Posted by: Hurt and in pain | 2008/10/05

What is wrong with me

I have been in an on and off relationship with a man for the last eight years. I love him very much and cant really bear being with out him. The problem is he does not think much of me. We do not live together and it is always I cant commit because I break the relationship off regularly. The reason I do this is because on numerous occasions after I had left him he had his profile on a dating site which I find degrading and insulting. For awhile he lied about it and told me it was in my head then it was ok and did not mean anything then I was a spy and had no right to spy on him. I visit websites and he also has the right to visit sites without being controlled was his answer. I don’ t advertise that I am single and waiting other people. I have always been faithful to him because I loved him so much. I accept the not living together and holidays always alone. The thing I find difficult is he gets irrational and accuses me of things I don’ t do. He sends me an sms when I respond after he tells me phone is going off and I say ok i believe in acknowledging people I am a spy. If I go out I am dating and a whore. I have a female friend who is a bit butch now he is runing around joburg telling everyone I am a lesbian. When calls me a whore I tell him its not ok and then try and leave him. He never lets me go finds a reason to see me. He does not ever communicate and blocks channels iof communication. I am so frustrated because I am never allowed to tell him what I feel I try and sms it and leave voice messages because i have to get it off my chest because I am so hurt and feeling angry. He tells me I am nuts. All I want is for him to tell me I matter and if I don’ t then to let me go and not play with me. He twists it around that I am playing him and controlling. I never was the one dating. I am upfront with him. I have stopped wanting to get married and live together because I am happy just to be with him. I am crazy about him. I just cant stand the date clubs which he says he has stopped because the women are disgusting not because of me. Thanks, so I don’ t mean anything. Why does he not leave me alone when I try and get away from him. I cant stand his senseless accusations for nonsense There is always a drama. He knows I am insecure. All I want is for him to tell me I matter that he loves me. Even if he doesn’ t to be a bit sensitive and not throw other women in my face all the time. We had a situation yesterday and maybe I am in the wrong. We went out for coffee he had been with a friend' s wife' s friend for lunch. He never sees me on a Saturday afternoon but suddenly he wanted to get together. He told me that it was a date and at least he was honest. Then I asked where do I stand he told me that they are only friends and he had arranged for the three of us to go out for dinner after movies which he had asked me to book the previous day and now because of my behavior he would not be comfortable around her and I had no right to do this to him and must take my words back. I commented that she is always calling because she is interested in him and he claimed they are only friends and he won’ t give up friends for me or be controlled. I never asked him to give her up but not to see her when with me and not to throw her in my face. I don’ t want to know when he goes out with her. We got into a discussion about my so called lying two weeks before he told me I made it appear as if I was going to be in a movie that would last all night. I never did that. He asked me where I was I told him and he asked me if I wanted to see him afterwards to which I replied no not after attacking me for spying when I had responded to his sms. Then it was I was on a date and a whore. I was alone I left the ticket under his door the issue was that I made it look like I was busy all night. I was hurt after being attacked. He can never discuss anything it drives me mad. I cant stand his calling me a whore over nothing. He never comes with me anywhere when I ask and when I don’ t I don’ t want to include him and when I do tell him I am going out I am always on a date which is nonsense I don’ t date. I only have ever wanted him. I cant stand being accused of being a whore, I have always been a one man woman everyone that knows me knows this. I cant be with him because he tells me he doesn’ t love me I am good for nothing. He insults my religion and makes disgusting comments about people of my faith and I am one of them. He is of the same religion as me. I hate being attacked and he tells me it is my hormones and I decide whether we are going to have a nice day or not. He recons I must be ok to be told he is on a date I mustn’ t say anything must be nice to be a loving woman. When my man tells me he is on a date it upsets me. I don’ t mind him having friends but he needs not to make jokes about it being a date. He knows I am insecure because he always tells me if I don’ t do this or that he will sleep with other women. How can I not feel insecure? How can I not react when someone attacks me for spying or tells me I am a liar for not using the right words or calls me a whore for going to my family or to a movie alone. If I have female friends I am a lesbian. I need to learn to be calm and not react. How do I stop being insecure and feeling threatened and unloved? I do run after him trying to communicate and he blocks me off so it is to no avail. I find once I have smsed I can walk away. I am just getting ok then he is back it usually lasts a couple of weeks then it is the same pattern. It is as though he gets stressed and then becomes irrational. He attacks me over carrying a plate to the table I am controlling, I book to go away for a weekend and I am manipulative and controlling, I wash a dish and I am taking control, I wear perfume and I stink and am a whore. I ask him to stop with the whore calling and he tells me he never does this. I had phone full of this. How do I stop reacting and be a nice loving woman that is worth something that he will love me. What am I doing wrong. I cant bear being without him I just get so hurt and want to run away.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If he really doesn't like you all that much, this is surely a rather hopeless crush on your side, and not likely to become a satisfying relationship ? His behavior as you describe it would be unfaithful if he DID insist he loves you and is devoted to you ; but if he really isnt that much into you, its entirely understandable. Why do you persist in such an unequal relationship, presumably ignoring other opportunities along the way ? NOthing you say about this relationship suggests anything hopeful or loving o his side. Rather see a counsellor and work towards bgetting over him and moving on to someone who likes you as much as you like him

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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