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Question
Posted by: Unsure | 2004/03/12

Want to believe him

I don't know what to do. I have told myself that I believe my husband when he says nothing happened between him and that other woman. But sometimes I feel like I just can't trust him and I feel so insecure and unsure what I believe. The fact that he does not want to confront her with me makes me suspicion and I wander if he is telling the truth, then again, he is always with me and never goes out without me. He is the most loving supportive husband any woman would want, he always helps me with the kids and never complains. I just wish I could get closure and find out what really happened between the two. I love him and I don't want to push him away, but I feel that his is hiding something from me even though he denies it. I know he loves me and would never want to hurt me intentionally, I just wish he would be honest then we can get on with our lives.

What should I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Unsure,
As usual, Juzlisen makes several important points.
One has to wonder about who would have bothered to anonymously send you that email ( so easily faked ) and make those anonymous phone calls. Maybe the woman herself, furious because he did NOT accept her advances ? How would anyone else get a copy of an email she sent out ? What benefit would it be to anyone else to create this tension between him and you ?
I don't find it puzzling or suspicious that he doesn't want to create a confrontation between the two of you, as this would be likely to cause pain and embarrassment all round, and not really to shed any light on the issues that bother you.
If, as seems likely, the guilty person is the other woman, the more you create tension and problems between yourself and your husband, the more you will be satisfying her, and playing into her hands. And hernel is right, Ultimatums too often backfire in this sort of situation. Don't break up your happy marriage, damaging the two of you, because of the unsubstantiated words of someone else with highly dubious motives. If you ignore her, she may get bolder and provoke her own conrontation, in which case you can deal with that.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/03/12

Hey there
After reading the responses again I have to agree that Kernel is absalutely right - your husbands word should be good enough you could end up destroying your marriage - think about what it took to get to where the two of you are - is it worth it throwing all that away? I think that Kernels perspective is most correct.
Deal with your issues however insignicifant they may seem at the moment.
Good Luck

Reply to Juzlisen
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/03/12

Let me tell you something. There is one thing that a man hates and that is being given an ultimatum for something he is not guilty of. Make sure of your facts before you even try to give him an ultimatum.

And why should he confront another woman just because his wiwife is insecure and does not trust him? Rather work on your own insecurity and mistrust than accusing him of things that he probably are not guilty of. If he is guilty, then get some evidence and confront him with it, but don't put ultimatums to him based on your insecurities.

Good luck.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/03/12

If someone is trying to stir up trouble let them be - they will get caught out......... time reveals all.
Let it go for a while but if it keeps coming back you will have to find out the truth.
I understand your suspicion where it concerns your husband not wanting to be present - if he does not want to lose you what the hell does he have to hide?
She could be a disgruntled woman who came onto him and he hurt her by rejecting her and some people cannot hanlde rejection so they try to hurt that person. But still why does he not want to clear his name or the suspicion in your mind.
Give him an ultimatum just to see how he reacts - or you could "arrange" that this woman be present when you confront him, hide her behind a door or something you will know soon enough who is telling you a lie.

Reply to Juzlisen
Posted by: Unsure | 2004/03/12

The problem is I received anonymous calls saying is his unfaithful (that is what made me suspicions in the first place and the cause of me mistrusting him) and I was sent a fax of a e-mail that was supposed to have been sent from her to him. I asked him about it and he said that he never received any e-mail. He says that he would never do anything to jeopardise our marriage and that he loves me. So tell me what would you do in this situation? I do believe he never slept with her, I just want to find out why is this person trying to break up my marriage and why he won’t confront her with me.

Reply to Unsure
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/03/12

Sometimes not knowing hurts more than knowing the truth becuase in the back of your mind you will always be wondering and there will always be questions that are left unanswered and since you seem to be the type who is not happy not knowing I suggest you ask your husband to be present when you confront the both of them, look them both in the eyes and ask them, the eyes do not lie, BUT be wary ask yourself this before you do.
Am I prepared to live with it if it is the truth?
What am I going to do about it - what is your next step?
What good would it do knowing the truth and If I love my husband so much why is his word not good enough?
Sweety please re-evaluate the situation and the consequences thereof, what if you are wrong? You could accuse him not because of solid evidence but because of suspicion. It takes only suspicion and not evidence to destroy the TRUST that often takes years to build be careful, dont get me wrong I believe a woman should trust her gut instinct when it is screaming at you but is this really worth it?

Reply to Juzlisen

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