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Question
Posted by: Charlie | 2005/11/29

What do i do

I have been posting items for the past few weeks regarding the abusive man in my life. I am still confused and i dont know why i am because i know exactly what the right thing is to do.

We had a few more fights, last night regarding my sms messages, he wanted to know who is smsing me and what they want and i told him that it has nothing to do with him, because he had promised me that he would give me my space and wont impose on my personal life and friends. He started shouting and screaming again and accused me of hiding things from him and cheating on him.

On Saturday we had another huge fight. I told him that i cannot take his abusive behavior anymore and i want a divorce. He then told me to get out of the house and as usual said he would kill himself because no one wants him in their lives and no one cares for him. I then told him that i will not leave because the house is as much mine as it is his. He then told me if i dont leave all that will be laeft of me in the morning is a corpse. I went cold and did not know if i should believe him or not. After a while he apologised again as usual and said that he did not mean what he said he was once again angry and he said that that is the only way he can defend himself. This is the reason why we are having problems in the fisr place, because of his abusive behavior and time after time after time he said that he would control himslef and yet when we have a fight he just does all those things again.

Should i take those threats seriously or should i accept that he just said it in anger?

What do i do, if i dont fix this i am afraid i might end up going crazy. He also said that he will make sure that my child never sees me and i dont want to end up losing my child.

My job is very demanding and there have been a few time when i have had to work late and he would then stay at home with out daughter and he says that he has been mother and father to her so there is no way that i will ever get custody of her. Is this true?

Help!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its never possible to wisely ignore threats like that, even if he mos of the time doesn't mean them. Call POWA and discuss your options, with an emphasis mon HOW to do what you know you need to do. If he feels his suicide is justified because nobody likes him, suggest he should see a counsellor and work on understanding WHY no-pne seems to like him, and how to become likeable. IF there is a divorce based on an emotionally abusive man who has threatened violence, I don't see how he could prevent you from having custody.
But you have received a large amount of excellent advice and support, and know what you should do for your sake and that of your child --- now just DO IT>

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/29

Charlie, Although enough was harsh, he/she has a point.

I am not saying you are like that, but I agree that many woman do stay in an abusive relationship because of that.
I know even me, although there were many fears ,the one thing i feared the most, was all my attention would have been gone.At least while i was being abused, peole cared...?

It was only up to one day that my best friend told me, NO MORE, i dont want to hear he does this & he does that, cuz you do nothing about it......

Ultimitly, is only you who can stop abuse.
You dont have to live with it AT ALL, so why do you? I know how difficult it is to walk out, but do trust me when i say, the reward is so great. To get your life back is worth whatever suffering you will go through by leaving him.

Like i said, ive been abused, i KNOW the fears, the lonelyness.
people are quick to say "leave him, get out" but usually there are many complication involved...financial, etc...

What i can tell you, its really worth to just do it. Take the other problems as they come, day by day. You will be able to handle it.

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Charlie | 2005/11/29

Enough... Did you even think about what you said before you burted that out! If you dont know how to give advice, then it is better to just keep quite.

Its always easier for someone one the outside to make comments like you have.

You should be sensitive to the answers you post, people could be alot more sensitive than i am and what you say could change their lives in a big way.

Its called support! Or if you dont have anything nice to say then zip it!

Reply to Charlie
Posted by: Lee | 2005/11/29

Enough... i think that that comment is a little unfair. Have you ever been abused or in a positition like this? Have you ever know anyone who is or has been abused. If you do you would know that its alway easier said than done.

A lot of abused women have become dependent on their abuser.. some financially, others emotionally. I think it is a position in which you get trapped... physically and emotionally... Often the fear of what will happen when you leave is far greater than the fear you have to face everyday.

Reply to Lee
Posted by: enough | 2005/11/29

This women is a attention seeker. She is one of those pathetic people that wines and wines about her life but she is nog going to do anything about it. These kind of women like to be abused and then gets sympathy from other people. She will never dump this guy and she does not care that she is putting her innocent child threw this. Her postings is always the same. You are pathetic get a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to enough
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2005/11/29

Hey there
Get out NOW - run like hell, the threat of becoming a corpse - might turn into a promise that takes fruition.
CP mom - great advice - but don't u think that u should have kept ur friends name out of this?
Sweety bottom line is you and your child are in danger.

Reply to Juzlisen
Posted by: CP Mom | 2005/11/29

I'm probably sticking my head in where I should not but I have a friend that's going throught the same and no matter WHAT I tell her to do (Coz whenever he's beaten her up - she use to post here as Another Porra) she'd ask for advice but never follow it : coz she loves him so much.

I say phone the cops no they don't want to come out anymore. Coz she make's a case they arrest him and then SHE'S the one that bails him out coz she's scared WHEN he get's out he'll beat her again!

I say phone Powa she said they are also tired of her.

Nou wat nou ?

HOW CAN HE MAKE SURE YOU NEVER SEE YOUR CHILD AGAIN ?!?!? huh???? Do we live in the middel ages ?

It's time to take back your life and control of your life.

Baby steps. Change the locks get an interdict do whatever YOU need to do to be safe and DO THIS FOR YOUR CHILD AS WELL. How can you raise a daughter in such an house ?

A nee a man!

Love Mom.

Reply to CP Mom
Posted by: lee | 2005/11/29

Get out - before he hurts you anymore - or even worse your daughter.

I seriously doubt that any judge in their right mind would award custody to an abusive man... if he can abuse you he can abuse her... so don't worry too much about that. If you are really worried get some advise from a lawyer.

Perhaps you should consider moving out - i know its not fair as the house is as much yours as it is his. But once again a lawyer could sort this out. If he torments you any further you could always lay a charge against him and get a restraining order.

Your daughter and her safety is the most important thing.. this is definately not a healthy environment to raise her in. You don't say where she was during the fight but I presume she was at home. This has to be very traumatic for her

Good luck

Reply to lee
Posted by: HoT | 2005/11/29

Phone POWA

Reply to HoT

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