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Question
Posted by: Temba | 2007/06/13

What kind of man he was?Too gud 2 b true

My girlfriend says that she and her ex didn’t fight or had an argument for the whole 12 months they were together .So she is basically expecting more or less the same from me. I see this as a way of comparing me with her ex. Sometimes it bugs me because I try my hardest to mimic her ex and avoid fights and arguments and I feel bad every time we have a fight.

The sad thing is, during this time they were together, the ex had a wife. The guy made sure that my girlfriend never knew about it. Then one day my girlie found out that the guy is actually married. The guy defended himself by saying that during all this time, he was trying to divorce her wife so he could marry her(my girlie).But they broke up nevertheless

One wise man says: “if there is never conflict, then one of you is not necessary”. I think their relationship seemed too good to be true. He knew what he was up to.

This really drives me nuts because this guy’s name would pitch up every now and then in our conversations. And I think I will leave her one day and maybe let her get back together with this CHEATER, Mr Perfect boyfriend.

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Our expert says:
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Your gf must have had a rather boring relationship, witho someone who probably wasn't much into her. after all, he's her EX, and not her current bf. If he was that marvellous, and their relationship was so perfect, why is he an Ex ? And he was married, cheating on his wife, and lying to your gf --- and she thinks that he was a marvellous guy ? How lucky she is that you are not as marvellous as he was. Tell her, if she's dissatisfied with you, she's very free to move on. But Single Mom very ably suggests a nice way to handle this.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Single Mom | 2007/06/14

Yes, now this does sound hectic, so sorry.

Please talk to her, not in an accusing tone though, about everything. ask her and read her face when she answers that "does she really love you and want you in her life or is she just passing time".

And then tell her you love her and that you really wish for this to work only if you guys work together, you can take a donkey to the river but....! axactly.

It takes two honest people to make a relationship work but if one is off, what are the chances?

And I note you just see note only her faults, it seems you are full or resentment for her. Justifable so I guess, but you must be clearminded/feelings to find a solution.

Some off time with only your thoughts and feelings alone will do then once you really know what you need from this union, go to her and tell her. Thats it! at the end of the day you come first to you, the next person comes second.

Reply to Single Mom
Posted by: Temba | 2007/06/13

SINGLE MOM, what really breaks my heart was that , one night in april we had a fight and the next morning at work she called her ex just to use him as a "make feel better tool". I never knew about that and until i found out about a month later all by myself.

it means she was not going to tell me had i not discovered it.i value honesty in a relationship.she seems not the honest type.

Reply to Temba
Posted by: Single Mom | 2007/06/13

I agree, but love is a gift and we at times stumble and believe, trust, do or say wrong things while in it, like your girlfriend.

But if we are covered/loved by people who have the greatest amount of patience and love for us we eventually get it right.

Good luck and please do not give up.

Reply to Single Mom
Posted by: Temba | 2007/06/13

SINGLE MOM i like your response especially the last paragraph.She likes telling me that her ex said to her that SHE WOULD NEVER AGAIN FIND A PERFECT GUY LIKE HIM.she somehow believes what her ex said.she's rather naive.

Reply to Temba
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/06/13

Single Mom - he will forget the ex when she stop mentioning the ex!

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: SINGLE MOM | 2007/06/13

You sound petty and insecure allthough your anger might be justified.

Accept what they had but truly make it clear to her it hurts you when she talks about him or make references about him and you yourself have to stop trying to make yourself him to make her more into you.

It is obvious she's still hung up on him, give her that space to let him go and when she feels she's fully ready she can then give you a call because hey you love her don't you?

Ex's are always a hot topic especially if the break-up was just recent and some space will do the right thing if not through heart to heart talking. Talking and I don't mean one where your standing up or after making love but one when she's in your chest and she really really tells you how she feels and what kind of help she will need from you to help her heal/even move on and trust a men again(which will then be you) and really forget about that toxic relationship. Yes it was not your fault but you love her and possible she loves you too.

Anger, resent, competititons and regrets are all toxic and will end up being the cause of your breakk-up, solve all these by being humble and showing your love for her. Forget the ex.

Women need being listened TO, being then understood, being carried by the hand and showed true love...Think about it.

Reply to SINGLE MOM
Posted by: RMC | 2007/06/13

tell her that she can go and have her little Mr Right if that is what she wants - of course he is going to be like that if he is guilty.

It is very cruel and wrong of her to think that everything must be moonshine and roses. It's real love that stands the tests when the lights are cut and the car won't start - fight and disagree but then deal with it.

Does she think that means you have to do just what she wants?

Reply to RMC

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