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Question
Posted by: Screwed Up | 2006/07/17

What does my husband WANT!!??????????

Hello Doc. Today i am fedup. My husband hurts me so much. I think this might be a long post, please forgive me. I have so much to say. I am confused and do not know where to go from here. What to do, or even if I should do anything at all.

My husband and I have been married for 10 months now. He has been hurting me so many times. We like many couples started fighting allot. I thought its normal to fight allot in the first stages of marriage. With fights he will say things to me that is cruel. I always just forgive him, because I think people do say things they should not say in a state of anger. But it just gets too much for me now.

Last year already it started. We fight, then the first thought in his mind is the dreaded word. divorce. It drives me insane when he even mentions the word. But with that he says other things. Like: I don't want to ever see you again, leave me alone. When I tell him I love him, he will say Dont love me. Find someone else.
He has said to me on numurous occasions that he never wants to see me again.
There are also things like do your thing and I will do mine.
He will tell me that he does not love me. I think he knows it hurts me and says it on purpose to hurt me.
The previous fight he told me that he does not care about me.
Then a few days later we make up, and for him it is all forgotten.
I started to doubt his love for me. When he tells me he loves me, I wonder if he does or not. I mean he told me many times he does not.
When he is not angry, he is the most loving person. But the moment he gets angry, its hatred towards me.

My husband works weekends. The previous weekend that he was off on a sunday, we had a fight. he spend time on his own, and so did I. It feels so long ago that we actually had a day together. Apart from that, his employer seem to always bother him at night. Phoning him for nothing. Like just to ask if he watched the soccer. It irretates me because I feel it is intruding on our private life. he can just as well ask him the next day?

With his family and friends it is the same thing. They always for some reason require his help in something. I do not mind if he wants to see his brothers. I do not mind if he wants to talk to them. It is his family.
To give you an example. This week:
Monday I worked a little bit late. It does not happen often. I usually get home at 17:15, but I got very stuck in traffic as well and I told my husband I will be late. 2 minutes later, I got a sms telling me he is quickly going with someone, because they require his help. I dont even know this person he went with. I was upset, because I felt I am always home first, I start to cook & make sure he gets food when he gets home. He had the opportunity to do the same for me, but could not care. This person i have never even met must get helped first. No problem, I left it, did not start a fight about that.
The tuesday he was off. He went to see his brothers & help his one brother in something. he was with them the whole day.
Wednesday he was at home.
Thursday, there is another family crises and he has to go there, comming home only 8:30pm
Friday he is tired and falls asleep early.
Saturday he worked, in the afternoon we went for coffee with HIS friends, and after that, he just dropped me & the kids off at home, and off to his brother again for a service required from him.
Comming home 2 hours later. And in between this all they still phone each other & sms each other as well.

yesterday he was off. I was happy that he was off. We can just be together. We had no real plans due to lack of money, but I could not care. My husband all for myself for one day is all I needed.
10:00 am, his employer phones, ask him to come and work. He said no, it is his day off. That made me happy. I really felt he should not even have answered his phone. But was happy with his answer.
I had to go buy stationary for the kids, and asked him to come with me. We went to the shopping center where he works. My hell, i did not even park the car yet, when he said to me he will quickly go there. I reacted immidiatly. What nonsence is this? I asked him if there can't even be ONE day that they dont see each other, and dont talk to each other. He ignored me completely and went there. You know what? That just pissed me off completely. Is it too much to ask for just ONE day? a day for ME?

I felt hurt, because i feel second best. Everyone seem to get so much of him, and I must just always wait for him to be available.

When he joined me in the shop I was, I was cold towards him. That made him angry. In the car he said to me
I will do what i want, not what you want. Live with it!!

When we got home, I told him that he had hurt me, because I just want him for one day to ignore his work, and spend the day with me. All the other days they have him. He said to me he will never do it. He can't ignore them. I told him that he does not seem to have a problem to ignore me.
I told him that I dont understand that he hurts me many times, but does not seem to care about it. Next month it will just happen again. He said to me I make small things big and this is nonsence. My feelings are just nonsence to him.
He said to me I dont care, I dont care, and to make it clear, I dont care. I do what i want, just do what you want too.
I told him that I do anything i want, but always consider him, and put him first.If I will do something that will hurt him, I dont do it. He said to me, DONT!!
We did not talk to each other after that. My sister's husband asked us to go there, because he required my husband to do something for him. So we went there.
When we got home, he said to me he has to go to his brother. his brother phoned him while he was there and has something urgent to discuss with him. And we will talk when he gets back.
he was gone for 2 hours. When he came back, he was cold as ever. not interested in talking at all. When he went to have a bath, I checked his phone. There was no received, missed, or made call in the time period we were out. he lied. Its just another excuse to not be at home. I did not say anything and just went to bed.

To get to the point, is that in 10 months, I heard so many times
Dont love me, I want a divorce, leave me alone, I never want to see you again, I dont care, dont care about me, do your thing & I will do mine. Dont put me first.
How many times must he push me away? And how many times must I still get hurt? He does not want my love. he does not want anything. I am not sure what he wants.

Then there is always the intefearence of phonecalls, his family that seem to always have some dort of crises. There is just always something. I feel second best. And he says to me Live with it?

This morning I said to him that when he cares enough, he can talk to me. he said to me maybe next week!!

Am I overreacting? Do i ask for too much?
I am hurt so much, that it feels something died in me. I cant even get myself to cry. Am I stupid for loving him? Giving so much of myself to him?
I dont go places without him. Some of my family I have not seen in so long, because he works and I dont want to go without him.
Why does it feel that all the decisions I make, I think of him, but I am not getting that back.
is it me who has issues? Do I want and expect too much? I thought marriage is NOT do your thing and I will do mine. I thought marriage is considering the other one.

yet, I am in a marriage, and I feel unimportant, unloved, second best. And alone. I must still do my own thing. My husband keeps pushing me away and is slowly killing the love. I cant love someone who does not want it.

Am I the problem? Or is he just not that in to me?

I know this is long. Thank you for taking the time.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Good grief, SU --- after reading such a very long post, I feel I need to go and lie down for a bit ! This sounds like a truly unhappy marriage, but one which could be helped --- if you BOTH agree that helpmis needed and will sincerely participate --- by marriage counselling. You are not the problem, but as in all marriage problems,both of you are part of the problem, and could be part of the solution.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Koke's | 2006/07/17

I agree with Sally fully. only you can put a stop to this. you need to do a lot of soul searching. i can't even begin to imagine how you feel from all this? but i personally would look at my children and go on with my life with them. no amount of counceling could take away the humiliation that he is putting you through. I hate men that abuse woman mentally because that is what he is doing to you. do not let him because that is going to turn you into a very angry woman. spend sometime away from him as well, have fun with the kids, family friends on your own even. get out from that marriage he is not going to change, he probably is a very bitter and unhappy man as well and wonder why really? but Girl bow out whilst you still have your pride. embrace your pain it will only make you stronger to go on without him.
good luck! GOSH THIS MAN........... IN TIME YOU WILL GET A MAN THAT ADORES THE GROUND YOU WALK ON. A MAN THAT WILL LOOK INTO YOUR EYES AND YOU WILL FEEL HIS HEART BEAT. We all learn from our mistakes and you will forget him he is mos def not worthy of yOUr love AT ALL.

Reply to Koke's
Posted by: sally | 2006/07/17

to me it sounds like your husband does not love or care for you. you are not important to him and shows you little or no respect. as for the times he may say he loves you those are only words - proof is in the pudding. your husband is never around and he is always at work - he cant leave his boss alone - why is there something else looming - - you are not the problem you and your children should be no 1 in your husbands life and yes people work hard and yes you dont have to live in each others pockets but please you and you husband live past each other - i dont see how you can even say you love your husband when you are treated like a doormat - ask yourself if you truly love your husband and are in love with him - or is it cos he is so untouchable right now that he seems so amazing - an amazing man is not one that disregards his family. my advice when he is nasty to you or wants to do his own thing - then you do your own thing and go spend time with your family and friends and when he is nasty to you and says he wants a divorce and does not love you - tell him that what he wants he can get - stand up for yourself you and your children deserve more than he can offer you and he is taking you for granted so he better realise that you are a good caring person and appreciate you while there is a small chance of hope or it will be tooo late. you deserve more than he can offer stand up to him - who does he think he is - he is getting away with treating you like this cos you are allowing it - put a stop to it.

Reply to sally
Posted by: Leigh | 2006/07/17

It seems that your husband doesn't want what you want or perhaps he just doesn't realise that with marriage priorities change. You have only been married for 10 months, please try and go for help. Famsa is an amazing organisation. Contact them and go together for councilling. The problem will not sort itself out and if he won't go then go on your own to reach a balanced decision.
Good luck

Reply to Leigh

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