Posted by: Spark | 2009/07/06

What do you thin I should do?

I have been engaged for 4 months to a man that we had a long distance relationship. He moved in with me and my daughter (10) about 2 months ago. What would your advice be if you read the below? (I have been on my own for 16 years, after a failed marriage of 2.5 years)

•  “ I’ m not going to sit around here all day”  –  this is what he said to me on Saturday morning when I asked why he has to go to the shops today and not tomorrow with me.
•  Doesn’ t brush his teeth.
•  Doesn’ t want keys to the house.
•  Doesn’ t want to know the alarm or safe codes.
•  He put a bathroom cabinet up in the morning and the rest of the day he was in front of the TV or laptop or sleeping while I was doing the washing, picking up the dog poo, doing the dishes and cleaning house.
•  I had to beg him to make dinner over the weekend, as we said that I cook during the week he will over the weekend, but he still expects me to do everything.
•  The arrangement we had, I cook during the week and he does the cleaning up of dishes. I have to rush after work, pick my daughter up, clean the kitchen and make food.
•  I make him coffee in bed during the week as I get up before him, he is suppose to make over weekends. He stays in bed until I get up and make the coffee.
•  When my daughter says good night to him, he doesn’ t look at her and keeps doing what he does, either tv or laptop.
•  We will all be watching a moving, then he would suddenly get up and go to the room. When I walk in he is on his laptop. He doesn’ t say a word and my daughter has to go say good night to him.
•  Sex …  what is that?
•  He doesn’ t talk to me in the mornings.
•  He never says good night or good morning.
•  He is always farting and burping.
•  He breaths like a fish. He mouth opens and closes just like a fish.
•  I earn 3 times what he does. That is not the problem, the problem is it feels like he made himself a very easy life by moving in with me and my daughter.
•  He has bad debt, debt counselling.
•  If I marry him, I will be his 6th wife.
•  He has been in a institution for a nervous breakdown.
•  I decided on a wedding date for next year, all he says is fine.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why on earth would you want to even momentarily think of marrying such a selfish, lazy lout ? He is USING you, and saving a fortune by being housed and cared for by a live-in servant at no cost to him.
If ( whatever happens in the meantime ) in years to come, your daughter came to you with the same question about someone she was with, wouldn't you advise her to end this situation as soon as possible ? Would you really wish such a relaionship upon her ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Jason | 2009/07/06

That' s very sensible of you.

You have only been living together for 2 months, so I don' t think you can be classified as c-l married couple.

I' m not sure about not being able to register the car in HIS name. But it would be better to speak to a lawyer. It might be better to keep the car registered her name in case he doesn' t carry on with the payments so that she could claim it back. But unfortunately the fact that he can' t get a car on his name is not your problem.

Be strong!

Reply to Jason
Posted by: Spark | 2009/07/06

Thanks for all your advice.
I have arranged for my daughter to stay over at my parents tonight. I have the arm responce on standby just incase, and my brother will be by me.
There are no legal implecations are there? We are not considered common-law married couple?
One more problem - he took over the car from my mother - he has been paying for it, it is still in her name. They did sign a contract that he is the legal owner and will pay for the car. He is in debt councilling so he can' t get a car on his name.

Reply to Spark
Posted by: 007boer | 2009/07/06

This is one of those " haai foeitog"  situations Casper De Vries joked about on walgwors. You had better decide but quick whether you want to live with this miserable person for the rest of your life. Remember, by staying with him , you are condoning his (in)actions. And no, people don' t change, they just become better at what they do.

Reply to 007boer
Posted by: Jason | 2009/07/06

Hi Spark,

Just sit him down and tell him about the above list that you have made. Just be straight-forward with him and tell him that this is not what you want in life and that he is not the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Be honest but firm with him and tell him that he has a week to find alternative accommodation.

Hope this helps!

Good luck!


Reply to Jason
Posted by: Spark | 2009/07/06

Dear Speechless, before he moved in he was great. As soon as he moved in all these things starting coming out. Like I said he has been there for about 2 months, I didn' t mean for my daughter to go through this, but it is time for him to leave. He did give her a laptop of R9k before he moved in, buying his way in. I have the feeling he thinks we are desperate for his DSTV and the R3k he gives me at the end of the month as his share.

Reply to Spark
Posted by: Speechless | 2009/07/06

Why do u expose ur daughter to such a jerk!!!

Reply to Speechless
Posted by: Spark | 2009/07/06

How do I tell him to move out? Never been in this situation before?

Reply to Spark
Posted by: Jason | 2009/07/06

6th wife? Bad debt?

Honestly, does this man make you truly happy? What do you love about him?

I think you deserve much more than this.

Reply to Jason
Posted by: petra | 2009/07/06

get out before its tooooo late

Reply to petra
Posted by: Leez | 2009/07/06

Holy crap! I think you' ve already answered your own question...

Reply to Leez
Posted by: No NO No | 2009/07/06

Its not gonna work, look at that looong list, please re-consider your decision. Worst of all, he doesn' t speak to your daughter!!!

Reply to No NO No
Posted by: Danny | 2009/07/06

No Offence Spark, but read your own post again and tell me if you want to spend your life with this guy. I am not being negative but NO MAN. This is not going to get better. You sound like a well off woman and have been like that for 16 years. Please dont let yourself into this " disaster"  you will make life worse for both you and your daughter. Good luck it is always easier said than done.

Reply to Danny

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