Posted by: Anon | 2010/07/02

Was it my fault???

When I was 14 on the 1st January 2005 my dad beat me for just visiting my brother''s girlfriend. Apparently when I was out one of the boys who were proposing me that time came around my house looking for me and my dad thought I have started dating the guy. Sadly because of that I decided if then dad can beat me that much, thinking that I had a boyfriend at that age then it means I''m ready to have a boyfriend. I then dated a guy who was 4yrs older than me. It was same yr January and that same day my mother was not at home and my dad was working and staying away from home. So that time I was the older one amongst my siblings. The guy sent his cousins to call me and it was at night. I went out and he dragged me to his house and I really didn''t want to go there. I went there forcefully so and we didn''t even talk he just pulled my panties and did his thing without any romance and I was bleeding so bad afterwards. I thought maybe that was the way of doing things if you love each other. Soon after that I was sick and I realised later that it was an STI but my mother thought it was piles maybe. She then gave me money to go to hospital and I went there on a sunday and they said I should come back the following day. I then went back the following day. I took a taxi and weird enough the taxi driver knew my name and my surname and he just called me to sit at front sit. When I came back I got the same taxi at the rank and the driver said I shud get in they will drop me at home but it was no longer going back to my village. I heard people saying that it was going to Jozi but since the driver knew where I was going I thought he would just drop me there and then go to Jozi as it was on his way anyway.

Well I sat there in a taxi at the back sit for hours and ended up sleeping because of medication. Well when the taxi was about to be full the driver called me to sit at the front sit and I just did that. Well we then left that town and when it was time for me to get off he just said " you are not going anywhere uhamba nami" . I didn''t or couldn''t say anything just kept quiet. He was with his friend and when we got to one of the towns to fill up the petrol he showed me a very big and sharp knife. He then pretended as if we were lovers! fastforward...we came back the very same night with his friend and other people in the car who were going home. By then I had hope that we will get to KZN in the morning and they will obviously drop me at home. They dilivered everyone to their home until they got tired and there was only one old guy who was left and they said they will then take him home in the morning. We went to the driver''s home and I& the old man were left in the car. They came back and called me to come in and I refused. They dragged me in front of the old man to the house. When we got there he undressed me forcefully so and had sex more than two times and it was without an condom. in the morning he dropped me in town again and had to take another taxi home. I didn''t tell anyone about it I just said I was admitted in hospital for a night.

I dumped my ''boyfriend who took my viginity and later got another one at school because the first one was staying in Pretoria. I got involved with that one because his girlfriend beat me so it was just for the sake of revenge. Well he did the same thing, he called me and slept with me without any agreement and by then I was so sure that thats the way things are done in the world of adults. He told me before he even took his penis out that I am preggies and I mustn''t follow him because its not his child.
A month after that I for sure didn''t get my periods and I kept quiet again until I was seven months and that time I was 15. He refused the partenity of the child until the child was born. He never took any responsibility up until today and that 14 yrs later.

now 14yrs later I am struggling in life I can''t have sex with my husband. I can''t even kiss him anymore after the incident that happened again last yr where we were robbed in our house at gun point. The guys used their guns to penetrate me and since then I just lost interest in sex with him.

Now I don''t really know whether to say I was raped or it was all my fault on all these incidents. My relationship with my husband since then has gone from bad to worst. We fight almost everyday and the fact that I can''t even allow him to touch me makes things worst. I even tried to kill myself because I couldn''t see the reason to live and have this pain everyday. I ended up starting to have a boyfreind outside and everything was fine with him as I cud do anything with him. Then after I''ve realised that I can have sex outside, it became a habit of sleeping with whoever I want to but with protection. It went on and on doing those one night stands when am out up until I even got to a point of saying whats the use of protecting myself because I want to die anyway. I then started to just sleep without a condom which I''m not proud of and feel guilty all the time about it but I want to die so bad.
I am now the enemy of myself as I''m writing this and it pains me to see the way I have changed. I still can''t allow my hubby to touch me and if he finally get to have sex with me its with protection and I don''t feel anything except for pains. I feel sorry for him but at the same time I hate myself for doing this but I jsut can''t stop. I know you can say I''m a bad person but deep down my heart I want to be normal and forget about my past. Because of all these memories that are in my head every minute of the day, I decided to start smoking dagga just to forget a bit about my problems. Its not helping though because I still feel the pain everyday.
Is this all my fault? I was told that a person who was raped never wants sex in her life ever again, then does that mean whatever happened to me was not rape? If not what do you call it (those incidents mentioned earlier?

Thanks for reading this long post and thank you in advanced for your response

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOu have been abused and raped repeatedly. And though for some people such experiences lead them to lose interest in having sex, for others it leads, as you describe, to an increased promiscuity and having sex carelessly and dangerously. DO please see a proper counsellor at a rape treatment centre and through POWA, to work on freeing yourself from this, and resume condom use immediately.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/03

YOu have been abused and raped repeatedly. And though for some people such experiences lead them to lose interest in having sex, for others it leads, as you describe, to an increased promiscuity and having sex carelessly and dangerously. DO please see a proper counsellor at a rape treatment centre and through POWA, to work on freeing yourself from this, and resume condom use immediately.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: lolla | 2010/07/02

the minute you take a step to the right direction - the devil will invite more demons!!! Read a book by Joyce Meyer: Beauty for Ashes and also be patient with yourself don''t be too harsh please! Xolani is right, we all have baggage and we can only try to help ourselves

Reply to lolla
Posted by: Anon | 2010/07/02

Thanks ladies. Xolani I have tried Him (Jesus) but my life became worst than before. I called abazalwane to pray for me and to p[ray with me but at the end nothing changed instead it was like we pouring petrol on fire. I tried everything in life but nothing seems to work. I stopped going to church even though I haven''t stopped believing in God. Evrytime I go there I come back as mad as hell and we will fight like never before and even try to kill myself. I guess there is something crying inside me. I tried counselling but I guess I didn''t try harder. I felt as if no one is believing what I''m saying. My husband bames me for some of the things and he will say I''m lying most of the times.
I''m glad I was able to tell the whole story today because its been so hard to tell anyone about it.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Xolani | 2010/07/02

wow babes, you haven''t had it easy. My first basically raped me because i was drunk (passed out), my second was married and didn''t bother telling me, i was 15 and he was 31, went out with a 3rd guy hoping to rub off all of that - he forced me to have sex with him and laid me off easily (basically dumping me without saying so)! Some of us have had it rough, BUT you do not need to lead such a destructive life, do seek councilling PLEASE! Buy Helen Bailey''s cd titled Helen Bailey''s testimony - you will realise that you are NOT the only woman who''s had bad luck or rather being used by the devil!!!

You need JESUS in your life - He can heal all your emotional scars!!! you wont regret it my sister - i promise you!!! Please just Give God a chance to be the Lord of your Life, you will see!

Reply to Xolani
Posted by: Dudu | 2010/07/02

No its was not your fault, you need help, it is never your fault when you get raped or when a man beats you. You need to heal from the hurt you felt when you where raped, you need feel worthwhile and special. Sometimes a person feels like they are the ones who are wrong when bad things happen to them repeatedly and mostly it is not their faults.

Good luck

Reply to Dudu
Posted by: Woman | 2010/07/02

Sweetie, you were raped. More than once. I am so sorry that you had to live through all this. If you say no, and he carries on, it is rape! If you want to take back your life from your past, you need to get help now, today. Call POWA, let them help you get out the house. And then you will need trauma counselling.

What happened is past, and today is the start of the future. Hold on to hope, be strong enough to do what is best for YOU and you will be a hero.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Anon | 2010/07/02

I forgot to mention that in our fights with my husband it gets physical most of the times and he beats me until I''m really hurt. I was hurt on my head so bad and even now I''m not sure if its working properly. I still have to check it because I now forget easily unlike before. I did go counselling and I was even given medication for dipression which I stoped taking it because I just became numb and lost all the feelings for anything and ended up not wanting to come to work. Right now I see myself as an insane person who is trying to be normal but failing. As I''m writing this I have bruises in my body and pains because of the beatings and I even forget about reoprting his to police or POWA

Reply to Anon

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