Posted by: Mimi | 2008/10/16

Was I wrong

I have been married for 3years.But we have been together for 10 years now. Nothing has changed. I married him knowing exactly what kind of man he is but I hoped he will mature and at least change.10 years down the line,nothing has changed.I feel sad all the time,my therapist thinks Im depressed and only recommended over the counter medication,just to monitor.I dont know what to do.All that I know is that Ive once loved this man.He screams and shouts and then blames it all on me.Says Ive killed his spirit.Because I would rather go and be with my granny, who lives alone,instead of being with him - was I wrong?When Im home, we dont talk,he screams and shouts at me.Sometimes take it out on our 3year old daughter.Im worried.Some of my friends say I must move on because he has been like this and doesnt show that he will be any better. Some say I must stick with him because he is the father of my child.That he is " suppose to be my 80%" . if I leave him I will only get 20%.My daughter loves him obviously, sometimes I see her looking at him and asking me to be quiet and not answer her dad. A month ago I asked for a separation and last night he went to sleep in the other room.My daughter, who is maturing fast and is worrying me, only looked at her dad and asked nothing.Now after watching Oprah yesterday I hear we need to know how to speak to our kids and at least let them know of what is happenning. I only asked for a separation so that he can stop harrassing me and for him to think it over if he really needs me or just using me (I take care of him and his two kids, not living with us). He gets paid and only pays the bond and childs fees and that will be it.He doesnt earn much so I never complain.But now I feel he is just using me.Never had a problem...I mean 10 years!So this morning I called him and asked if we can at least explain to the child whats going on " like maybe mommy &  daddy are sorting things out hence daddy is sleeping in the next room" . As always he started attacking me and told me Im being my unreasonable self again, that I want him to apologies again, blah bhla blah... I dont know what he is talking about... Was I wrong??? I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and blaming myself... I know I bring things up because I worry about the interests of the family and I want us to discuss them... but he just wants to scream and shout and and and ... Am I the one to blame???

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Our expert says:
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One should never enter on a long-term relationship assuming that the other person will ever change for the better. Rarely it may happen, but consider that a bonus ; don't rely on it or anticipate it.
Anyhow, you're not to blame for him behaving selfishly and childishly. Marriahe counselling could probably help, but I guess he would refuse to take part, as he seems unduly sensitive to the idea of ever being thought to be in the wrong at all. That's not what mariage counselling is about, but its probably how he would see it.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Mimi | 2008/10/17

Thanks guys.... I will do whats best for me and my child.

Thanks a mil

Reply to Mimi
Posted by: v | 2008/10/16

u must do what is best for your child....

Reply to v
Posted by: No | 2008/10/16

Of course ur not the one to blame.Im just afraid ur putting ur child all through that and its not good at all.

He seems like a stressed/stubborn chap.If I were u,I would leave him.I would not ask him for a separation,I would just pack and go with my child.Imagine what all this is doing in that little mind of hers.

And one last thing,ur not getting 80% in ur relationship anyway.U have the 10%,u need to at least get the remaining 90% in order to be happy.Good luck.Whatever u do,put ur little girl' s happiness first.

Reply to No

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