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Question
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/01/16

what chance has she got to make it in life? URGENT!

hi all

pls give me some advice..........

my ex has a daughter (15) she stayed with her granny ( yes the terrible mom in-law i told you about) since she was 3
she is a pretty child and is clever but i think due to the fact that the in- laws have such a messed up family life ( their chidren who is without a job or kick out by the wives move back in out out their home causing alot of stress and fights)
the middle of the year she was shipped of to some drug rehab place - i was with my ex and we visited her ... now she looks fine and i asked her if she was using druggs she told me no not yet but the circumstances at home it to much for her she can't cope ( i know from experience that it;s true - i even cut all ties with the family a couple of years ago) i told her that if she ever feels she needs,she can come and stay with me and my kids , bearing in mind that she will be treated the same way my kids does - i will love and discipline her the same way. she said she wish she could but granny ( who hates me... everyone in the world and most of all herself)
would never allow it since they have custody of the kids.

i left it at that and hoped she would be ok
now i heard she was raped and had a total colapse she is back in the rehab centre...
the part that really upsets me is that the granny is now sueing the guy who raped her and the company she worked for - as a waiteress... now i' asking shouldn't they be focussing their attention on the broken child and spend time and money to get her back on track? it feels as if their focus is always wrong ..
eg. they have 2 sons. 4 daughters in- law yet we were always the worse scum on earth - i look at my kids ( being raised by a moody single parent ) and the she raised having enough money and both a mother and father figure) and i wonder who was right . when my kids goes trough a tough time i get professional help, meet the teachers and even take time off work ... yet this poor 15 year old girl is send of to a center and once again everyone els is in the wrong except them - and i firmly believe no matter how good their intentions but they are to blame for not equiping this child with the correct value system anb meeting her emotional needs - look i know even if we are perfect parents kids still can ake a choice and turn bad but this child in not 100% to blame for what happened , i admid she has a lot of mistakes and problems

pls give me advice - should i get involved - i don't really want to because then i have the entire family on my back again, but how do i live with my conscience , but on the other hand she is not my responsibility...

does she have a chance to make a succes with her life and what need to happen before she is ok

thx

nina

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Our expert says:
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Complex situation,
surely in this situation the rehab centre ought to pull out all the stops and ensure that she gets proper expert assessment and advice and help. I am troubled that some rehb centres seem to provide frighteningly limited actual services, but surely in a situation as severe as this they ought to be able to call on the needed resources.
From the sound if it the child ought to be able to still make a success of her life, especially with the proper help. Most of us are much more resilient than one might think ; and she is certainly being given the opportunity to learn how NOT to manage a family life and other aspects of life ; so long as she can at least get the message that there are alternatives, and that things can be better, there is good hope for her.
Apart from the Family from Hell in general, what does your Ex think about this situation specifically as if affects this daughter ? Even if overseas, could he not at least push for her to receive better professional help, and even to have the freedom to at least visit you and your family ? ( Even visits that confirm that loving and functional families can and do exist, could be useful for her ).
But it sounds as if the F from H would unite against your active involvement, and you formally, legally, have no real status in the matter. I agree with the others --- souldn't the child welfare authorties be involved, especially since the rape ? And paul raises an important issue, easy to overlook --- the fact of the rape may raise questions about the Hells' Grannies capacity to maintain custody effectively, especially if she's seen to be pursuoing financial returns rather than providing the best available rape counselling and other care for the child.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/01/16

hi guys

thx for all the advice - just further info.....
my ex could not even be a father for my two kids he is just to irresponsible and imature... he is currently employed ( thank goodness) and working overseas he is however paying maintenance which im really greatfull for..

her mother deserted her when she was very small and is living a really wild life, she never contacts her kids and has moved on

i don't know how i got involved with a mixed up family like this all i can say is love is blind - i'm however lucky to have cut all ties with all of them and not exposing my kids to things like this

this poor kid has had so much rejection, she was always told by granny that she is exactly like her mom - no wonder she is doing funny stuff!!

i just wish i could do something to help -yet i can't expose my kids - who are in a private christian school - costing me a fortune but worth ever cent when i see how mature and responsible and caring they are!

have a lovely weekend

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Paul | 2004/01/16

Hi Lady Nina,

This is horrible, I agree with you they should rather focus on helping this girl come to terms with all the emotions following a rape - not some court case (and theyll prolly try and get some money out of him!) - Wrong priorities, maybe this rape (as bad as this sounds) could still act as a good reason to have a court reconsider custody of this gran - her needs are now diffirent so she needs diffirent attention, if she can testify in court that things at home are too stressful, Im sure your ex can have her!

Please keep us posted.

Reply to Paul
Posted by: Soul | 2004/01/16

I think your in a catch 22 situation here, if you try and help you will have them on your back if you don't and something seriously happens to this child (not that rape isn't serious enough) but I'm talking life threatning you'll never be able to forgive yourself for not trying.
Where is this childs mother and where is her father?

This child needs all the help she can get and most of all she needs love. I don't know what the situation is with her parents and if I'm out of line I do appologise but they are the cause for all the problems this child has in her life, and Granny having custody the child isn't making this childs life any easier.

Yes her Gran should take action against these people but her first and formost responsibility should be this child and it seems to me that all granny is worried about it how much money is she gonna get out of all of this, if she does get any money it should go to the child and not granny cause the granny didn't suffer anything the child did.

I agree get hold of child welfare and find out what you can do. Whether or not you see it she needs you. I can understand your reservations in getting involved but if you don't intervine in saving this child who will?

As for your question "What chance has she got to make it in life" I'd say not much unless someone you the welfare does something to help her and get her out of that house.
This child has been neglected, rejected, pushed aside and deserted for far too long it's time for her to heal and be loved now, don't you think?

I wish you all the best.
Soul

Reply to Soul
Posted by: em | 2004/01/16

hi lady nina,

This is a very involved situation. Would child welfare be able to help? I think you should stay well away from this!

em

Reply to em

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