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Question
Posted by: Chimney Sweeper | 2004/01/19

VERY URGENT - Fiance smoking

Hi there

I really do hope somebody can help me with this. Me and my g/f now fiance have been together for almost four years now. She started smoking before I met her. In our first year I told her how I felt about it and she agreed that come our first anniversary she would stop smoking if I bought her a ring. I did just that. Three days before our anniversary she told me that she couldn't quit. I was devistated. Then after that there was another few times where the same promise was made and broken again. Then last year November she desided to start using Bio Bust. She also at the same time decided to quit smoking. She promised me that this time it will be for good. Two weeks ago I smelt smoke on her hands and asked her if she was smoking again to which she replied with a lot of anger that she wasn't. A few days later the truth came out. This time I was completely devistaded and was on the edge of suicide, due to the fact that I really gave everthing for her this time. The truth is I can't live with out her. I know, because I tried. What can I do? I have talked to her, explained how I felt even took my stuff and just left. Nothing seems to give her enough motivation to stop smoking. Now I wake up at night sweating and struggling to sleep due to the fact that I am constantly struggling with this. I feel betrayed and cheated on.
I have nobody else to turn to. She means the world to me. Please I need urgent help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Sweep,
Firstly, this is extremely annoying for you, but don't even remotely think of suicide because someone else is smoking. I know smoking is bad for one's health, and second-hand smoking is bad for the companions of a smoker --- but suicide as an effect of second-hand smoke, is not a risk generally reported. Maybe if you'd lighten up just a bit, and be lessg rim, she might not light up so often.
Your story perhaps demonstrats the extent to which smoking really is addictive, and the extent to which someone will make it more important in their life than even a loving relatonship, and be prepared to lie and cheat in order to maintain their relationship with the cigarette.
It IS possible for anyone to stop smoking, witn the proper motivation and advice and assistance. She should not rely on quacky remedies sold over-the-counter, as none are effective and all are exploitatively expensive. She should see a shrink for a proper asessment of her vulnerabilities and strengths, and to plan a rational plan to stop smoking, probably using an aid like the nicotine patches, to help her withdraw from the addictive nicotine component more readily. But that is only if she wants to stop for her own bnefit and her own reasons, otherwise nothing woks. And if she really doesn't want to, then be prepared to break up with her, and wait to find a similarly nice woman who is a devoted non-smoker, rather than continue struggling to coerce this lady to give it up.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Paul | 2004/01/20

Um, that pill there will be called Zi-Plan.

Reply to Paul
Posted by: flower | 2004/01/19

well here is my response ...... if she would like to stop but can't because it is not easy, why don't you get her Zyban - its a prescription pill that REALLY does help you to quit smoking.

If she doesn't want to stop - well then you two have a decision to make, can you love her for who she is, including the smoking and maybe you can come to some sort of agreement that she doesn't smoke in the house or in the car, and should she smoke she must clean the astrays and try to take a breath mint afterwards.

goood luck

Reply to flower
Posted by: qwertyui | 2004/01/19

just accept it and be greatfull it's only smoking you don't want her to leave you over this

Reply to qwertyui
Posted by: volcano | 2004/01/19

Listen boet, what you should do is grow up! Either you are going to have a g/f that smokes or you will have to find another girl that does not. Trying to impose your will and crying about not getting what you want is childish.

Reply to volcano
Posted by: Paul | 2004/01/19

Um dude, If you were at the point of suicide because your Fiance smokes, you need to grow up before you think of commitment. Secondly, you met her when she was smoking and wanted her to quit, you CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE do things if they don't want to. you have 2 choices.

1) Grow up, accept her and the smoking (will go miles in showing your level of accepting her "as is"). Live happily.

2) Grow up and leave an otherwise brillaint woman because she smokes and maybe miss out on a good life.

Good luck.

Reply to Paul

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