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Question
Posted by: Grumpybear | 2004/01/14

What bound ?

Come on guys think before answering this one please!
July 2003 was promoted to General manager of international concern ,Turned 40 ,Promotion ment moving from SA to Europe with the Family at Company expense,Sept 2003 My wife diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and subsequently passed away 11/11/2003. She did not make it to Europe and with her sickness i spent a lot of time flying home for two weeks at a time .I was present literally , at her death which ended a fantastic 17 year marriage with no regrets besides the fact that she is now gone.
I am currently fulfilling my obligations to the company in Europe and have my 15 year old son with me now here is the thing I also have with me a lady with whom i have started a relationship and allows me to speak freely concerning the past My son likes her very much and believes that she has a lot in common with his mother which I see too .In order for her to be able to stay I would have to seek permanent status for her as she is also from SA .I am currently engaged to her and my question is this .Even if I dont think that I am on a rebound and feel that i could comfortably live with this woman indefinately could it be that i am blinded by a rebound seeing as my wife and i did not actually break up so to speak ?
I will be watching for your responses.best of luck

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Grumpybear,
Ironical, isn't it, how life can offer one a happy opportunity and a sad loss in the same 6 months ? Obviously, it's not up to any of us to say what you ought to do. Of course you might be acting to a significant degree "on the rebound" --- not on the rebound from the breaking up of an unhappy relationship, but in some forms of grief, one seeks to minimize one's attention to the sadness of it by carrying on rapidly, making new decsions one might later regret. It's well known, for instance, that widows often sell up the famil home and business, feling that this is part of cheerfully "making a fresh start", only to find within a year that they've made a bad decision, accepted a lousy price / deal, and wish they could go back to the situation before they moved and sold-up.
By general standards, it does seem very soon to be getting engaged, especially if this is to a lady you met after November. It's unfortunate if a visa or related problem makes you feel pushed towards a hasty devision, when time to be sure of your own state of mind, and the validity and quality of the relationship, could become clearer.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/01/15

I think that you have not even yet grieved the loss of your wife, yet you might love this other special woman, she cannot "replace" your wife. I am not saying that is what you are trying to do. I just feel that maybe she is a source of comfort and solitude? SHe reminds both you and your son of your wife becuase she possesses many of your wifes qualities. Always remember that she too is a unique person and never make the mistake of comparing the two people, that could hurt her very much. I am glad that you and your son have someone in your lives that brings you both happiness, just dont take things too fast or you might find yourself losing this new found love. I pray things will work out for you.

Reply to Juzlisen
Posted by: gem | 2004/01/15

If i may, i did not lose a loved one but i lost my soulmate so to speak.I was heart broken and thought i could never love someone that much again. Then a good friend told me that each person is unique and that we CAN love someone else for who and what they are. They won't take the place of that "lost" love, but they can be loved just as much. She is there with you, why not love her for being her?

Reply to gem

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