Posted by: Escape31 | 2004/11/16

What have I done to deserve this?

I need some proffesional advice please.... I have been married for 10 years, got married at the young age of 21 and have 2 beautiful children. I found out 11 months ago that my husband was having an affair. Today he is still keeping in touch with her even though he swears he doesn't see her at all. He does occassionaly get the opportunity to see her if he wanted to as he is in sales and frequently on the road. I packed my bags a few weeks ago and told him its over. I thought I would give it a last try as he really is a wonderful father to his kids, even though deep down I was afraid of going back. I found out recently he has still been in contact with her and he didn't deny it because he knows If I really want to I can check his phone accounts but in the same breath tells me they don't see each other. This is not the first time he has done this to me. I can probably name about 5 flings that he has had and that excludes the ones I don't know about. He has physically abused me and mentally abused me. Am I wrong for giving up? am I wrong for walking out? I keep holding on hoping he will change and "grow up" and I don't think he ever will. I don't believe a word he tells me anymore and I don't think I ever will again in my life. He has taken the last bit of self esteem that I have and pride and hurts me constantly. I think I deserve better, am I wrong for feeling this way?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Most of us don't deserve what we get, and don't get what we deserve. On balance, that's lucky for some, and unfortunate for others.
Sounds like he's doing a Bill Clinton ( remember President Clinton ? the lawyer who insisted he never had "sexual relations" with "that woman", bcause whatever sex he DID have with her, he didn't classify as "sexual relations". And it sounds as if your husband is insisting on claiming that he doesn't SEE this woman, as if he wears a blindfold, but apparently feeling free to be in contact with her by email, SMS, etc. And if there has ben abuse as well, who could blame you for giving up on him and leaving ? Some men never grow up, others barely manage it before reaching the Retirement Home. Of course you deserve better --- get a good lawyer, look after yourself and the children, and let him go on as he pleases.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Inc | 2004/11/16

Escape31... you have been really brave to hold on like this... but it's time to let go. Your hubby sees that he gets away with all this and that is why he continues. I am really sorry... I know how much pain this kind of situation inflicts on you... but you have a precious life to think about... yours!
Pray and be strong... your path will open up before you.
God bless.

Reply to Inc
Posted by: Been there | 2004/11/16

I stayed in a marriage for almost 20 years with a man exactly like the one you me, they don't change, they don't "grow up". He eventually left me for his last fling, and I am now left to repent the lost years at leisure. Leave him before he uses up more years of your life; staying with a man like that is not worth it.

Reply to Been there
Posted by: Escape31 | 2004/11/16

Thank you HS and to the rest of you that replied, I value your thoughts. Mona he swore on his childrens lives that he would never phone or see her again. He told me he would phone her infront of me and being the soft, kind soul I am, I thought I would not embarrass him, only to find out he still speaks to her regularly. DH as you mentioned he is not satisfied with me, I agree with you there. Reason being I feel like I am continuously been compared to the other woman. He find fault in everything I say and do, nothing is good enough anymore. I do think the reason he doesn't want out is cause he is in this comfy zone of coming home to a clean house and I also work. Dinner done kids bathed, washing and ironing done. His living the life of a married batchelor and I refuse to sit at home while his out enjoying life. I need to find someone who will appreciate and love me for who "I" am not for what his girlfriend is and I'm not.

Reply to Escape31
Posted by: Celebrity | 2004/11/16

We teach people how to treat us!! He has done this a number of times and you kept on going back. Its time to show him you will not tolerate this anymore.

All the best!

Reply to Celebrity
Posted by: Mona | 2004/11/16

The trust was broken, and that is very very difficult to repair. Tell him to tell her (in front of you) to get lost, or you are moving out.

Reply to Mona
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/11/16

hi there

you deserve better and need to end this ....


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: HS | 2004/11/16

Escape31, Dearest woman!
Really, you are not wrong. He's not satisfied with you, simple fact of life. And here's another one - You're not satisfied with him either, his behaviour is hurtful and despicable and he's using you to look after kids and take care of the home while he entertains other women.
No, not you. You're worth so much more than he can ever give you. You need to leave him before he totally destroys you.
It's NOT easy, but it needs to be done - and NOW.
Get your life back on track before he wastes anymoremore of it. he has wasted your time, great his a good father. That's at least a good thing, but not a goiod husband. So let him be what he's good at and let him still see his kiddies, but stop him from hurting and devstating you anymore.
Today is your day to take back what you deserve - your life, lived to the fullest and happiest!! Difficult, but challenging, and never impossible.

Reply to HS

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