ney

Ever hear of the saying:
He that bit the hand that feeds him, may like the boot that kick him.

I honestly feel a man should still be the man, taking most responsblilities.

A friend of mine, was actually in the same situation were she pay for everthing for the wedding, and they were only mmarried for 3 months and got divorce, cause the hubby was a finanical burden.

He was only with her for the financial serurity.

I believe that a man should invest in his future, ( paying for the wedding)
Things I've seen, if a guy dont pay for the wedding, he doesnt now how if feel to sweat for money, and In the long run will not just give up his marriage.

I my case, my husband had to sell his car, to pay for the wedding, see, I dont come from a poor family and could have easily pay for the wedding, BUT FOR ME, IT WAS THE PRICIPAL BEHIND THE WHOLE THING.
Only a months ago did we brought a car again. after being without a car for 10 months

Believe me my husband will never work out of our marriage as he has invest, sacrific way to much.

I would suggest that you put the marriage on hold until ha has sort himself out finanically. Let him do the honourable thing and pay for his wedding. If you family know that you are paying for everything, changes of them respecting him are very slim.

Regards
D



Reply to D

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