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Question
Posted by: weak | 2004/11/01

Weakness and anxiety

I was so strong when I was going to leave him. I asked my husband to move out, I;'ve had enough, he wants to drink and party his life away and we have a son to look afte. He insists on being surrounded by so many other poeple all the time to avoid me.
Then why is he still with me? He wants me for a trophy wife - but I am no trophy. I have personality, intelligence, good moods and bad, and now because I don't fit the trophy wife profile he is trying to make me into one. He's sending me to a psychologist to fix my self esteem, when he moved out I had self-esteem, I was alone, but I had my son, I have my hobbies, I have my life - I am ok. I do like myself. But when I look at him all I see is disappointment because I do not fit his idea of a trophy, obedient, always pruned wife. Geez, I am not going to be good-looking my whole life, I;ve already got some wrinkles forming and some grey hairs - but that's real life - it happens. And I refuse to go for surgery on my boobs. I hate the way they're not firm anymore (Ive had a child for goodness sakes, but I never noticed how they 'dropped' until he asked me to get a boob job). So what. Wrinkles are laugh lines, grey hair is wisdom and boobs... well, ok, so lucky I;'m not Kerry Mcgregor and my income is not determined by the size, shape, firmness of my breasts. he makes me feel like dirt. I asked him to leave, he came back with all sorts of threats and he will only divorced after I;'ve seen the psychologist and first tried to sort myself out. Doesn;t he know that the ONLY reason I feel bad, is because he treats me like that. I am fine, a normal human being, and 30 is not 20. And no surgery will change that! The more I refuse to confirm, the less time he spends with us, he knows that hurts me the most - rejection hurts me so much.
Why is he doing this, and then he says he does want me and no-one else. He wants to turn me into someone else...
I'm hurting so much... I could die. Could I please end this and die - everything will stop : the confusion the rejection the insults. But my baby, I love him more than anything on this planet...?!? Can a weak mother take care of him, is it fair?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Weak, see a psychologist by all means, and discuss self-esteem by all means, but for YOURSELF< not for your husband, and make it very clear to the psychologist that even if your husband pays her/his bills, the shrink is working for you and reporting to you, and nobody else. See a lawyer of your own, to best protect your own interests. And maybe tell your husband that he's hardly the trophy husband you might choose, and his boobs aren't much to write home about, either. Don't let rejection by someone unworthy, indeed someone who himself deserves rejection, distress you. You're strong, and essential to the happiness and health of your child, so don;t even imagine dying to make things convenient for your unpleasant husband. Maybe buy one of those blow-up plastic sex dolls from a sex-shop for him, and seek out and leave lying round some urologist's pamphlets about erectile dysfunction and penis enhancement surgery.
I agree with Shaun's diagnosis here !

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Our users say:
Posted by: D@mn | 2004/11/01

Its time for you to get angry.... furious..... and strong.... HOW BLOODY DARE HE... is he 20 himself? How would he like it if you told him to go for a penis enlargement operation. Tell him, this is me, if you don't like it, get lost. Go find yourself a 20 year old barbie doll, take your dissaproval and negativity, and leave me in peace to find my true, happy, healthy, gorgeous self. If he really truly loved YOU he would love you exactly as you are. Its not that you're not good enough for him, its that he is not nearly good enough for you! You deserve someone who will worship and adore you as you are. We all do.

Reply to D@mn
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/01

Hi W,

I agree with TW above, & quite well said too.

Know what? I'm gonna suggest that you take him up on his deal that you see a shrink, if you want, tell him it'll be a shrink of your choice, or if you already know the shrink & trust him/her then see the same one. You have aired your concerns here well, so keep this in mind when you see the shrink. Won't be long & hopefully you guys will be in a combined session. If he doesn't agree then you know have the best contacts to go ahead with what you want to do coz your shrink will advise you on the most appropriate steps that you may need to consider.

Don't let his threats get to you. Use this opportunity to get all the help you so obviously already see that you need.

Sheesh, sorry, but I feel this husband of yours is quite the ass-hole!!! Sorry CS...

Take care,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: TW | 2004/11/01

U r just going through a tough patch in your life, dont even talk about ending life ect ...You need to feel better about yourself, you are a beautiful creation, God never makes a mistake.

Your husband needs to grow up, of course young 20 yrs olds who are models that have had lots surgery and all will look stunning, but you have brought a new life into this world and for that no-one not even your husband has a right to tell you to get surgery. Yes you can look after yourself be fit and healthy but he must accept you whatever the case...

Sounds like he needs to make a decision, to be a father and husband or to leave you and become someone who searches for quick happiness in life which will eventually lead him no where.

You need to be more positive about yourself there are lots of moms out there that are even raising there kids on there own and are happy and making it. Its a choice and also take time...
Im not one for divorce at all but you need to talk to him and see what he wants in life: a wife and family or to be a single guy that parties every night. At the end of the day why should you keep on suffering while he is out there being a fool and you at home unhappy.

Whatever the outcome you will be fine and remember you are a precious person dont let him make you feel you arent good or pretty enough...

Reply to TW

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