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Question
Posted by: Sorry Suzie | 2006/04/05

We need therapy

I need sound advice please. My bf & I’ve been together now for 2 years. He wants to get married but there are issues that we need to sort out before then. He believes in: “marry now and sort out issues later”!!! I suggested we see a therapist together before we get married. He refused as he seems to think that therapy is bull and he does not need it. I suggested that when ever he’s ready he can find a therapist of his choice and with whom he will feel “comfortable” with. He was happy with this arrangement but still talks about getting married all the time. He knows the condition – first therapy, then marriage. Now I’m told by my confidant that I’m the one that feels we need therapy and because he does not have a “need” for it, I should make the appointment and take him with. I’m saying that he should make the appointment whenever he feels he’s ready for it. It’s the same as the alco that has to realize that he needs therapy before therapy will actually work. So if he feels committed to this relationship, really loves me as he says he does, and wants to marry me tomorrow, why not make the appointment? What has he got to loose? He once said that he's scared that he will get so angry that he will get up and walk out. In that case I suggested that he keeps on walking not to ever return. Therapy is not going to help if I’m the only one who believes we need it. Am I wrong by reasoning this way?

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Our expert says:
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If there are real issues, and he is foolish enough to refuse relationship counselling to sort them out, and insists on the ridiculous suggestion "marry first, sort it out later", then he's an idiot and you should very seriously reconsider marrying someone who is busy proving himself to be so unable to deal with significant problems. Make it totally clear to him ---no therapy ( and with his sincerely and active participation ) --- no marriage. Don't leave it to him to arrange this --- make the appointment and take him along. Get it started. Don't make the crisis over whether or not he makes an appointment, but over whether or not he joins in therapy and works properly on it.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lady man | 2006/04/05

You are right. You have to think about yourself and the way forward. Thirst sort things out before. He is being selfish and think only about himself. A small problem now, but after marraige the same problem can be the biggest factor to make a marraige fail. Maybe there is bigger problems that you do not know about now. Ask him if there is something that he is keeping from you.
You must think about yourself.

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