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Question
Posted by: stella | 2005/01/13

what advice should i give her?

hi there doc
hope you all had a good new year?
i have a bit of a problem, my older sister has a dilemma.
Now the problem is ever since i have known her hubby ive thought of him as weird, but the day he called my parents f-ups i actually started disliking him and obviously didnt listen to his dumb conversations.He is not your normal kind of guy that you will meet and say gee what a great personality he actually doesnt have one, his looks will be the only thing that will attract you to him,thats if he is your type. anyway to get to the point my sister has been a depressed person since she got married the first psychologist she went to told her it was her hubby and that she should leave him, she didnt like what the lady told her so she never went back to her for more therapy. Then she did different things to try and sort herself out, that was two years ago.In the meantime her hubby has not tried to help, he and his family thinks that she is trying to emotionally blackmail him with all this...biggest s..t i have ever heard. so now she gone to another psycologist who works scientifically and mtaphysically and she says that my sister is in no position to decide wether or not she wants to be with her hubby.Now her hubby is blaming my whole family cos the psycologist told her that she is too attached to us and that she needs to break off a little, so her hubby has tken it to the extreme and said to my sis that once or twice a week she can see her parents, now they selling their home and hubby told her that they going to look somewhere far from her parents and close to his..is that normal? on top of that he told the psycologist that he didnt realise my sister had such a big problem...what rubbish his mother suffers from depression!
he tells my sister he wants to have family time together and then he goes and sits on his computers playing games all day.
ever since my sister gave birth to their beautiful little girl he has gone so much weirder, he hates my parents cos they tell him what they think and he doesnt like it, my parents go to hold the baby and his face turns to the floor.now my sister wants to seperate cos she has realised that he is the cause of her sadness, he doesnt compromise he doesnt even take her alone to coffee or movies, he wants her to stay at home all day and look after the baby.
now that she wants to leave him he is telling her that its my family that has brought her to this decision and that if she goes he wants nothing to do with the baby and only when the baby is older will he come back into her life and tell her that it was her moms family that kept him away from her.
this guy is seriously not well, i dont like him at all.
but what advice can i give my sister for all this thats happening.
i mean she keeps on tlling me why cant he be like our brother or like my husband who actually socialises with people and is caring, and i dont know what to tell her anymore.This guy sits and visits his mother everyday and then he stops my sister from going to her parents, is that ok?
he doesnt even have a proper job so after his so called meetings he sits at his moms house and does whatever while my sister sits at home with the baby all by herself.she has to provide for herself unless he gives her like R200 to buy groceries.Is it my family or is it him becoming all weird. alot of our family friends also dislike him so who is wrong here.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry to hear that she rejected what sounds like very reasonable advice from the first psychologist, and that the second shrink seems to have given such misinformed and unhelpful advice. WOuld he consider joining her in marriage counselling, jointly, even if he had to see it as simply needed in order to deal with her problems ? The trouble is that SHE is the only one who can decide what she wants and what she will do about it.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: STELLA | 2005/01/13

THANKS LIZA I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER OF WHAT TO ADVICE HER ON.

Reply to STELLA
Posted by: Liza | 2005/01/13

Aaah Mommy's boy tied to her apron strings... Plus he's a jerk to boot. Mommy wants her little boy to be spoiled - have his cake and eat it. No-one can be happy in an environment like that. What should your sister do? Either leave him - and turn to her own family for support (which it sounds like she'll get). Or turn his life into a living hell. Not make food - eat at your house, visit you and your parents anytime you like - while he thinks she is at home. Then arrive late back (if she hasn't got a car, I hope that you and your parents will be prepared to help) Perhaps even take on a part-time job at a local creche - perhaps not working for money, but at least for food for herself and her daughter.

Then when he decides to leave (or makes his true bullying nature known) she can get an interdict against him - that he isn't allowed near her or their daughter. This interdict could be forever - which means that even if he does want to try and manipulate his daughter, he won't be allowed to. Then when she is older, take her to see a psychologist. Just to evaluate about what she thinks is the father figure in her life.

Your sister can even tell her the truth - that her daddy hurt her mommy so badly and that is why he is not allowed to see her.

Sheesh. I hate jerks like this.

Reply to Liza

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