Posted by: vanessa | 2009/02/12

what am I doing wrong?

Here' s the scenario. I' m 30, petite, curvy and fairly attractive. I am very sensuous, and graceful (I' m a dancer). My problem is my man... I try and try to initiate lovemaking, and he' s just not interested! He' ll get an erection, then he' ll brush me off... I' m worried that he' s just not into me anymore. I don' t just show him how I love him when I want to make love, I touch, hug, kiss and caress him often, and flirt and flatter, and am generally very affectionate. He just doesn' t seem interested. He doesn' t show much affection, except when I' m leaving to go to my house and he' s trying to get me to stay, or if I' m upset with him. When he wants to make love (he doesn' t call it love, he just calls it sex), it' s usually when he comes to bed (he comes to bed late, as he' s unemployed and stays up late watching tv) and I' m asleep, then I get groped (boobs and bum grabbed) and I' ll usually tell him no, I' m sleeping (maybe this is wrong of me? but I have to get up early for work and don' t sleep well). He never tries to initiate sex at any other time, and isn' t interested when I do... I can' t even remember the last time we made love. On the rare occassion we do, it' s clothes off, on top, bang bang bang, as though he doesn' t know I have a body apart from a fanny, and as though he wants it over with as soon as possible. Is it possible he' s not interested in me? Maybe he' s looking for someone else? He accusses me of hiding things, lying about seeing other men, but I' m faithful to him and wouldn' t dream of it. He gets upset when I sms my mom or girlfriends, saying I' m chatting guys up, when I stay at my place, he never wants to visit, and says he doesn' t trust me when I say I' m home alone.
What am I doing wrong? I love him so much, but I have sexual needs too.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

difficult to work out what is going on in his head. It is clear that there is a breakdown in the relationship on multiple levels. He is unemployed - is this recent? is there depression and loss of confidence from his side? Is alcohol involved? - I surmise depression - as unemployment can seriously reduce one's self esteem - and depression can severely affect both desire and performance. The fact that he gets an erection is no indication of his desire - it just a reflex - especially in younger men. His desire might come when it is not convenient for you. Additionally under these circumstances I presume he wants to be the one to initiate - if you initiate he could see it as undue pressure. If alcohol is involved of course everything gets considerably worse. A classical symptom of alcohol abuse is suspicion and constant blaming

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Our users say:
Posted by: korii | 2009/02/12

I' m a man and I' m in total agreement with my two fellows above. An unemployed man is an insecure man. Deep inside he feels so onsecure that your reassurance of commitment and love to him makes him think you are taking him for a fool. It' s difficult, but try this trick it might work. Take him out to your usual social places. Dress him up for the occassions. Let there be friends of yours, male nad female. Let him handle the cash (give it to him). Take a back seat, hug and kuddle etc. and let him do the talkings with your friend. You just loin in laughter and listen attentitively. Let him be in total control. That evening he might want to take control of you in bed.. Try, try , try . It might not work the first time or the first few times, bu I' m certain one day you will thank Korii for the advice and maybe , maybe invite me for dinner to thank me..... just kidding. Good luck!

Reply to korii
Posted by: TJ | 2009/02/12

have to agree there bill job means no self pride no self pride means no interest in everything ..sorry vanessa but he has to get a job to earn money to get his self respct back that way you have a small chance of getting him back to the man u knew..good luck

Reply to TJ
Posted by: Bill | 2009/02/12

Hi Vanessa

Maybe his unemployed status has something to do with it? From a mans point of view I would say that he is feeling insecure because he is not the ' breadwinner'  in the house. The only control he has is when to have sex or '  make love' . Make him feel like the man of the house and see what happens, although I have no idea how you are going to do that! If that doesn' t work go for therapy or counselling together, He must get a job as well, if he is unable to co-operate then I am sorry to say that you should rather move on. Good luck(I also saw your previous similar post)

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