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Question
Posted by: ashamed | 2004/03/05

What have I done?

Dear Cyber Shrink

I went out with an old girl friend of mine last night. While I was waiting for her to arrive, I ran into an old high school friend. We ended up joining tables, and having a couple of drinks. We all eventually ended up going back to my place and had more drinks. One thing led to another, and we paired off, and then things got really out of hand. Next thing I knew he was on top of me, and I was asking him not to have sex with me and kept assuring me everything was ok. It was painful to say the least, and when I told him that he just carried on. Eventually I gave in and let him carry on. My body, especially the genital area, is terribly sore today... but I'm sitting with feelings of shame and guilt - I cheated on my boyfriend, and he cheated on his wife. I can't help but feel that had I been a stronger person, things wouldn't have gotten out of hand like this. I don't even know how I'm going to be able to look my boyfriend in the eyes when I see him again. I feel terrible! I told him not to come with last night because I probably wasn't going to stay long... but look what's happened now. What a mess I've gotten myself into...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Yep, it is a mess, and you recognize how easily it could have been avoided. Alcohol lowwers your inhibitions and removes any wisdom you might normally have -- so stop drinking so much ! A couple of drinks can feel nice, but much more than that and you're seriously at risk for making foolish decisions, or even iving up on decision-making altogether, which is what may have happened here. You are partly to blame, because you seem to have led him on, and agreed to go back to his place, drink too much, and allowed him to get started, before you began to say no. he is crtainly to blame for having taken advantage of your drunken state, and having ignored yhe fact that you did say no.
learn from this experience--- it will be realyl easy to avoid any repetition of it. yes, feeling guilty is uncomfortable --- it's supposed to be unpleasant, so that it will discourage us from being foolish again.
Be prepared to forgive yourself for having been foolish, and the sincerest form of regret is to learn to avoid repetition of the mistake.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shocked | 2004/03/05

I'm flabbergasted! In a country where we all moan about the current HIV/Aids stats and how the government is doing nothing about it....we don't even recognise rape when it slaps us in the face, and what do we do? We end up blaming the victim!
You're NOT to blame! Sure you got drunk, led him on, perhaps even pushed the boundaries.
But... "I was asking him not to have sex with me...he just carried on" ...when you say NO - he must hear NO and STOP! You asked him to stop, and if he didn't - *it was rape!*

Don't blame yourself for how he acted, because (hopefully) if it was someone else and you said stop - they would've. Because HE didn't stop, means the problem lies with HIM!

Please go seek advice from a friend, an elder or the police.

You should not have to deal with the guilt of being sexually unfaithful to your boyfriend when you were forced into it.

Good luck!

Reply to Shocked
Posted by: Me too | 2004/03/05

Hi there

This happened to me too last year in November. At least you remember what happened. After drinking a night before I woke up at this guy's bed which i did not remember how i got there. I couldn't ask him anything in the morning i was so ashamed, i took my things and left. I am still not sure what really happened but the only thing i know my genitals were sore seemingly i did sleep with him. I went to do an HIV test in December which came out negative, now i'm about to do another one at the end of March to be really sure.

I did not tell my bf this as he called me earlier feeling that i had too much to drink asking if he could ask someone to pick me up and take me home as he was out of town and i said no. I felt so guilty but am getting better now. I also prayed so much and i never touched alcohol again since that day and i'll never will, not ever again. You will get over it in time just dont rush yourself.

Reply to Me too
Posted by: Karin | 2004/03/05

One question...would you like to know if you boyfriend cheated on you? If not, hide it in a little black box in your brain and never open it.

Reply to Karin
Posted by: Kas | 2004/03/05

ashamed

First you must take responsibillity for your part in the story you did go out and you did have to much to drink and ended up alone with someone you havent seen in awhile, a similiar thing happened to me in my first year i was drank a guy got on top of me and pushed my hands over my head i cant really explain how powerless i felt i was very intoxicated and put myself in that posision but BOTTON LINE NO mean no means no, luckly for me we were in a room next to other people so i just said get off me get off me and lucky for me there were other ppl in the place whene he got of me l he still hold me the whole night i was terrified, I didnt know what to do i just layed there ...
I think that is what you experienced yes you were intoxicated but no he had no right to just climb on top of you and push and push you to be intimate i think later you were so scared you just gave up,
Its gonna be a hard road from here, but you must seek to talk to someone about this someone maybe who can give you professional help cause this :wound of self blame ashamedness etc can grow into a infection: which will effect your whole life,

1. Seek professional help
2. This bad thing did happen but now dont let it destroy the rest of your life learn from it and in the end let it make you a stronger person
3. Give up alcohol cause there really doesnt come anything good out of drinking esp now you will have to be careful not to try to drink the "feelings" away.
4. everyone is human and we all make mistakes God will not judge you so dont judge yourself.

Reply to Kas
Posted by: Romantic coach | 2004/03/05

Yep, ashamed, you've botched, but at least you've identified that, you regret it and as the good ladies above have stated, learn from it. I agree too that you don't have to say anything to your bf. Your "punishment" is the guilt that you are experiencing at the moment. The next time that you are in a similar situation, that anguish and guilt that you are feeling now will make yo say "No" very early and you will also have learnt not to tease.

So to wrap up my advices is, DEAL WITH, GET OVER IT and MOVE ON.

All the best and take care of yourself.

Reply to Romantic coach
Posted by: Woman | 2004/03/05

I wouldn't say anything if I were you. Learn from this lesson why you're not supposed to cheat on your b/f (it is not to spoil your fun, but exactly because of the feelings of guilt).
Never, never do this again

Reply to Woman
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/03/05

hi girl

you were basically raped - no means no !
yes, you led him on and yes, you probably start saying no to late -
yes, you made a mistake but mistakes are there so we an learn from it, now learn !
don't drink to much, don't invite people over to your place, don't be a tease -

i hope you guys used protection!

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Wendy | 2004/03/05

Its your conscience! So, live with it! Eventually you will feel ok. Dont go on a confession story if you love your boyfriend because at the end of the day what the head does not know will not hurt the heart. I am being serious and you genuinely sound regrettful. You will have to get through this by yourself. Good luck!

Reply to Wendy

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