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Question
Posted by: Me | 2004/11/24

What kind of a relationship do I have?

I am really confused at the moment and don't know what to do. Yesterday my boyfriends PA gave me his Laptop to give to him because he was out at a meeting and she was going to lock the office when she went home. Lately he has been getting text messages form this girl and he claims that she is only his friend. And he told me that she has been sending him emails. So curiosity got the better of me and I decided to look at his emails on his laptop. I found out that there are emails from this girl dating back from 2002 saying that she loves him and misses him. And the most recent email he got from her is her asking him why he is not replying to any of her emails or texts. So I was happy to find out that he is ignoring her. But I found that he still has all his emails that he has sent to his ex-girlfriend. They broke up in May this year. He broke up with her coz he did not love her. But why does he keep those emails as well as one he has sent to other girls he has been with. I confronted him about it and he got cross saying that I invaded his privacy and I had no right to go through his stuff. He said that he is allowed to have memories of his past. Oh course he can have memories but why keep stuff to remind him? He got so cross about me going through his stuff that he actually grabbed me by the neck and threw me across the room. He then realised what he did and could not stop apologising. I know that I should not have gone through his stuff but was it any reason to hurt me? I am engaged to this guy and going to be his wife one day but how can he keep all stuff from his past? I told him that he would not have been cross if he did not have anything to hide from me. Why does he say he loves me and still hurts me. Why does he keep stuff from his past. When he asked me to move in with him, his ex-girlfriends stuff was still in the house? I don't know what to do!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some people keep old love letters, not as a sign of present love, but as a rememberance of what once happened. And you DID seriously invade his privacy ; I'm sure you would be outraged if he had done the equivalent. You hurt him. Of course physical violence is bad, but don't inflate it's importance. Have you given him all your old diaries and correspondence to read ? I'm with $iren and Ms Thang on this one.

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Our users say:
Posted by: begtodiffer | 2004/11/25

I beg to differ with all of you guys, I suppose it depends on the kind of a relationship that you have. If it is meant to be open and honest then it should not be a problem me going through his stuff because he should not be having anything to hide right, and of course, he is most welcome to do same if he so wishes. For me this would give me piece of mind. In actual fact I find that even though am supposed to be having an open relationship with my b/f I find the stuff that I found through my 'own' research' has been so much of an eye-opener that I discovered that he really is not the person that he potrays himslef to be. He is a liar and a cheat. Now these I would not have found out had I not taken the initiative, I would still be in an illusive relationship which would bacfkfire one day on my face. Yes, I made a decision to stay, maybe I'm stupid but I don't think it will be for longand at least I do know who I'm dealing with and yes there could be more stuff I do not know about him still but guess what these would not really come as much of a suprise as they would had I not probed. Yes it is quite hurtful to discover that the person you're with is not what you think he is, but at least you get to know and it enables you to make an informed decision. That's just my 2c's worth.......

Reply to begtodiffer
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/11/24

You have a relationship of disrespect and mistrust - you don't respect his privacy and you don't trust him at all.

There is nothing wrong with keeping corresponcence from previous relationships - it was part of his life and does not have to be erased from his memory because he has a relationship with someone new. It is childish and a sign of insecurity to even expect him to do so.

If you cannot deal with your insecurity and mistrust you might soon find yourself to be one of his memories of the past. Does he expect you to erase all evidence of your previous relationships? I doubt it because he trust you and is more mature than you.

You should apologise to him for invading his privacy and for not trusting him. It is actions like yours that force people to hide things from their partners.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: P | 2004/11/24

Stem saam met Mona, ons almal sal kwaad wees as iemand in ons goed krap.

Maar, ek hou nie korrspondensie uit 'n vorige verhoudinge nie, behalwe as ek dit nog koester, goed voel en verlang na die persone.

Reply to P
Posted by: Mona | 2004/11/24

Okay, firstly you shouldnt have gone through his things, but he gave you reason to.... i suppose i would have done the same if i was suspecting something.... its not like you only did it because you were bored. And it doesnt matter what you did, it DOES NOT deserve being grabbed by the neck and thrown on the floor, if he can do that to you after reading his email, imagine what he will do to you in a serious confrontation!!

The past is the past, why does he need stuff to remind him of the past? Surely he has to now live for the feature with you, build new memories with you, he should take your feelings into consideration, and get rid of all the emails.

Reply to Mona
Posted by: Ms Thang | 2004/11/24

Maybe he just doesn't like organizing his admin so much.

Or for all you know, he just doesn't feel like deleting people out of his life just so. To me, this just means that he values people and gets deeply involved. You are lucky that it has been confirmed to you that he is commited to his relationship with you.

You need to apologise and mean it. His mails is his private storage space and how can you feel offended about feeling hurt after you have snooped around in his things. You are really lucky that he kept you up to speed on the entire saga with him receiving mails from her etc.

I am sure he will feel bad about grabbing you and he will certainly apologise. You seem to feel a bit threatened and in my opinion, you do not need to feel that way.

Good luck and thank your stars for an honest man!

Reply to Ms Thang
Posted by: $iren | 2004/11/24

Everyone is entitled to their privacy, and to keep certain things to themselves. I would be just as furious as he was if someone read my emails. I have emails from years ago from exes. To me its not only memories but a journal of sorts. Some people like to keep that stuff, it doesn't mean I still love those guys or want them back. Hell I still have the first love letter I got years ago, should I throw that away because I'm with someone else now? If you don't trust or believe in him or accept him as he is, don't go through his things, rather leave him. Sorry but I am with him on this.

Reply to $iren

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