Posted by: Speedy | 2005/12/01

What is abuse in a marriage (other than physical abuse)

my wife always says that i am abusive if i refuse to do something for her like not wanting to be extravagent. is this emotional abuse? is this abusing her?

if yes then are spouses not allowed to say "no"? or is it bad and abusive if it is a man that refuse?

my wife manages her money. she spends it as she feels. i gave up advising joined budgeting. it is just talk no action. she nevr transfer money. she just blow expenses of she out of proportion. she qoutes things she don't normally pay at end of each month.

she spend when and as she please. when things run out at home she does not talk normally to me she is already angry and made up her mind that i am not want to contribute. she yells and accuse me. i get offended and if i take a firm stand and draw a line and say i am not going to do that if she treat me that way. she calls me abuser.

who is abuser here,me or her? help cs

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Our expert says:
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Of course that is not abusive, and indeed she is abusing the word "abuse" for her own selfish purpopses, and insulting every victim of real abuse. She is Selfish , extravagent, foolish, and so on. Stop funding her selfishness. Put your foot down ( on your wallet ) and refuse to give her a cent unless you jointly draw up a plan for covering household expenses for both of you, taking into account what both of you earn. and she must pay her fair share of expenses before spending a cent on herself.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/12/02

hi there

i agree with cs posting ..... wise words

i once heard there is 5 levels of communications
i can't remember them all but basicly it starts from the acquintance to an soul mate

an acquintance beinf someone you say hello and see often - like the beggar on corner and the petrol attendant

an souls mate being someone who earned your trust and have your best interest at heart , a place you expience unconditial love and understading and share not only feelings but the impact and roots eg.. your wife should know how your experience and express certain emotions and how they effect you as a person - it takes a lot to be that open with someone - where there is no secrest and you feel emotionally safe to share your heart without fear of rejection

now ideally a marriage shoudl rate a 5 - i soul mate relasiosnhip but that involves a lot of hard work and communication - trust and respect should not even be an option but something that is there all the time

sorry i;m in a hurry to a meeting

hope it makes sense


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Speedy | 2005/12/01

Lady nina thank you for pointing out specially about possibility of being spiteful. thou would love to justiy, i now learnt to accept some of my weaknesses. thanx. if you can expand on communication and its levels. it is easy to say the solution is communication but at the end of day is about how. we communicate, we end up being defensive and disagreee and have two people in contention then obviously those wont hear each other. how do we communicate?

ALSO MARRIED: thank you. problem is after a spate of fights after failures on this i also have no faith in her and maybe her fells that way too. i will never see myself transfering a cent to her account. she incapable of handling funds. she accepts that but resist taking action. we can take decision but cant implement. she want live lavishly with no cotrol. that frustrate you.

of all people i agree with Waterblon in saying i allow her to abuse me. i feel disempowered to deal with her. maybe i am too kind and i feel taken for a ride and that angers me. how do i take a stand. communication fails. she does things to hurt. i resort to hold on to my money. she becomes sweet when desperate. on 25th of month she start calling me names after have took care of her while had no money. how do i put a stop to this. i am close to becoming violent and physically abusive. i do not want that. help me Waterblon and CS.

Reply to Speedy
Posted by: waterblom | 2005/12/01

she's abusing you and you are allowing it. Make adult agreements about money and stick to it.
Good luck.

Reply to waterblom
Posted by: Also married | 2005/12/01

I am also married to a man who likes to spoil me rotten! He also gets upset when I tell him that he should stop buying me expensive things. What we have done is: we have planned our future. We have compared our own personal goals and agreed on a plan as to how we will achieve them. You need to perhaps divide the expenses (depending if you are earning a LOT more then her or vice versa). My hubby and I simply calculate how much our expenses total to. Then I transfer what he needs into his account! Actually, there is so much trust that he has signing power on my accounts and does everything for me online! I don't have time for that nonsense and he has ALWAYS taken care of me. You are the man in the relationship and you should take a stand once in a while. Allocate money every month that you can spend lavishly on her and she must do the same for you! It's all about budget, respecting eachother and finding balance! Does that help answer your question? Anything else that I could advise on?

Reply to Also married
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/12/01

hi there

i don't think either are abusive maybe inconsiderate and spitefull and selfish at times

im sure as long as you treat each other wtih respect and trust you can work the problems out by communicating

communication has diffrent levels and can always get better

take care


Reply to lady nina

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