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Posted by: Sandy | 2005/12/14

What does a marriage with out the physical do to a man

I have a male friend at work that is seperated and going through a divorce at the moment.He said that the reason for getting out is that there was no sex in the marriage she always accused him of just being interested in her when he wanted sex with her.They have been married for 28 years.

I just want to know how to support him because it seems like his ego and self esteem is very low.He is now searching love and happiness all over the place jumping from one woman to the next......

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Our expert says:
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Simply re-assure him that his wife was mistaken and obviously had her own deep personal problems about sex ; and that it says nothing bad about him that she couldn';t manage it and never sought the therapy she really needed --- but discourage him from trying to re-assure himself by a hectic rash of affairs which are merely dangerous, and don't be tempted into trying to apply some sexual reassurance yourself.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Hank | 2005/12/14

Lulu, I think a SO is a Significant Other

Reply to Hank
Posted by: shooter | 2005/12/14

sandy, i'm a man, married close to 7 years & find at times there is a need for sex & at others we abstain for weeks or months. it was used as a weapon until she found that i was able to abstain. we don't always see eye to eye on the topic but the attraction can still be there. we normally loose interest in theSO (significant other) for deeper reasons

Reply to shooter
Posted by: lulu | 2005/12/14

San, what's a SO?

Reply to lulu
Posted by: San | 2005/12/14

Not having sex is a symptom of something deeper wrong, ask me, I've just broken up with my SO after 4 years of trying again since the divorce. Our emotional bond was non existent, we had no connection, how can I have sex with a man I feel nothing for? Sex does not make the relationship perfect and a relationship is much more than having regular sex. So if he feels sexually inadequate, he's looking in the wrong places. What happened to the emotional side of the relationship? And yeah, I know not having sex with my SO drove him straight into finding it somewhere else, but he was not interested in working on the emotional side of our relationship. So guess he'll have to keep on finding it somewhere else.

I begged, cried, wrote letters, trying to get the deeper issues addressed, he was just annoyed coz he didn't get sex and left because of that.

Tell you friend to see a shrink to address the real issues not the fact that he didn't get sex.

Reply to San
Posted by: No Bravery | 2005/12/14

My husband and I came shockingly close to getting divorced this year. Luckily we turned things around and are know working quite hard at it. Unfortunately problems with our sex life is one of the issues that almost tore us apart. We were never intimate, because it was a case of wham bam thank you ma'am and I felt "what's the point?" We've been married for 4 years and I've never had an orgasm (I was a virgin). Funny how he just stopped trying after a bit...

I must say...looking back at it (our sex life has vastly improved...no orgasms..but I still enjoy it) the sex was a symptom...not a cause. It was a symptom of how he became increasingly selfish, of my need to be in control (I used it as a bargaining tool) and of much deeper underlying issues. I think sex is just one of the first places issues manifest.

Reply to No Bravery
Posted by: Ash1 | 2005/12/14

FIO offers some sound advice. My husband was in a marriage like that, for more than 23/24 years. What does it do to a man? It rips them apart, it lets them feel that they are not sexually good enough in bed. That they can't satisfy their wife. And after the marriage is over, they are left with a good deal of guilt. He would do anything for his ex wife. He feels that in all other respects besides sex they had a good companionship. And then they ask themselves, are they that animal-like to put such a high value on sex.
I live with these issues as the wife now, and they not easy to deal with. Let your friend deal with his divorce, his whole life is being torn apart, and he will need to establish a whole new identity for himself, as some friends and family members may even reject him. Let him vent and be there for him. Know that he will be changed after the divorce, and that he learns to accept himself anew.

Reply to Ash1
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/14

Sandra, when on the rebound we all go searching for something to replace what is killing us inside. We hope that by doign this, something will come along that will push the hurtful things out of our hearts.

The problem is that it never works. Its like an investment. Right now his life is invested in his wife, so before someone new can come in, he has to remove the investment to create space for something new. Something new cannot push the existing out.

You cant stop him going from bed to bed, its part of the healing process, ask most people who have been through it. Come out of divorce, either go into hiding or go on the rampage. In fact people usually do both, but either hiding first then rampage, or rampage then hiding.

The only thing you can do is listen to him, understand, be a neutral help, and above all DONT get involved with the guy, because you will get burned!

He will only fid love when he is ready to accept t, and that will only happen once he has processed his divorce, which is not simply a matter of days, weeks or even months. He has a wholenew life to build, and that takes on average around 2 years. Of course I am generalising here, but its a reality. Divorce is like death, sometimes worse because death is final. People need time to mourn, to rebuild lives.

Just be a listening friend, neutral, non judgemental, but honestly critical.

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