Posted by: nono | 2009/02/08

what now?

whilst living with my partner last year, he cheated by getting someon pregnant. he apologised and i forgave him. we got married in dec. this woman knew i was in the picture so she laid low after hubby told her to get a paternity test due to rumours about her , he is not sure its his. 4 months after the baby is born, she is now sending sms, why he doesnt take care of his baby. he has never seen the child and has never given anything to the child despite my asking him to do so, he says he wants to be sure that it is his then he will gladly take care of her.<br><br>friday, the lady agreed to a test, what i want to know is after the test, and some how i just feel its his, how should the contact between all be.<br>i think i blocked this and dont think i totally forgave cause i find my self hurting, jealosu and angry.<br> he has not shown any signs of cheating, we have been okay and he is trying to involve me though it is uncomfortable for me and worse we stay in the same town with this lady.<br><br>i know its sounds crazy but i think i will be fine if i get pregnant which has not happened for the past 15months..<br>anyone been in such a dillema and survived?<br><br>PS: not looking for critsism but uplifting and good advice<br><br><br>

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Our expert says:
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I don't see any reason why you should be in any hurry to forgive a guy who acted so selfishly and stupidly. It is not your duty to forgive, but your option.
Establishing paternity needs tests on him and the baby, and maybe the mother, too. If there are reasons for doubt that he fathered this child, it's entirely reasonable for him to insist on tests before providing support. And it would be unreasonable for her to refuse. The tests should be done, and the results declared to him and to you, as you are obviously an interested party. If he is NOT the father, he should cut off all contact with her from here on.
If he is the father he has a legal and moral duty to provide support and maintenance for the child, and this might involve a minimal amount of access to the mother to makenecessary arrangements ; similarly if he wants to keep contact with the child.
Either way, don't rush to marry him and to assume that he will be faithful from here on, whatever he says. ake your time, and consider his actions now and latr, before re-assessing that idea

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Our users say:
Posted by: Phew !! | 2009/02/09

Boy, you must have big heart ! I just cannot imagine forgiving someone who pulled that dirty number on me. That is a complete and utter deal breaker. Sad to say, he will always be a cheater and you can never trust him I am afraid. I don' t understand you saying he does not show signs of cheating? How would you know if he was cheating if you never picked it up when he WAS cheating I am not judging you, simply saying how I would react. Some advice, not necessairly uplifting but... For starters, establish paternity once and for all. You mention SHE must take the test ? Surely its HE who must take the test ? If its your husbands'  baby he must do the decent and manly thing and acknowledge it and support the child properly. I think you will feel let down, disrespected and suspicious for as long as you are with him while he supports the child. Lets hope its not he who is the father, but the cheating side ??? I would not be able to handle that. Good luck anyway.

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