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Question
Posted by: Sweet angel | 2006/04/05

What did i do wrong?

Hi, i'm 19 years old and i grew up staying with my gran and never felt my mother's love, she never even believed in me, i can't talk to her about anything, she calls me names, like i'm stupid and she told me she hates me and wish i was never been born, she told me if she could go back in time to undo me she would.

I've always tried to be a good person but she always finds faults in everything i do, i don't drink or do what most teens usually do and i got good grades in school but to her i'm a mistake and when ever i'm ill she accused me of being pregnant, It really hurt me because i don't know what did i do wrong to deserve that.

She took me from my gran and left me alone when i was 12 and i had to learn things on my own , go to school and think what i have to eat but i didn't give up, she paid for my school fees and told me that when i finish school she wants all her money that she used on me coz she has done me a favour. she's never been there for me not even to buy me clothes or to wish me a happy birthday.

I found a job and paid some of the money she used on me, but i don't feel i owe her as she is my mother, she doesn't speak to me and i'm not staying with her anymore, she tell people lies about me and what a disgrace i am. she's punishing me for what my father did to her as if i asked to be born.

I'm tired of trying to reach out to her and i don't think i want her to be part of my life anymore coz everything she does for me she wants me to pay and she only seems to be nice when she want money from me after that i'm a disgrace again, yesterday she came to where i live and i thought she wanted to see how i was doing coz i was ill, she told me she was worried about me but after 5 min she said she needed money, and i think she just came for money not coz she cared but i didn't give her anything.

Am i a terrible person to feel this anger towards her? i feel like i hate her for what she put me through and whenever my friends tells me how much they love their mothers and how great and understanding they are i feel sick and jelous coz i can't and never call her my mom. i don't know my father i tried to know him but he doen't want to know me. I don't really know what i did to deserve this life all i wanted was to have a happy family but she stole my childhood and i can only have that in my dreams, i feel so lonely.

my life experiences affected me in many ways coz now i don't believe or trust in people, i think they will let me down or disappoint me, i want to stop hoping that she will change or ever love me, everything is over my shoulder and i'm starting to feel like a mistake but also don't want to take my own life coz i have dreams for my future i want to have things that she never gave me, where can i get an affordable counselling to work on changing myself and my attitude towards life? pls help

Your advice will be highly appreciated

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, you have had the misfortune of having a bad mother, with apparently no idea of the duties of being a mother. That's her fault, not yours. You ARE a good person, and she doesn't have the skill to recognize it. She's a disgrace to the very idea of "mother".
You shouldn't repay her a penny of the little she spent on you --- if she complains, remind her that you have been so kind as not to report her to the authorities for child abuse and neglect. Cut her out of your life, ignore whatever she might say about you, and feel pleased to be rid of her. You're not at all a terrible person for feeling anger towards her --- SHE is a terrible person, indeed. If possible see a good local counsellor, to work through the damage she caused you by her irresponsibility and extreme selfishness, and to set yourself free from the limits she placed on you. WHy you ? Because she was a dreadful mother, and you had the misfortune, by chance, to be her child
Check out what's available through your nearest major provincial hospitals, and at the Depts of Psychiatry & Psychology of your nearest medical School.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sweet angel | 2006/04/06

Thank you all for your advice and Supaman you really Helped alot and i appreciate your advice but part of me has accepted the reality and another part of me still question why me? i am nothing like her and i will never put my kids through what i've been through.

Thank you all for your help but i've decided to move on and cut her out of my life, i made it this far on my own and i'm still standing but i have to find a way to move on let go of my anger and pain.

Reply to Sweet angel
Posted by: Supaman | 2006/04/05

It's not you, it's your mom. Seriously, she is disappointed about the way her life turned out. Problem is she is taking it out on you. You seem like a good person with a good head on your shoulders and you have been through alot but, hey, you still here - so respect to your drive and will to make a better life for yourself, I admire you for that. Back to your mom. She is upset that your Dad was a bad choice on her part - BuT THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. From what you've written it seems that he is not worthy of your attention, if he doesn't want to have anything to do with you. It's his loss that he will never get to know what a terrific person you are - and he has only himself to blame for that. Your Mom fell pregnant and she wish she didn't - THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Those are issues she needs to deal with. I know that what you have is not an ideal family life and situation but the sooner you stop blaming yourself, the sooner you will be able to deal with these issues and move on from it. Keep working hard toward your goals and know that not all people are like this. You will find someone who cares for you like you deserve, and never settle for second best. One day you will have children and I am sure that you will be there for them and give them the family life and childhood you didn't have. And you will understand the joy of being there for you children - a joy, sadly, your mother does not know or understand yet. She may not be a lost cause, so keep trying to get thought to her by explaining how you feel. But please remember that the way her life turned out is NOT your fault, and if she is being more distructive for you than good, then maybe it's time to move on. This is just my advice to you and while I may not understand all of what you are going through, I hope I helped.

Reply to Supaman
Posted by: Southernwrite | 2006/04/05

Sit down and write motherr a nice long letter expressing your feelings and than end it off by informing her that ethre is no more money coming her way and that if you are such a bad daughter that you would appreciate it that she stayed out of your life. I did it to my dad and today we have a better understanding - not the best but better

Reply to Southernwrite
Posted by: Rush | 2006/04/05

You did nothing wrong and you can never receive love from anyone other than yourself. Regardless of everything that was said and done to you, you haven't let yourself go and I admire your strength and determination, I wish I was more like you.

Reply to Rush
Posted by: MG | 2006/04/05

People will always dissappoint you. I am sorry about your mom. But do you know what - God/Jesus is the only one who will never dissappoint us, He will give us all the love we need.

Reply to MG

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