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Question
Posted by: Susie | 2004/11/03

What now?!

Dear Doc,

I divorced my husband of 20 years in 1997. He is a drinker and I suspected him of having affairs at that time. After the divorce he lived with a woman for 5 years. I have lived with another man for 3 years. During the cause of this year we have both left our respective partners and we are living alone. Last night my ex husband phoned me to say that he has always loved me and always will, and that we should be together. He swears that he has never had any affairs and he has cut down on the drinking.

I don't know what to do. I still have feelings for him, but I am not madly in love with him right now. I feel sorry for him, as he is very lonely, plus he was retrenched in April this year and at 59 it is not easy to find another job. He says he feels useless. He has always been a hard worker. He really is a good man and a wonderful father to our daughters, but for his drinking problem.....

I am enjoying my new found freedom right now and I don't know if we should get together again. I am so scared of being hurt again. On the other hand I can see that he needs me. I told him to give me some time, as my 3 year relationship has left me emotionally dead right now. I am so confused, what should I do?

Thank you for your time.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Xutting down on the drinking is rarely enough. And while it's appropriate and kindly to feel sympathetic, pity isn't a good basis for renewing the relationship. $iren's points are really important to consider. This sounds like maybe at best a reason to be encouraging, and to encourage him to work on these problems himself, but not to take him back.

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Our users say:
Posted by: $iren | 2004/11/03

Are all the reason's you divorced not still relevant? Why would you want to go back there again? Why would it work magically this time round? Maybe its time to go forward and not backwards to where you were...

Does he love you? Or is he just looking for someone to look after him and pay his bills?

Why are his wants and needs more important than yours? You are enjoying your freedom so why should you have to sacrifice what you enjoy?

If you decide to let him back in your life make sure that you make him give up alcohol, or else no deal. Cutting back isn't good enough.

Reply to $iren

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