advertisement
Question
Posted by: Peggy | 2011/09/05

What is the best way to discipline this child without hurting her

She just turned 13 it is her last year at primary going to high school next year. I do not work far from school so I drop her off in the morning and just arranged transport for her in the afternoon. She complains that the transport collect her early immediately after 14:00 and she does not get enough time to be with her friends so she suggested that it is better if I fetch her. I tried that and didn’ t work. I knock off at 16:30 and by the time I get to school is 17:00. I cannot risk her safety just for her to be with her friends. Today at around 14:30 I got a call from her friend telling me my daughter had an ashma attack and her teacher suggested that she should go at her friend’ s house and I will get her there. I doubted their story since I know very well that the teacher would have called me instead of sending a friend to make that call. I figured that they lied to me. I called the transport and fortunately he was still at school so he personally went in the yard to get her of which he found her playing.
What is the best way to discipline this child without hurting her. Please advice

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe she thought she could get away with it, but its rather insulting to you to have assumed that.
There's of course no need to hurt her, and that wouldn't be useful anyway. She needs to sit down for a long serious talking with. Explain that because she has lied in such a serious way, you now don't know when it is safe to believe her. And by pretending to have a medical emergency, she has made it hard to know whether she's really in trouble or just pretending ( maybe tell her the old folk story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf - sometime she might have an attack of bad health and nobody might believe her ).
Also she needs to understand that playing with her friends is important and nice, but NOT more important than her safety or even your convenience.
As Anon says, she needs to learn that when you do bad things for selfish reasons, there are consequences. In future she will go home earlier when it happens to suit you, and not when she fancies. She spends time with her friends when at school, and can plan WITH YOU to visit them or have them visit her, on the weekends.
Again, as Anon says, be firm, but not angry.
And for penalties, I am one of those who don't recommend hidings - they're too emotionally satisfying for some parents, and they teach the child that it is OK, if you're powerful enough, to use violence against others to get what you want - and surely that is not what we'd want her to learn.
But yes, grounding with chores at home for a week or two, and at least a week of no cellphone. These days, most kids seem as though they would rather be dipped in boiling oil than be without the cell-phone for even a day. So, as a suitable punishment, that is probably the only real advantage to children having cell-phones.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

9
Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2011/09/06

I got hidings often from both my parents and I never hated them once. They always explained what I did wrong and why they are giving me a hiding.
It made me a stronger person and I am gratefull for the discipline I received. I have the greatest respect for others and I believe it comes from the discipline I received from my parents.
I did the same with all my children and the same applies.
There is a huge difference between a " cicilised"  hiding and a beating !!

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Hannah | 2011/09/06

K, I have to say that while I don’ t dispute how you feel towards your parents, try understand from their side too (if they were giving you hidings for proper reasons). Imagine how difficult it is for a parent to discipline their child in ANY way, to see them crying because they are being punished, to bear the brunt of their anger because you are discipline them…  it must be torture on a parent to see their children unhappy, even if it is for a good reason. My parents give us hidings but today I look up to them because I know they had to be cruel to be kind and I thank them, actually. My husbands sister was NEVER disciplined, and today she is on drugs, is physically violent and is mean to everyone- something that could have been avoided if her parents thought to give her a hiding every now and again instead of just trying to talk to her and quite frankly not actually punishing her. Not all kids will end up like that, but if the lie is serious, the discipline has to be serious.

Reply to Hannah
Posted by: Peggy | 2011/09/06

Thank you all for your advises I just wanted to inform you that I spoke to her and I did not shout or scream at her hopefully she understood my point and will no do it again

Reply to Peggy
Posted by: Soul | 2011/09/06

You need to have a serious chat with your daughter and inform her that you will be discussing this matter with her teacher in her presents, she would not likely want that and will tell you the truth that there wasn''t a health issue.

Since her friend was involved in this you should also inform her that she is grounded from spending time with her friend as she is a bad influence on her, that both your daughter and her friend have broken your trust in them. That should make her think before she decides to lie to you.

This is not the time to be your daughters friend you are her mother and she is your daughter and she needs to respect that, you will have plenty of time when she''s an adult to become more than just mother and daughter but have a special relationship with her a closeness that you can share, but until you are the mom and more than likely she''ll see you as the bad person but one day she''ll thank you.

Good luck

Reply to Soul
Posted by: K | 2011/09/06

I lost a bit of respect for my parents every time I was hit. Not sure if that was their intention.

Time-outs and removal of perks is the civilised way.

Hidings remind me a lot of the boorish two-tone ME stores -dressed twin-cabbed ''we are so brave, we hunt animals'' attitude prevalent in afrikaner society. No thanks. Give me the Swedish educated type anytime.

Reply to K
Posted by: Hannah | 2011/09/06

I have to agree with Anon. When we were kids, if we had done that we would have gotten a hiding. Too many people are into the whole “ no hiding”  thing and look at the youths of today- spoilt, ungrateful, barbaric brats. I’ m in no way saying that your daughter is a spoilt brat, she’ s 13 and this is the time of her life when the most important thing in her life are her friends, but like the others have said there must be boundaries. The week is for school and your daughter has to realize that. And for her to lie about such a serious thing needs serious action- does it matter if you hurt her now? Considering how she undermined your authority and hurt you no doubt by her lie? I’ m not saying hurt her physically if that’ s not your style of parenting, but the whole point of discipline is to hurt and humiliate your child so she WON’ T do it again. It’ s nasty, yes, but necessary.

Reply to Hannah
Posted by: K | 2011/09/05

grounded with plenty of housechores....and no cellphone and other electronic gadgets to play with.

no need to get violent.



Reply to K
Posted by: Anon | 2011/09/05

What kind of a fool does she take you for, telling you a half baked lie like that and expecting you to fall for it.

Put your foot down. She goes home with the transport and finished. No debates, no questions, no compromises. She has broken your trust and when you dont trust somebody there are consequences.

She is going to be upset, but, in order to teach her a life lesson there has to be consequences when you do things wrong. Do not worry about hurting her, she needs to learn, and you are not doing her any favours by being soft on her. If you are going to be soft, her wrongdoings will just get worse. You need to be firm with her without losing your rag about it and she must know that you will not stand for being lied to.

There needs to be a consequence for the lying. Maybe ground her, or no tv or something.

Personally, if this were my child, she would get a jolly good hiding, but I know people prefer psychologising their children these days and hidings are passe. Not in my house they arent, and while you live there, you know the boundaries. Step over them, and you will get punished.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/09/05

Maybe she thought she could get away with it, but its rather insulting to you to have assumed that.
There's of course no need to hurt her, and that wouldn't be useful anyway. She needs to sit down for a long serious talking with. Explain that because she has lied in such a serious way, you now don't know when it is safe to believe her. And by pretending to have a medical emergency, she has made it hard to know whether she's really in trouble or just pretending ( maybe tell her the old folk story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf - sometime she might have an attack of bad health and nobody might believe her ).
Also she needs to understand that playing with her friends is important and nice, but NOT more important than her safety or even your convenience.
As Anon says, she needs to learn that when you do bad things for selfish reasons, there are consequences. In future she will go home earlier when it happens to suit you, and not when she fancies. She spends time with her friends when at school, and can plan WITH YOU to visit them or have them visit her, on the weekends.
Again, as Anon says, be firm, but not angry.
And for penalties, I am one of those who don't recommend hidings - they're too emotionally satisfying for some parents, and they teach the child that it is OK, if you're powerful enough, to use violence against others to get what you want - and surely that is not what we'd want her to learn.
But yes, grounding with chores at home for a week or two, and at least a week of no cellphone. These days, most kids seem as though they would rather be dipped in boiling oil than be without the cell-phone for even a day. So, as a suitable punishment, that is probably the only real advantage to children having cell-phones.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement