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Question
Posted by: Liza | 2004/12/07

What have I done?

This is really hard to admit - even to strangers (but because all of the regulars here don't seem like strangers anymore).

A week and 1/2 ago I had a medical abortion. First of all my medication would have caused havoc with a baby plus I was just at the point of stabilizing. Now I feel that I need to get it all out. At the time, I broke up with my boyfriend because I just felt so guilty looking him in the face and telling him the truth. Today I purposely picked a fight with him - then realized that I was just trying to make myself feel less guilty about what happened, so I apologized and told him that I just felt guilty about something and was taking it out on him. He wanted to know why - so I sms'ed him about what happened. BTW His cellphone is at home today, so he still hasn't received the sms. And no - I wasn't really being irresponsible, the condom just tore and I just didn't think about getting the morning-after pill.

Now I feel guilty about loading my problems onto him. Especially since he also suffers from depression - and epilepsy too.

Today I even caught myself counting what the due date would have been. I feel like crying my eyes out. The reasons why I, my psychiatrist as well as my gynaecologist came to the decision - although my gynae thought my boyfriend should be in on the decision too. Now I've just dumped it into his lap. He's going to be SO angry. I still have some of his stuff, and decided to rather just courier it to him instead of taking it to him.

All my pills caution against pregnancy and taking them whilst pregnant. Feel like I'm going nuts over here. The medical aid are even paying for this.

No-one else knows. I just had to get this out.
Thanks for listening.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi Liza,
I'm pleased you felt able to raise your concerns here. Be more understanding and forgiving towards yourself. You have tried to do the best you could in a difficult situation. The pregnancy wasn't your fault or his, but accidental. You made a decision that seemed to be the best option at the time, and with the advice of your psychiatrist and your gynae --- you could hadly have done more to be responsible and to try to find the best solution.
Personally, I think that abortions should be illegal UNLESS pre and post-abortion counselling is compulsorily included in the process --- it's just too important to be allowed to be neglected. And your psychiatrist, having advised this course of action, ought to be active in counselling and working with your concerns right now.
You did the best you could, except for not telling your bf who did need to know. Now he will find out. Give him a chance to think about this and to decide how he will respond. If he's at all a pleasant guy, he will probably be upset, but forgiving, given time. At least see how he responds over time, rather than assuming what he might say or do. Maybe add a second SMS to say, something like : " sorry for breaking this news by SMS, but I have been scared to talk to you about this. But once you've thought about this, I'll be pleased to talk with you, as I'm feeling terrible about this."



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Our users say:
Posted by: Inc | 2004/12/07

Liza
is there any possible way that you can intercept that cell phone and delete before he reads that message?
this is something that you should rather discuss with him in person. I'm so sorry for your predicament. I can't help but wonder if you were properly counselled?
Anyway... it's too late to reflect on what has been done now... nothing can change that... try not to be too hard on yourself. I can see the burden this has placed on you emotionally and I hope that you can come through this.
You need to get the help of a counsillor for this... thinking about you.

Reply to Inc
Posted by: blackbird | 2004/12/07

if you give him all the facts, as you and all of us know, are not made up facts but true pure medical facts, you might find to your surprize, he will be very supportive, and possibly be the best person for you at this stage of your life and mental state. hey you might find that he will not find anything wrong with it, and together you could carry this burden for a while and make it better together.

Else, we all will still be here tomorrow and long after that, cause a suicide is illegal on this forum, and secondly, my suit does'nt fit me anymore so i can go to funerals.

just a little note ...fate always gives you what you need not what you want ......

Reply to blackbird
Posted by: PARIS | 2004/12/07

Dont you think telling him some thing like this over an sms is rather impersonal? You didn't make this baby by yourself. You should have been open and honest with him from the very start regardless of your med's or your condition. As a father to be, he deserved to know.

You should have gotten preabortion councelling. Did you receive that? But post abortion must also be dealt with in Therapy. Its the best thing you can do. Perhaps when your ex finds the sms, you can talk it over properly like adults and even get into some therapy together.

Regards,

PARIS
XXX

Reply to PARIS

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