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Question
Posted by: Miserable | 2004/11/08

Wanting Love & Attention

My husband works shifts,normally 2 weeks day 2 weeks night. For the past couple of months he has willingly agreed to 6 weeks night 1 week day.Its driving me insane,we continually fight and all I want is some TLC and instead end up fighting with him and guess driving him more away from me. What can I do? Its feels that he does not need to see me and the children and can happily live without us. I'm at the end of my tether and taking my lonliness out on our poor children. Please help me.

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Our expert says:
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Dear M,
Is he getting paid generously for all this extra night shift work ? OR how else does he find this rewarding ? Is he trying to get away from nagging at home, for instance ? If the choice of times is up to him, then he is being inconsiderate of you and the kids. Whatitsworth is right, you need to sit and talk this through with him, calmly explaining your point of view. And Chelle's right too --- recognize and applaud his "provider" emphasis, but make it clear that you'd rather have a little less money and a lot more dad and husband around. Would he consider some sessions of marriage counselling ? ( if you could find a time when he, you and the counsellor are awake at the same time !)

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Our users say:
Posted by: WhatItsWorth | 2004/11/09

Sorry to say this, but it sounds like a 'Cheaters' show. Maybe I'm totally wrong, but it looks like he is hiding something. The truth must come out. As I said earlier, money can cause lots of agruments, but he might also use this as an excuse. I don't want to be the negative one, but somethings fishy. Or maybe you need to show him what you are made off and if you do want to save your marriage, try and get him to go out one evening and spoil him. Get someone else to look after the kids for the whole evening, till the next day. You don't have to spend any money, if you get my drift. He needs to know you are still in charge.

If this is not an alternative, then counselling is the only way to resolve this. And if he really does not want to go, then show him you are not scared. If you do not have a job, get a job and become independant. If you do have one, try hard for a promotion. This might help with the finances.

Hope one of us is able to point you in a direction.

Reply to WhatItsWorth
Posted by: Miserable | 2004/11/08

Tks all for yr replies,I'm going to go deep now,yes we are in a financial bungle at the moment,but all this working overtime is just the icing on the cake,take this w/end pass.He came home at 6:30pm (also we are not on speaking terms as had an argument about money on Friday)slept in our sons bed as I let both kids sleep with me on Friday nights, got up at 8:00am and just told me he wud b visiting his daughter from a previous relationship who he had not seen in a years time as he decided to jump into bed with mommy dearest while we were separated for 3 weeks. He told me he wud be home the afternoon and only came home at 12:00 the evening,blind drunk and i was driving my self crazy thinking all sorts of things to only find out the next day,yesterday that his daughter and her mom where not home and he spent the day with close friends of ours who told me. And this I feel is the real reason for my misery! What do I do?

Reply to Miserable
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/11/08

I think sometimes men get into "provider" mode, and make it their priortiy to make sure that the family has the material things they need. With the amount of work he is doing, he could be tired and miserable as well, and not in the mood to spend the little time he has with others.
Sounds like he is a hard worker, and perhaps if you let him understand that while you appreciate that he would work so hard, you'd prefer to spend more quality time together as a family.
Perhaps the thoughts of a promotion are motivating him to work more hours, but you do have to try and help him understand how you feel, and that you miss spending time with him.
Nagging about the situation is going to want to make him spend even more time away.
Try find solutions with him - try understand why he took the extra hours.
Counselling as a couple might be a good way to get to understand each others motivation.
I understand how difficult it must be with those working hours, but if he is committed to his family, and his marriage, I am sure that non finger pointing discussion will be very useful.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: WhatItsWorth | 2004/11/08

Children shouldn't get blame for problems with you and your husband, if there is any. Communication is always the best way to solve the problems. In a mature way. He needs to understand that you have needs and what it is and what you want from him. Don't get me wrong, work is also important. If theres no money, then there is no food. Most divorces these days is a indirect result of fights about money issues. If he can choose his times, he should be more considered of your feelings. If his family is more important than his work. As a man, you should have priorities. To me, family is first, then work, then the rest. You have to balance it out. I can easily work 12 hours a day, but I choose not to. It's all about priorities. You also need to understand that he might be under pressure at work to be there at certain times. If not, he should start consider you guys.

You have to sit him down, talk to him calmly about your feelings and if you guys cannot come to a compromise. If this doesn't want to work, try and go to a marraige counselor.

Thats my 2 cents worth. Hope it helps a little bit.

Reply to WhatItsWorth

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