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Posted by: SINADA | 2006/10/30

What do I do?

My X & I share a son, my X & his girlfriend have been dating since my son was 1 (he is 6 now), the thing is she dispises him and begrudges the LITTLE OR ANY TIME he spends with his dad! (my X & i live very near to each other but she's always there and my son doesn't want to be there) she hates it if his dad pays any attention to him. She even mentioned that she would never want to be a STEPMOTHER TO THAT CHILD!!! The other thing is she hides it so well from my X - how do i make him aware of this??? Or do i just leave it ??? -

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Our expert says:
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What a very selfish and cruel woman she is. Have you discussed this with tour ex--- surely he can plan to spend more time with his son ELSWHERE< without the resentful woman present ? Surely if he cares about the boy, he would want to know about this ? ust be tactful in how and when you tell him

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Our users say:
Posted by: SINADA | 2006/11/01

My son went on holiday with my X's parents but his dad didn't wanna go b'cos i told him his GF cannot go with, so he stayed at home .... now what does that tell me??????

Reply to SINADA
Posted by: Crazy | 2006/10/30

I grew up in a household with a setpmother who hated me and my sisters, she did everything to destroy the relationship we had with our dad. The things you experience as a child you carry with you all your life. He is now trying to make up for it and it's too late. I had no mom to help me through as she's late, but your son has you. Put an end to this while he is still young or he'll be scarred for life and grow up hating his dad!

Reply to Crazy
Posted by: SINADA | 2006/10/30

Thanx Foxybrown

I was thinking that but i just wanted someone else to tell me straight out!

I will ask this friend of hers and if that doesn't work then he'll have to choose!

Thanks so much, i just want what's best for my boy!

Reply to SINADA
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2006/10/30

And that friend of hers who can't take it anymore must talk directly to your ex. He needs to know you are not imagining it. He literally needs to speak to a witness and she is it.

Someone - anyone - needs to stand up for this innocent child.
The situation is untenable and totally unacceptable.

Reply to Foxybrown
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2006/10/30

Then he must choose. He didn't have to all along, but now he must.

His girlfriend or his son. The choice is his. He can see his son at your place or not at all. No you are not using your child as a pawn. You are protecting him from unwarranted hurtful remarks he may take years to heal from. No one really knows how your son feels when such ugly things are said in his presence. Why expose him to this venom any longer? You need to make sure he is surrounded by ppl who love and adore him, not those who wish he didn't exist.

Your ex must choose. Period. And if he decides he can't visit his own precious flesh and blood because Madam won't let him, then you and your son are really beta off without him.

Reply to Foxybrown
Posted by: SINADA | 2006/10/30

That's just the thing she will never show her true feelings to her boyfriend & she won't come with .... but she'll also make sure that he doesn't come either!!!(she has this paranoia about him being in the same house as me) U see he'd rather listen to her than do what is right for his son.

I've tried this before to....

Reply to SINADA
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2006/10/30

Your ex must visit his child at your place. End of story. If she doesn't like it she can accompany him. I dare her to be rude and antagonistic to your son with you sitting there.

Reply to Foxybrown
Posted by: SINADA | 2006/10/30

Hi Foxybrown

Thank you for your words but i have pretty much done everything you have said!!! My X knows that i am not jealous of her (he's told me so )but i feel that i don't want my child around herand My son doesn't come home and tell me everything but he keeps it to himself & days later he'll mention something & i confront his father but its no use, he just believes her. I knew all along that she didn't care much about my son but then a friend of her's (who just couldn't take it anymore) came and explained to me just how bad it really is.
And it is really bad!

Reply to SINADA
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2006/10/30

No you cannot leave it. You need to talk to your ex alone. Tell me, how is it you are aware of things he is not aware of, is it that your child comes home and reports these things to you? Is he able to report those same things to his dad?

Coming from the child would be far more believable than coming from you. Not because you are a liar but because it may seem you have motives.

Tell your ex he is free to come and visit his son - at YOUR place. You cannot have a child going over to his dad’s place and experiencing alienation, resentment and antagonistic behavior. This woman has not accepted your son and by the sounds of it never will. So why are you obligingly accepting her? You owe her nothing and you certainly don’t owe her hundreds of chances to get it right with your son. If in five years she has not at least tried to endear herself to the child and show him some love and acceptance, then neither your son nor his dad needs this woman around. You can do something about maintaining distance between your son and this woman. You can do nothing about his dad and the woman and in any case one day your ex will see this Cruella de Ville for what she is.

To her your son is a spanner in the works and an inconvenience to the otherwise 'flawless' relationship she assumes she would enjoy with your ex were he childless. Such women sicken me. As a woman, either decide you can accept a man's child/children and make a superhuman effort to do so. I say superhuman because it is not the child who should have to make the effort, especially not a very young child. The work should fall to the adult. This woman has not made her peace with having to share your ex. She is having to share his time and affection with his son and it grates her sore.

Effect some distance between your boy and this woman but not between the boy and his father. Speak to the father alone and speak without bitterness or wrath in your voice. Just quietly tell him you have noticed your child does not enjoy his visits as much and that you are basing this on what the boy says when he gets back. Ask your ex if he could come over and visit the boy instead, at least until things became clearer. Offer him an opportunity to speak to the boy himself. Remind your ex this is about him spending time with your son and has nothing to do with any ill-intentions you could possibly have towards him and his girlfriend.

Quote your son verbatim when you ex asks what he has said.

Stand up for your son. In this situation you are the only one who can effectively do it until your ex sees things the way you do.

Good luck

Reply to Foxybrown

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